*Scream* why don’t they listen??

[ArizonaRobbins]

Two girls, 5 and 2.

They are good girls generally. But I’m absolutely sick to the back teeth of being completely ignored when I speak to them!!

Not so much the two year old. Obviously shes just doing her little toddler thing. But the five year old omg.

“What do you want for breakfast?” Ignored.

“Can you please pick those toys up?” Ignored.

It’s not her hearing btw. We had it checked. Also it’s completely selective. If I asked her “do you want a biscuit” she will hear that.

Driving. Me. Mental. She does nothing. I mean I’m not talking hard labour or even chores I just wanted her to put her game away when we’d finished playing it 😬😬

That sounds so frustrating!!

Have you tried saying her name and waiting before the question?
You: Julie?
Julie: Yes?
You: Do you want X or Y for breakfast?

Another thing you can do is limit the options so she only has to answer a word that you’ve already given her. Eg in that breakfast example she only has to say X or Y (please) rather than think of a response.

Also, try to reduce the questions you’re asking so it’s quite rare for you to actually ask.
Eg instead of ‘Can you pick those toys up?’ say ‘Pick those toys up now.’ (And obviously follow through with a consequence if she doesn’t.)

What are the consequences for not picking up toys? Honestly she just will not help with anything. Like I said I’m not looking for hard labour but I do think she’s of an age where she should be clearing up behind herself to an extent

Thank you LittleLongDog I’ll try that

What are the consequences for not picking up toys?
In my house the consequence is that mum picks them up and might not remember where she put them, or they might all go away in a box to be earned back one by one.

Oh yes. Same here.
So what works for us is stuff like...,”OH NO! Ds isn’t having breakfast this morning, I wonder what his teacher is going to say”

“Put your shoes on”... ignore
Muttering to myself “hmm, I’m the fastest in the whole street at getting my shoes on, I’ll have mine on before any one in this street, I’ll just go and find them.. the FASTEST..
I pretend to not see him leg it past me to get his shoes thane act completely shocked and flabbergasted when he stands there with shoes on in front of me, make it a big thing.

I make a massive game of it all, I’m a fabulous actress and pretty much have a scenario for everything.
Helps that mine is exceptionally competitive so will compete with me for everything.

Honestly, it works and takes the confrontation and anger out of everything.

There will be someone super sensible at parenting saying it’s not right, but it works for us.

What is she doing whilst ignoring you? Whatever that thing is remove it. If the kids are watching TV and ignoring me I turn it off. Then they listen.

Yeah I’ve tried things like making it into a game. She does not give a fuck.

When I think about it I think the issue is that she just does exactly what she pleases. That’s my fault

Breakfast was either yoghurt or toast so I put both put and say “ I hope no one eats my toast, I’m really looking forward to it, can’t wait, I do hope no one eats it while I do this job”
Turn away and guaranteed it’s gone amidst giggles in 10 seconds. Again, huge shock and surprise because there must be a mouse in this house eating my toast.. I’ll need to make more now.. sigh.

Doesn’t give a fuck is about right! Funny. Then I’ve nothing to offer. Except of course sympathy and

I think at 5 years old she's old enough to be punished for ignoring you.

I'd tell her I'm counting to 3 and if she doesn't answer by then, she'll get a punishment. Only you can decide on an appropriate punishment though.

If her hearing is selective she'll hear, "well if you don't start tidying it away by the time I've counted five, it'll go in the bin" then.

And follow through. (You can always sneak it out later and put it away for a month if it cost you a lot of money)

Definitely use "if I tidy your toys up, I'll tidy them into the bin" as mentioned a few times above. I only needed to follow through once and then after that the rustle of a black bin bag was enough to get them tidying

Sympathies, I have a 4 year old.

I do a lot of play acting and setting up challenges - who can get their coats on first, who has the sharpest eyes at finding x.

I also try to not ask open ended questions - breakfast would be 2 options, not what do you want (because the answer would be chocolate). Requests for tidying up etc are very specific and quite short. Eg please can you put all the Lego on the rug in the box.

