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Original poster

How to be okay with not having kids

42 replies

Sockypuppet · 05/10/2019 19:17

It's not going to happen for me. I'll never carry a child or give birth. I can't make myself okay with it.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/10/2019 19:21

I should imagine it's a marathon not a sprint.

Thanks

I would ring around and find a therapist that can help you come to terms with it. You need to grieve and that takes time.

Singlenotsingle · 05/10/2019 19:34

A lot of women are choosing not to have kids. Out of my friendship group of six, only three of us had kids. They have nice houses and lots of travel instead Smile

TheCatsACunt · 05/10/2019 19:35

A lot of women are choosing not to have kids

Good for them (and me, I made the same choice) but that doesn’t help the OP who obviously hasn’t chosen this, and is feeling a sense of loss.

OP, I’d agree with the suggestion of counseling.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 05/10/2019 19:37

A lot of women are choosing not to have kids.

Jesus, I do wonder sometimes if people on MN have any concept of empathy and putting themselves in the position of the OP.

Holymolymackerel · 05/10/2019 20:57

I am so sorry. No platitudes anybody can say will help. Therapy and one day at a time.

Helmlover1 · 05/10/2019 21:09

Sorry to hear that OP. Have you looked into fostering or adoption? Sounds awful but there’s of unwanted kids out there in need of a loving family.

Bezalelle · 05/10/2019 21:18

I'd say she's probably though about it, yes. God, it's like "what not to say to a woman who can't have children" bingo.

Helmlover1 · 05/10/2019 21:26

Bezalelle you have offered absolutely no constructive advice whatsoever to the OP so instead of just slagging everyone else’s posts off why don’t you say something useful?

Pagwatch · 05/10/2019 21:28

You need to talk to someone. It’s a form of grief. Could you find a counsellor maybe?
I’m so sorry

Alyssum34456 · 05/10/2019 21:31

Have you thought about adoption? Someone I know did this and they love their kids so much they genuinely now say they are so so glad they adopted and although it sounds crazy, they never would have if they hadn't gone through this.

Alyssum34456 · 05/10/2019 21:32

Nature is nothing compared to nurture...

Mummy1224 · 05/10/2019 21:33

This is absolutely a form of grief, and you need to give yourself permission to feel like this, and time to let your feelings work themselves out. Doing this with a therapist would also be great, to guide you through the process. Please don’t feel like you HAVE to feel ok with this. It’s a huge thing to process. Be kind to yourself and give it time, you will eventually find a balance Flowers

Bumpinthenight · 05/10/2019 21:40

Absolutely give yourself time.

My DH and I have only one child due to secondary infertility. 6 years after finding out we definitely wouldn't have another child I still do pregnancy tests if my period is 5 minutes late just in case!

Honestly, it is tough. It does get easier (once you ignore all the thoughtless comments, including those from you MIL). I still have periods of not being OK with it, but they are getting further apart.

Go easy on yourself.

Phoebesgift · 05/10/2019 21:59

Having kids isn't all its cracked up to be. My autistic daughter is hard work. Look for the positives. There are many.

tangledyarn · 05/10/2019 22:56

Am sorry. Its really hard. It's also not going to happen for me and I am finding it very painful...not helped by flippant and thoughtless comments like the above. Things that help me at the moment seem to be having hobbies, trying to focus on doing small things I enjoy, trying to make my life as easy as possible whilst also trying to feel useful and purposeful..although this is hard as I also have a lot of health problems so am limited in what I can do a lot. I try to accept there will be some days it feels unbearable. I'm sure at some point therapy might be helpful but I'm not ready for thet yet. It's very much a grieving process so try and be kind to yourself Flowers

Ilady · 06/10/2019 02:36

I don't have a family. If I had met the right person I would have had a child.
One day a friend of mine with 2 kids said - I have spent half my life bring up children. One of my kids has sn, is doing well now but I still have to get them through secondary school and I want them to be able to live independently. I still have a hard few years ahead of me.
She made me realize that my life is not to bad. I can concentrate on the things I want or need to do. I can make plans without thinking of a partner/child. I can get up and head off for the day or take advantage of cheap holidays work and money permitting.
Also my money is my own. I can save money and put money into a pension because I want to be able to enjoy my retirement.
I think we need to accept and be happy with what we have rather than been unhappy the way our lives worked out. I know that it's easier said than done at times.

