How to be okay with not having kids

[Sockypuppet]

It's not going to happen for me. I'll never carry a child or give birth. I can't make myself okay with it.

Yes, there is a lot of baby stuff at my work. There's a group chat for work which has become overrun with babies because two colleagues have a child and grandchild respectively. I guess they assume that I'm childless by choice, or they just don't give a fuck.

I know -Its like there’s some stuff that can be muted and avoided for a while but it’s so lonely going into complete retreat and the parent grandparent family chat and advertising is everywhere

I agree with giving yourself lots of time. And try to find other women without children to be around, whether online or in person. A friend has found Gateway Women very good — it’s for women who are involuntarily childless, and they have online forums and meet-ups.

I'm sorry OP.
The thing is you don't ever really have to just accept it. It's okay to hurt and of course you will be upset about infertility, that's normal. Just take your time x

I am not in your position so from the other side I truly believe it is grief.

Grief for what "should have been", "grief that your hormones on and body don't get to the thing they exist for", "grief for a longer term future I'n not going to have".

Grief doesn't have a set pattern, what is ok today is unbearable tomorrow. It will hopefully diminish in intensity over time but I suspect like with all grief there are still twinges of sadness.

My analogy is with my parents (I belong on the Stately Homes!) it isn't grief for losing them (still here and not part of my life) but over the decades I have grieved for what I never had and never will have. At times it hurts as much as losing close friends, occasionally something happens and it roars up and slaps me around the head again. The endless conversations from other people about their Mum's still really hurts sometimes- it is a bit like a club I've never belonged to... oh and the judgement too

I've been friends with people whilst going through long term infertility and even as a teenager I could see how f*cking heart breaking it was and raw and just exhausting. No I am old I have peers that have had to come to terms and move on and they are less painful place but are still deeply hurt at times by utterly inappropriate comments etc usually from family tbh.

Op find a good therapist, literally phone a few up and chat and see who you click with. Find a forum or thread where you can rant and rave with people that understand,

For those with the bingo cards on here:

Never getting pregnant - fucking painful
Never giving birth - fucking painful
Never being parent - fucking painful
Never being a grandparent- fucking painful

EACH is painful and sad in their own right. I will be sad if I don't become a grandparent, obviously I always tell my DC I want them to be happy and life will be what it is (2 of my DDs gave gynae issues) but I will be upset and grieve for what "I wish would be" for me as well as a separate grief for them if they want parenthood and it doesn't happen.

Op be kind to yourself and perhaps if you feel brave enough do make comments to others so they know you are not childless by choice

I suffered from infertility and I get the literal breath taking pain of watching others happy baby news. I've never known pain like it, one minute I'd feel fine, then I'd see a lady in a shop pregnant and it would feel like a punch to the stomach.

I'd agree with counselling as the grief is so multifaceted and takes some unpicking.

I was eventually lucky enough to have a successful round of IVF so I no longer have the pain of not having a child but I still feel defective and less like a woman that I couldn't conceive naturally. It's a primal urge and something we just assume will happen when we're ready, to find it won't is traumatic.

OP, @Ilady is right, sometimes we just want to see it all through rosy spectacles, but bear in mind life is not always like that.

I fought long and hard to have one but he is disabled and looking back, I should have read the proverbial message on the wall and stayed childless. I don't think I have any love left now and definitely no time to myself and struggling to cope mentally.

It made me realise to count small everyday blessings and make most of life, we can't all achieve everything we would have liked.

I suppose you could foster, I met a lovely lady who is fostering a young girl with an who came from a very deprived home and the girl is now thriving.

I often feel I have more in common with childless people than families, I avoid any conversation about families as our situation leaves us extremely isolated.

Make most of your time, find solace in nature and connect with people who have time for you.

Best of luck

TheFatBerg- “we’ve got a houseful of insensitive posts..”

TheFatBerg’s advice to the OP- “this is something that might not go away and will always be painful”- yeah cos that’s a really sensitive thing to say, well done for that little ‘contribution’

Ok next time I'll tell her she'll be fine with a spa day and a lie in then.

The suggestions on this thread have not been unreasonable, and I dare say the exploration of fostering/adoption and focussing on the ‘positive’ aspects of a child free life probably come up in counselling/bereavement type of sessions for people who can’t have children.

It always seems to me that the sort of people who come on these types of threads telling everyone other posters that their advice is shit either have nothing valuable to add, or say something really inappropriate themselves, as proven by TheFatBerg.

TheFatBerg’s advice to the OP- “this is something that might not go away and will always be painful”- yeah cos that’s a really sensitive thing to say, well done for that little ‘contribution’

In fairness, it’s not something that goes away and is still painful for me - even after adopting two DC that I love with ever part of my being. Not having been pregnant, missing those early years, knowing there’s part of my children’s lives that happened before I could love and protect them... in my experience it’s been helpful to have people who fully understand that the loss you experience in infertility isn’t easily healed and does change over time. I have two children and am utterly blessed to have them. I still remember the very sharp pain every month if knowing I still wasn’t pregnant, the feeling that your body has let you down in some way, not being part of “that” club.

Some of that has been helped by adoption - but I’d be lying if I didn’t still feel the sting of infertility.

I hope that miracle WILL happen for you OP

@helmlover1 TheFatBerg’s advice to the OP- “this is something that might not go away and will always be painful”- yeah cos that’s a really sensitive thing to say, well done for that little ‘contribution’
But unfortunately this is true for most. After 20+ years I still find it painful. For example, every time a pregnancy is announced at work or by a friend it's like a punch in the stomach. As time goes on you learn ways of coping and now I'm at an age that I personally think is too old to have a baby I'm finding it bothers me less. This may sound silly to some but getting our little dog got us through the worst. She gave us something to focus on and take care of. It's obviously not the answer to the pain of not having children but it was a living thing that needed us to take care of it so helped us.

This is my experience: the grief lessens over time. While your grief and sorrow is really strong, there's no point in trying to think of being okay - you have to ride it out. Just try to get through the bereavement. It's a loss like the death of someone you love. You are getting used to your life being different to what you ever thought.

I spent about two? years feeling emotional when I saw a pregnant woman, struggling to say " We can't have children", but it got better.
I took a lot of comfort in doing quietly enjoyable things with my DH, enjoying his companionship, just taking pleasure in small things: a lie in together, small trips on a whim.
I got more involved in my hobbies, consciously thinking about having the time and energy for them.
I also got my cats.

We enjoy a very comfortable life now. I have rationalised a lot -"I probably would have been a terrible parent!" You can feel compensations once your sorrow lets go its grip.

Nonameslob- I understand what you mean and I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, but the point I was making is I dislike ‘condescending’ posters who tell other people that their advice is rubbish. For example, you mentioned getting a pet dog really helped you, however you always get people in this kinds of threads saying that the suggestion of getting a pet is absurd and offensive to people who can’t have children.

I don’t think it’s really up to other posters to judge whose advice is good or bad, as I feel it should be up to the OP, or people like you in the OP’s situation, to do that.

Count your blessings OP. I bet you have a lot to be thankful for in your life.

Wow, @Phoebesgift, how empathetic I'm sure the OP does have things in her life that she's thankful for, but she also has every right to her grief at this sad situation. Best wishes to you OP I hope you can find a way to process this in your own time.