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Original poster

Will I regret going NC with Sibling?

37 replies

Molly2017 · 06/10/2019 17:19

Just wondering whether anyone has gone no contact with a sibling and regretted it?
I am one of many. It’s always been a difficult relationship and many times I’ve considered seriously reducing contact to Christmas and funerals. Always seem to have caved first though. Plus it always seems like I’m falling out with one of them.
I just feel like I’m at the end of my tether with them and want to stop contact completely, but haven’t so far because we all have children meaning my children will go no contact with cousins. Plus it would make the relationship with my parents difficult.
So I’m wondering whether anyone has gone no contact with one or all of their siblings and regretted it?

OP posts:
bibblybop · 06/10/2019 17:32

I am also one of many and could have written your post OP. I have gone NC with two siblings because they share the same undesirable traits and are just impossible to please or get along with. One has children that unfortunately I have had to go NC with as well. The only thing I regret is the effect on the children. The siblings are toxic and I couldn't cope with the never ending drama/imagined snubs etc. While I do find myself sad at times that I have NC with my DNs, the whole situation is for the best and I have never been happier.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 06/10/2019 17:36

I'm currently NC with my brother but haven't decided if this will be a permanent thing, I'm considering a reconciliation in a few months time. He said something so terribly hurtful to me earlier in the year that we haven't spoken since. He refuses to see that hes done anything wrong so we are at an impasse. It was more of an emotional decision to do this than a rational one. I've no idea how it will pan out. I'm sad about it every day but can't forgive him for what he said without a heartfelt apology from him.

Original poster
Molly2017 · 06/10/2019 17:57

My situation is a combination of both years of drama and then culminating in a nasty comment made to me that I can’t forgive and they haven’t apologised for. It feels like the final straw.

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Original poster
Molly2017 · 06/10/2019 17:59

I guess there doesn’t have to be a big announcement. Or formal end of relationship. They know they have hurt me and they won’t apologise, it shouldn’t be a surprise that they won’t be seeing me for a while. I’m just wondering whether to apply this position to the whole group. And just see my parents by myself.

OP posts:
bibblybop · 06/10/2019 18:32

I guess there doesn’t have to be a big announcement. Or formal end of relationship. They know they have hurt me and they won’t apologise, it shouldn’t be a surprise that they won’t be seeing me for a while. I’m just wondering whether to apply this position to the whole group. And just see my parents by myself.

From the sounds of your situation, if it were me I would go NC with the sibling you have consistent issues with and who has hurt you, and I would hold the others at an arm's length. It doesn't have to be a formal announcement as you said, just protect your feelings by distancing yourself.

ginghamstarfish · 06/10/2019 18:49

I have and don't regret it at all, life is better without a horrible negative person in it, relative or not.

Clutterfreeintraining · 06/10/2019 19:27

Not a sibling but I have gone NC with a parent. It's been more than 2 years now and I don't think an apology is going to be heading my way anytime soon. Whilst the last two years have been quite stressful as I have been forced to rethink and process a my father's behaviour (as far back as I can remember), it has taught me an awful lot.

Clutterfreeintraining · 06/10/2019 19:28

Would it be possible to have contact with nieces and nephews without being in touch with your sibling? I suppose it depends on their ages.

cleanasawhistle · 06/10/2019 19:34

Its something I am considering too OP.
Its the effect on the wider family that stops me .
I actually decided yesterday that I have to at least go LC....and I have turned down an invatation because I know she will be there

Its so hard OP

Original poster
Molly2017 · 06/10/2019 19:46

I can’t really facilitate contact between the cousins as the children are quite young. Also I worry about what the children are already picking up on. I prefer not to discuss this in front of my children, but my sibling is happy to go for me in front of her child. I try to protect mine from all the fighting, she seems to enjoy doing it in front of her child, like it offers her some sort of protect in term of me moderating my response, whereas she’ll just tear into me regardless.
Now I think about it, I don’t think she has ever apologised to me. Ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Molly2017 · 06/10/2019 19:50

I feel like I’m agonising over this decision and she really couldn’t care less.

OP posts:
100PercentThatBitch · 06/10/2019 19:57

I have this problem

I have two siblings the older one is an utter fucking nightmare.