SleepWarrior · 06/10/2019 02:54

Have you looked up the group (I think) Gateway Women?

It's for involuntarily childless women for whatever reason has landed them in that position (infertility, no partner, illness etc).

TheFatberg · 06/10/2019 03:28

I think we've got a full house here of insensitive posts:

  1. Think of all the travel you can do!
  2. Why not adopt?
  3. My kid is hard work because of x so good job you can't have kids.

Honestly, I'm sure the OP has heard all this "well meaning" advice before, and I'm sure it doesn't change her situation and her sadness about not being able to have a child.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP, I'd agree that having someone to talk to may help, but I also imagine that this is something that might not go away and will always be painful, though maybe not as raw in the future.

BishopFrownofStThigh · 06/10/2019 04:47

OP I'm sorry - I lost a child and don't think I can have one now.

Do you have a bond with family/friend's children? You are obviously carrying sadness. I think speak to a counsellor first? I'm worried about saying the wrong thing by posting.

@SleepWarrior posted about an organisation Gateway which seemed like it might be useful.

I guess for me it seems strange not worrying about contraception in that sense and not feeling the 'need' to preserve family things for a child

Original poster
Sockypuppet · 06/10/2019 06:59

I'm amazing with kids. My friends', neighbours', and colleagues' kids always come running to me.

There's a guy in my life who I really should break up with but we still hook up, partly because I hope a miracle will happen.

I have an amazing career and I travel all the time.

OP posts:
jellycatspyjamas · 06/10/2019 07:12

It is a bit like infertility bingo on here. You don’t need to think about adoption (and if you did go down that route you’d still need to grieve not having a birth child), you don’t need to travel, have an amazing career or a demanding hobby. You just live your life, in whatever way you choose.

You might grieve for the future that isn’t going to be what you hoped it would, you might invest in other relationships with adults and/or children, you might decide to move house or change job - who knows but the pain of involuntary infertility is incredible and it’s one of those losses which changes as you get older and miss those kids getting married having grandchildren milestones too. It truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

It’s a very hard hurt (and one that’s not remotely healed by adoption- you really need to do your healing first). Counselling might give you space to talk with someone who can help you pick your way through the pain.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 06/10/2019 07:15

Counselling might help. I know people suggest adoption and it often doesn't go down well but it obviously is a solution for some people. But I think counselling is the best option, probably.

Bucatini · 06/10/2019 07:16

Seconding the suggestion to look into Gateway women.

Trainwardrobe · 06/10/2019 07:28

I’m sorry OP it’s awful. I’m in the same boat. Known for about six months but really hitting me now. I’ve wanted to end it- would never ever have predicted it would make me feel this low. Thanks for that article link op- I think it does trigger negative core beliefs like I’m defective worthless etc. I find therapy some help as my therapist seems to properly get it. The triggers everywhere are hideous. I’m normally very patient but have found myself being quite direct with people if they are being a bit mindless in their conversation with me but know my news. Eg ahh look at that sweet baby cardigan. Erm no not really into that at the moment. Erm thanks but no I don’t want to meet new colleagues baby every lunch at work it’s quite painful.
When some but not all people say to me it’s a form of grief I find it difficult (depends on tone of voice and if I can feel empathy from them), I can’t quite explain why. It’s like the words “form of” seem slightly diminishing and flippant. Don’t wish to offend anyone whose said this and it is indeed a specific form of grief. Needs its own word !

I’m trying to do hobby stuff but find it very difficult to concentrate so if I’m not working I’m sleeping or walking or cycling.

I’ve kind of written off the next twelve months in terms of pushing myself in any massive way with career / personal development etc. I’m just going to get through each half day.

I really hope things start to get easier for you and I’m so sorry you’re going through this too.

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