Can violent autistic children grow into non violent adults?

[teatimedreamer]

Ds is 9. He's autistic; highly verbal; highly social; extremely high IQ and no learning needs. His social and emotional development is poor. He's highly anxious too but it manifests as violence,aggression and defiance.

He was excluded from mainstream school and now goes to an autism specialist school which is a wonderful place and they really understand him. But he punched 5 people today, one was straight in the face. All around being unable to cooperate, communicate and understand social issues. He feels shame and embarrassment acutely and violence is often a cover for that too. He's started school refusing as he's hating his own reactions to the other children.

I just watched a crime and punishment documentary and saw some adults who are a danger to society who are kept on open ended sentences and suddenly had a flash into the future that that could be ds. He can present very neurotypically (until he doesn't) and I can see him doing something, being arrested and never seeing him again. It breaks my heart

What does happen to these children when they become adults?

We watched tv crime shows, everything from Midsommer and Morse to more realistic fiction, and I used them to analyse behaviour, expressions and consequences with him. The fact that it was not real helped him dissect what was happening in a way he couldn’t do with real events that had an emotional context.
Identifying the specific trigger was the most useful step, then working on ways to deal with it non-violently. Because that’s what he’d do. Flatten his problems. Now he often laughs at things that would have sent him over the top.

Have a look into PBS as pp mentioned above. Understanding the function and finding a way to replace that behaviour with something else that meets the need, this can be through changes to the environment or strategies to manage anxiety.

@wejammin ds was a dream toddler too, and pre schooler. No hint of the autism and all the adults and children adored him. I long for those days. It was turning 6/7 that everything changed.

Yes, us too.

@myidentitymycrisis it's tricky for us because he's very very rarely violent at home. It's always been a school thing. He's 99% calm, settled and communicative at home an only a bit snappy/stroppy. But that's because home is calm, predictable and there are 2 adults who know exactly how to deal with him for a smooth running of things.

School is more unpredictable I guess, as are peers. I'm assuming school are using the approaches you suggest. It certainly sounds like it but it's hard for us to do as we don't see it.

Never give up! My son was excluded from mainstream at 4 due to violence to staff, children and furniture. I seriously thought that if I didn’t do my upmost to help him control his violent behaviours he would murder someone ( that included me). He used to take his anger out on me and I had to restrain him at times. He is now 12 and is soooo much better. He is in a SN school and hasn’t been violent for years, he now uses his voice to express himself (sometimes abit too aggressively). We tried many strategies, the funniest was when we tried a stress ball - he threw it at me in temper, so that was a no no. But always have hope, expect a few setbacks, but keep going.

@Ilovellamas thank you. This thread has given me a bit of hope that as he gets older, thing might be easier.

Can you find out what the school are doing to help the behaviour? It’s great they really understand him and that you are confident in them

It’s sad that you say you don’t post on the SN boards because you don’t get a response, a decade or so ago when I used to, it was an absolute wonder. Combination of sanctuary, support and erudite library and advisors. Someone was always around when you needed someone to scream with.

@GrimalkinsCrone I know. It is a shame. There is a bit of action in there but it's very very quiet. Sometimes have to wait 24hrs before someone responds.

DS was similar to yours OP, he was excluded from mainstream school and then went to a residential special school for autism when he was 11. The change in his behaviour was immediate once he started at special school - he had very very few violent incidents there (after having very extreme incidents at mainstream). I would be a little concerned that the violence is still occurring even in a specialist setting. The school should be aware of his triggers and be working towards intervening before an incident occurs, and having strategies for him to use instead of resorting to those behaviours. Is he having input from SALT/OT/psychiatric staff there? It may be that the placement isn't right for him, even if the staff are understanding. Or if he has just started at the school, he may need more time to settle.

Anyway, DS is 20 now and hasn't exhibited any signs of violence in the past 9 years. He does get frustrated, and will sometimes lash out verbally, or withdraw from a situation, but he doesn't have meltdowns at all. There is a bit of a cost to that - he has never managed to fulfil his academic potential as he cannot cope with the stress of exams or other assessments (it would have led to meltdowns), and he lives a very solitary, withdrawn life now that he has left school. He has very few demands on him and that allows him to indulge in his special interests and avoid the stress of social interactions. But strangely he is the calmest and happiest he's ever been, as everything is on his terms now.

