Will I regret going NC with Sibling?

[Molly2017]

Just wondering whether anyone has gone no contact with a sibling and regretted it?
I am one of many. It’s always been a difficult relationship and many times I’ve considered seriously reducing contact to Christmas and funerals. Always seem to have caved first though. Plus it always seems like I’m falling out with one of them.
I just feel like I’m at the end of my tether with them and want to stop contact completely, but haven’t so far because we all have children meaning my children will go no contact with cousins. Plus it would make the relationship with my parents difficult.
So I’m wondering whether anyone has gone no contact with one or all of their siblings and regretted it?

Like cptartapp, I have one brother who has always been confrontational and of a bullying nature. Some of the things he has said and done are awful and he was at his worst after our mum died.

I would have happily never seen him again, but a family tragedy meant I had close contact for a while. I can’t say more, as he is a MN poster, but that in itself has been a revelation, seeing him lie so blatantly on here about his life and family!

I am now LC and will never see him again. Fortunately I have a lovely DH and kids, plus other relatives who I get on well with.

I too feel sad that some people have normal relationships with siblings but I don’t dwell on it. Life is good in so many other ways.

I've been nc with my sister for 5 years now and haven't regretted it AT ALL. She was horrible to me growing up. Tried to make me feel bad when I sat and watched my dad die because I asked someone else in the family to tell her ( she lived too far away to get there before he went), so I sat and described to her, in great detail, how traumatic it was and told her I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
She became one of my biggest self harm triggers. I asked her once, what had I ever done to her to deserve the shit she put me through, she wouldn't answer.
She also says she was diagnosed with bipolar, personally I think it was her excuse for why she she was a selfish, self centred bitch.
Even when my mum was dying, when she visited it was all about her and her needs.

Nope! Don't regret it one bit. Peaceful is where I'm at and where I want to stay.

I am NC with my sister.

Since our parents passed away we have nothing in common.

She has gone NC with our other siblings. I'm not interested in getting back in touch TBH.

Peace is exactly what I need right now.

I had many conversations with my mother, with regards to my sister. I even told her that having spent 30 years of my life trying to get on with my sister it was her turn. It wasnt until after my mother died that I realised the significance of what she said. It was about money, that had she not been in a civil partnership, my sister and I would have been well off.
To this day, the loss of all my biological family and extra family due to that partnership has been a fucking great weight off my shoulders.
"They" say blood is thicker than water, I say go fuck yourself, I make choices that help my mental health I have absolutely no desire what so ever to flog a dead horse.
Only you can create your peace. Only you can fight the familial guilt. I wish you good luck.

I'm currently going through this. This sibling has decided they'd like to go no contact with the whole family for no good reason. If anyone disagrees with them, that person is toxic and thats that. It infuriates me because that sibling is the most toxic family member and for years we've been walking on eggshells around them. I'm never going to miss them but we all miss their DS, my nephew, so badly especially my DD who doesn't understand why she can't see her cousin. So upsetting and I could throttle this sibling for being so rudding selfish.

Honestly, if I didn’t call my parents regularly I’d never hear from them.

Molly, it's not just your sibling, is it? It sounds like you are having to do all of the work if you want to have any sort of relationship with any of your family. That's upsetting and exhausting.

I have a very similar situation with my family. Since I faced up to the hard truth that they only bother with me when I'm useful to them, and their feelings count but mine do not, I have reduced my contact with them to almost nothing other than Christmas cards and funerals. I grieved at first but in time, my life became calmer and happier. I no longer spend weeks knotted up with anxiety in advance of any family gathering because I just don't go. It's such a relief not to have to pretend.

What I would say is decide what is best for you and stick to it. If that means Christmas cards and funerals too, then do what works for you. It will be upsetting at first but that feeling will subside.

I realise you are concerned about your children having the benefit of cousins and extended family. Your children are young and while it is theoretically nice for them to have cousins in their life, this comes at the cost of seeing their aunt rip lumps out of their mum at any opportunity with no regard for the impact on them. A poster for whom I have the greatest respect always says, "If someone is too toxic for you, it's the same deal for your children". She's right. Protect your children. They really don't need to be exposed to this sort of angry toxic behaviour and they really don't need an auntie like this in their lives.

Good luck

@EmmiJay thank you for your view, I’m taking it on board. I worry that they will think it’s for no good reason too. Especially as this particular argument wasn’t as bad as some of the others we have had.
Also I need an apology this time and I’ve never felt that it was a deal breaker before.
It’s not that one argument, it’s years and years of feeling like I’m giving everything and getting nothing back. Nothing except stress, anxiety and negativity.
This argument was in front of her child, which I feel she does on purpose. To make others more measured in their responses while she can say exactly what she thinks.
I’m fed up and tired of the constant manipulation.
My children are getting to an age where they understand what’s going on and I don’t want them witnessing this.

@SingingLily yes. I do make all the effort to maintain contact which is why it would be so easy to walk away.
I moved away from the home town 15 yrs ago when I began a relationship with my now husband. I’m the only family member who doesn’t live in that town. I’m one hour away. When I was on mat leave I would drive there once a week to visit. They visit me once a year on my birthday and complain the whole time about what an awful journey it is, how long it takes, why did I move soooo far. It’s one hour.

Dsis went NC with me over something stupid and then listed to my mum a whole litany of hate from years back.

Tbh it's made my life easier. I was pretty devasted initially but life is calm now. My dc don't have contact with her. I think if she can't be civil in the same room she doesn't get to cosy up to my kids. No one else who hated me would hang out with them, why someone just because of birth?

I've gone NC with my brother because he let me down (I was supposed to go out with him to a party) and then told me it was justified because he thought I may embarrass him in front of his friends. To be honest it brought back something from childhood where I was his fat little sister who he was ashamed of. I thought those years were long gone but it feels just the same as then.

He can't see that he's done anything wrong and is minimising it saying I'm making a fuss over nothing, but I can't see myself having a relationship with someone who views me as a public embarrassment. I've no idea what it is about me that he would find so embarrassing anyway but I'm not sticking around to find out.

It makes me feel sad but I'm not going to let it go. I honestly don't know how to get past it or if things will ever be the same again.

I moved away from the home town 15 yrs ago

That's not a coincidence, Molly. I don't think there was much reason for you to go back, new relationship or not. In fact, I think it was the most sensible decision, for both you and your husband.

It does feel lonely and isolating, I know that. We are constantly told that blood is thicker than water and families should stick together. We are made to feel at fault in some way if we can't make our family relationships work. You only have to watch the barrage of Christmas ads on TV promoting family togetherness and happiness and love and warmth. The truth is, some families are just better kept at a distance. Just being in the same room as them is enough to send your stress levels soaring. It's sad but it's not as uncommon as you might think.

You have your DH and your children. They are your family now. Concentrate on making your home a happy home and making your own happy family memories - ones that are completely different to those of your own unhappy upbringing. It can be done.

I worry that they will think it’s for no good reason too.

Ohhh Molly, even if you explained, what are the chances they would ever see it from your point of view? Isn't that part of the problem? When have you ever had support from your family? Stop worrying about what they will think. They'll think whatever they think regardless of what you do. As long as you continue to believe that you can influence their behaviour, they will continue to upset your life. Let it go. For your own sake.