Growing up they deliberately drove a wedge between myself and my other sibling by creating a "twos company, and threes a crowd" environment

I have gone a quiet kind NC with my oldest sibling, in that I made no grand announcement or gesture of "I'm not talking to you anymore" or cause a scene, I just routinely avoid them at all costs and don't speak to them voluntarily. It's been wonderful I've only seen them twice in 3 years.

My other sibling has recently had a moment were the scales have finally fallen from their eyes and they have realised what the other is really like

It's such a relief as I no longer feel like the lone voice.

Clutterfreeintraining · 06/10/2019 19:59

That is such a difficult situation, op Sad
Have you posted on the relationships board? There is so much good advice there

Original poster
Molly2017 · 06/10/2019 20:00

The thing that really gets to me is I have friends who are so close with their siblings, they actually go out of their way to help each other and enjoy each other’s company and I feel so jealous and cheated.

OP posts:
100PercentThatBitch · 06/10/2019 20:00

Without wishing my sibling any ill will or personal trouble, if they literally vanished from my life I wouldn't care and would feel relieved

lumpy76 · 06/10/2019 20:02

I've gone NC with my entire family. Have been virtually NC with brothers for many years and went NC with parents but then initiated contact again which has lasted 2.5 yrs before falling apart again. I feel sooo much better not having them in my life. Do feel guilty about dc's but they agree that they don't like them anyway... my Ds (15) goes as far as saying he hates my dm and calling her a rather unpleasant name...tbf she did come on holiday with us and bully him the whole time when he was 10.

user764329056 · 06/10/2019 20:02

Am NC with a sibling and narc mother, life is far more peaceful as a result, good luck OP

100PercentThatBitch · 06/10/2019 20:06

Yep OP I hear you, people always assume they are really supportive of me because I've had some challenges. Nope.

I was in a play once, a proper one in a prestigious theatre. They didn't come because I didn't even tell them.

I'm really jealous of people with close supportive siblings. It rankled further that they used to have that with each other and would rub it in my face.

cptartapp · 06/10/2019 20:18

I was always LC with my DB. Whenever our DM was killed in a car accident, us having to spend time together sorting our her affairs and selling the family home reinforced his selfish confrontational nature and just how much we had never got along. Our DF had died many years ago, so I found myself at 44 having no parents and only one sibling I don't like and haven't seen now for nearly two years. Nor my nephew. I see comments he posts on fb and still think he's an idiot. Every Xmas, public holiday, birthday etc is now spent with DH family. Which brings its own frustrations and resentments.

Original poster
Molly2017 · 06/10/2019 20:32

This is the problem. If I go nc with my family, that only leaves DH’s and they are far from perfect. Although pretty tame compared to mine.
It’s very lonely and isolating. Especially as I feel like I’m the one on the outside and they have each other. Honestly, if I didn’t call my parents regularly I’d never hear from them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Molly2017 · 06/10/2019 20:33

@cptartapp so sorry for your loss of both parents. That must make it either harder with your DB.

OP posts:
Nubbled · 06/10/2019 20:41

I send my sibling a birthday card and a Christmas card, they do the same for me. We don't have any other contact, our parents are dead and our (grown up) children don't contact each other.

They left it up to me to sort out our parents estate, but didn't question my decisions.

My DH's parents are dead and he keeps in contact with his siblings with a weekly phone call, my family are DH and the 4 DC's.

scrivette · 06/10/2019 20:42

I am pretty much NC with mine, it's sad as he used to be one of my best friends and I miss the person he was.

I would have been okay to see him at Christmas but it's worked out that we won't be together then either. (More his doing due to the plans he made with my parents).

I feel sorry for the cousins missing out on a relationship, my children have cousins the other side but my nieces don't.

My poor parents are very upset about it too but agree it's for the best.

Luxembourgmama · 06/10/2019 20:43

I definitely haven't regretted it. Relieved everyday.

cptartapp · 06/10/2019 20:44

My parents' deaths made me realise life's too short to be spent with people you don't like, family or not. It's exhausting and stressful. Even his wife divorced him. He ruined lots of my childhood, I'm not going to reward his behaviour.