I wonder what happened. If people moved to other sites, or just gave up.

ds was a dream toddler too, and pre schooler. No hint of the autism and all the adults and children adored him. I long for those days. It was turning 6/7 that everything changed.

DS was the same, I had no idea he was autistic as a toddler, and he seemed so bright and full of potential. And yes, the turning point came around age 6.

It good to read of some positive outcomes - DS(10) has had three days of assaulting pupils and staff at his SEMH school. Anxiety/trauma driven, and school can't see the triggers ...
We are following the Ross Greene Explosive Child model, and hope to find a better setting for him.

@bullseyesweet sorry yes, I should have said that. He only started at this school this term after being out of education and only being with us for pretty much 2 years (there is no other placement so it's this or home indefinitely). It's amazing that he's even going every day. The violence isn't everyday though. There have been many good days but today was really bad and he's having a lot of problems with a few children which are at the root of it currently.

Thank you for starting the thread OP. I am reading with interest. My child is 6 but does remind me sometimes of a 4 year old then at other times, wise beyond his years.
When he went through a stage of hitting and biting me I had the same concerns as other posters. But he has been calmer of late and I am hoping he won't regress again. I have been better at identifying triggers and I have also been firmer in routines for him (I had thought he fit a PDA profile as routines were not working but now he is older they are appearing to have an effect once I explained why I wanted him to do such and such including proving it with google eg I googled tooth decay for him tonight to prove bacteria make acid if not brushed away.
I hope we all get there. XX

You can get replies in SN Chat.

But the key thing is: behaviour is communication. If a person can't speak to express their feelings etc. then it will come out in other ways. One of these is violence.

In my DD - asking her how she felt, was often met with a meltdown - as she had no idea how she felt. She had little idea about emotions but also had enormous emotions, and just couldn't communicate or even have an idea how to communicate - and she was otherwise highly articulate.
Now she is doing amazingly well, and we can joke about "edgy teenagers" and how she feels.

So there is hope. Actually being diagnosed helps a lot, as people have to acknowledge there is a problem. And yes in some ways people with ASD do seem to "develop" slower. And I know of some, who in some ways don't fully develop until into their 30s.

The key thing is to deal with the issues of today and not allow yourself to panic about the long term. (When my son was diagnosed with dyslexia the statistic that kept going through my mind was that 75% of the prison population are dyslexic.)

@teatimedreamer Ah, that makes sense. It will be a huge change returning to the routine of a school setting after being at home for two years. It's just important to keep monitoring the situation so that the triggers can be recognised and reduced. At DS's school, they would take particular care to monitor DS when he was around a certain other pupil, and often organised schedules so they wouldn't be together as neither of them could cope with the other.

I did, I was an angry and violent child. Despite being highly verbal I couldn't and still can't tell you what, why, when or how something is wrong or how to fix it. The words get stuck and sometimes tbh I just don't know. Behavior is communication and hes communicating that he's overwhelmed, scared and confused.

Now at 24 I don't get violent or physical but I do get upset and enraged I'm just better at waiting till I'm alone and safe to express it. It takes time and perseverance to learn to deal with it not punishment. We punish ourselves enough as it's proof we're wrong and broken awful freaks who can never be normal. My mum always told me it takes one punch to kill someone and let me express my frustration in other ways that she'd never have allowed if I was a NT child. She allowed me to scream and shout and throw myself or my things around as long as it was safe and with the understanding I didn't hurt anyone and if anything was broken I'd either need to fix it, earn a new one or go without.
I don't often do any of that now but I know how to express my emotions in a healthier manner and your son will as well. It'll just take time. I was 15/16 before the violent rages stopped. He's only 9 he has time.

My DD was only violent at school too. Because at home she was given other ways to handle the "frustration", in particular - getting away.

If your DS has only just returned to school, he may be reacting in a learned way to "school". He will also have heightened anxiety due to the unfamiliar environment and the extra "pressures" put on him.
By that I mean the pressures of: being surrounded by others, sensory pressures, extra demands, and the "rules" or perceived rules (he could still be struggling to obey rules which he was taught at his old school).

Thanks everyone for all the responses and stories. I feel a bit more positive in the light of day!