Over egging the good stuff works too. They get ridiculous praise for getting themselves dressed etc. It makes them puff up with pride and encourages them to do more good stuff.

I’d say this happens 70/80 percent of the time in my house. The rest of the time is me bleating into the wind and banging my head on a brick wall

What are the consequences for not picking up toys?

Maybe changing your question will help. Someone else told me this, and it really did make a difference. 'Pick up toys' or other phrases, like 'tidy your room'. Are quite obvious for up, but abstract for younger children.

I would say 'put the toys in the box', or 'put the books on the bookshelf'.

Very specific instructions.

Instead of 'what do you want for breakfast', I’d say 'do you want toast or cereal' (or whatever the options are). Make it a very clear, concrete choice, not an abstract decision.

It definitely worked for me!

Obvious for us

'Do you want a biscuit' is a very concrete question. Not abstract.

I'd give her a taste of her own medicine and ignore her for a bit! What happens if you ignore her when she asks you a question?

Don't ask what she wants for breakfast or seek her approval. You can still be nice, eg. say 'Darling, your breakfast is ready, I've made you xx'. If she makes a fuss, give her what she wants instead but don't make it look too easy. The next day, ask what she'd like, and if she ignores you, give her what she had the day before. Then, if she makes a fuss, explain that you don't have time to make something else at the moment, and she should eat what she's been given. Don't let it escalate; distract her if she looks ready to argue.

Ditto with the toys: don't give her a chance to ignore you by asking her to tidy them up. Either do it yourself, or say 'I'm putting your toys in the garage because I don't have time to keep tidying them up when you've finished playing with them. If you can help me by putting them away when you've played with them, I'll get them back out.'

(I usually tidied up my DCs toys when they were 5 though, it just wasn't worth the aggro and I didn't mind).

You need to show her that you have other priorities besides catering to her every whim - she will learn to appreciate you being there for her and hopefully learn better manners.

Breakfast was either yoghurt or toast so I put both put and say “ I hope no one eats my toast, I’m really looking forward to it, can’t wait, I do hope no one eats it while I do this job”
Turn away and guaranteed it’s gone amidst giggles in 10 seconds. Again, huge shock and surprise because there must be a mouse in this house eating my toast.. I’ll need to make more now.. sigh.

The problem is that you are inadvertently teaching if it gets you where you want, it’s not helpful in the long run.

You are inadvertently teaching naughtiness, even if...

Fortunately mine are quite good at putting their toys away, but as a child I wasn't always. I remember my mother coming in with a black bin bag to throw them away since I couldn't look after them... I tidied them up very quickly lol! Could give it a go?

And echo what bumfuzzled says: praise, praise, praise specific things they do, it's the best thing to see their faces lit up with pride, whether it's using cutlery nicely, passing the ketchup or brushing their teeth well. They learn how good it feels to have your approval and make you happy, which makes them happy.

When she's ignoring you is she watching the TV? If so something along the lines of:

You- what would you like for breakfast? Cereal or toast
Her - ignoring you
You - [name] would you like breakfast
Her - ignoring you
You - turn TV off, or tablet etc.
Then repeat what you like for breakfast. If she ignores you when you know she can hear then TV is off until she goes to school, if she answers you she is allowed to continue what she was doing or have breakfast then go back to doing what she was doing.

Would she respond to a sticker chart, so when she responds she gets a sticker and the end of the week etc if she has been listening and responding then she gets a small treat.

she just does exactly what she pleases

I've seen this in my dgd, who is an adorable seven-year-old, well-meaning and kind. And capable - she can tidy a room as effectively as an adult.

So, now we have anecdotal evidence that lots of them do it.
Experience has shown that they don't really like people being cross with them.

What biological purpose is this behaviour serving, or marking? Developing independence of carers? Believing that what 'I' want to do is more important than what someone else wants me to do? There'll be something behind it.

You are inadvertently teaching naughtiness,

I think the children probably understand that it is a game.