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Original poster

christmas gift being bought by someone else before Christmas

34 replies

JAIENLCE29 · 05/10/2019 07:46

I found out yesterday that my LOs paternal grandmother has bought her the same item as what her Dad and I have bought her for her main Christmas present. She has given her the item already, and dropped it casually into conversation yesterday (I dont see her often, the reason me and her son are no longer together is because his parents dont think I am good enough for him.. his words).

When I've done a little bit of digging, it turns out shes bought this item AFTER shes been told what we've bought her for her main Christmas present.

It's not the first time something like this has happened, maybe I'm being precious but it seems deliberate. I cant decide if I should speak to her and explain, or not say anything so she doesn't know that shes upset me. Any advice?

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 05/10/2019 07:52

It seems very deliberate. What does you ex have to say about it?

Nicola1892 · 05/10/2019 07:53

Call her out on it and ask why she thought it was okay? Sounds to me she has some jealousy issues. I would be telling her she can take the present I got back and give me the money.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/10/2019 07:54

Digging how? Can you be 100%? If you can than your ex MIL has ISSUES

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Events & celebrations
SnuggyBuggy · 05/10/2019 07:55

I'd be tempted to pretend to have bought something really expensive for the main present

Chilledout11 · 05/10/2019 07:56

I wouldn't be happy at all. It's a lesson to not tell her ever again your plans for gifts. Is there anything else you could buy your daughter?

Bucatini · 05/10/2019 07:59

If that's deliberate it's a nasty thing to do. I guess in future don't tell her what you're planning to get. If it was your ex that told her, you'll have to start doing separate presents from you and him.

As she's your ex MIL I don't see why you ever have to see her or have any contact! Minimise it as much as possible.

I wouldn't talk to her about it personally.

Original poster
JAIENLCE29 · 05/10/2019 08:01

My ex says it isnt a big deal, he has always down played things like this. Its frustrating because we are generally doing a good job of parenting together. The main issues being when his family play games like this.

I am sure it was bought after, I casually asked when she had got it, and it was definitely after we bought it.

I didn't tell her, my ex did, we have always done joint presents but as a PP says maybe it's time to do different presents.

OP posts:
Chrissmasjammies · 05/10/2019 08:03

The pp who says take this as a lesson to tell her nothing about presents ever again has it right. Dont give her the attention shes looking for or drama she is trying to provoke. Ignore and move on.

LIZS · 05/10/2019 08:10

How old is your lo and what is the gift? Could you not keep one at each home for her?

Clangus00 · 05/10/2019 08:13

What did dad say to his mum? I assume he went half on the cost with you on the present so his mum has just wasted his money too?

spoonyJoe · 05/10/2019 08:21

My MIL used to do this. Obviously not for long as we stopped telling her what we were going to buy her.

We bought dd a play kitchen for Christmas and so did MIL. I just kept both of them for a couple of weeks and then said to dd that we would give one to playgroup as she could play with it there. They still had it ten years later.

Original poster
JAIENLCE29 · 05/10/2019 09:07

It is a play kitchen. I'm more upset it's been given to her before Christmas, I think I would have rolled my eyes if she had given it to her at Christmas along with ours and done as a PP did and donated it to someone. Buying the kitchen after being told what we had bought for christmas and ensuring it was given to her beforehand seems so mean.

I'm worried that I wont say anything (which is what I'm leaning more towards) and then her thinking this type of thing is acceptable. She did a similar thing last year, bought the same toy (which was large) that she knew my daughter already had been gifted by someone on my side.

Dad isnt bothered, says it's not a big deal, but has form for accepting anything his parents say or do without challenging it. I dont want my daughter pulling into point scoring, that's my aim to make her childhood as least problematic as possible (which is most peoples haha) and I dont want ill feeling between each side of her family.

OP posts:
Soola · 05/10/2019 09:38

Why weren’t you able to say

“That’s lovely but I wish you had checked with me/us first as we have bought her the same kitchen for Christmas already. Do you want to take it back for an exchange/refund or keep it at yours Dow her to play with?”.

Soola · 05/10/2019 09:38

Dow means for

Countrylifeornot · 05/10/2019 09:59

Let ex mil keep it at her house, drama completely avoided.

Chloemol · 05/10/2019 10:05

So she keeps it at her house. You give yours to your child for your house, and in the future don’t buy joint presents. I would also say I am going to but xxxx let your ex tell his mother so sh3 buys that, and you buy something different anyway

BeanBag7 · 05/10/2019 10:07

How ridiculous that she has given it to her already, presumably it's not a birthday or anything so to give her a big present like that for no reason seems obviously just to get at you.
Is it too late to return the one you bought? I know you dont want to and shouldnt have to, but there is no point in having two. In future don't talk to MIL about gifts I suppose!

GreenTulips · 05/10/2019 10:08

If you’ve split up it’s one for each parent isn’t it? But I get they it’s no longer a surprise present as she’ll have it already.

It’s just rude !

In a couple of years your child will notice and start mentioning these things herself

spoonyJoe · 05/10/2019 10:23

I completely get it and she’s ridiculous just giving a child a kitchen for no reason. She’s trying to upstage you but she never will be able to as you are your dd’s mother.

I would return the kitchen and get her something else now. A farm is a good present for this age.

Iloveacurry · 05/10/2019 10:33

I would suggest not doing joint presents with your ex and not telling him what your getting for your LO going forward.

Original poster
JAIENLCE29 · 05/10/2019 10:59

I should have said something there and then, and I regret not doing so. I was just so shocked that I could barely say anything.

She will be keeping at her house, absolutely. My disappointment is that shes given the gift before we have. Like a PP said, it's a big gift, and it hasnt been her birthday or anything, so why give it knowing it was her main present at Christmas.

I feel relieved that I'm not imagining that its rude, and other people see the issue. I will rise above it, and from now on buy gifts separately as everyone has advised. I am going to still give my daughter the kitchen, if I was to return it I would be engaging in the silliness of it all I guess. She would be successful in undermining me then, and that's the last thing I want.

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 05/10/2019 11:49

Sounds like she ultimately hopes your DD will like her the most if she provides gifts, especially as her rationale is to 'find out' what DD's best/biggest gift is or what you are getting her, and get in there first. It's obviously nonsense OP and tragic behaviour really.

I'd get different presents and keep quiet in the future, or just ask her why she's doing it and say you think it's a bit silly as DD hardly wants or needs two of the same as it just makes both less special.

justilou1 · 05/10/2019 11:55

I would say “Oh, you’ve done it again, have you? No imagination of your own, then?”
Tell her you’re getting her a pony next year.

Ludways · 05/10/2019 12:36

Oh god the "who us buying what for Christmas" malarkey has started again! This has always been bloody awful for us and my step dd. The amount of times she'd get the same thing twice or not get the actual thing she really wanted was nearly every year. Exw was the most awkward she could be. In fact when we bought sdd an iPad it was immediately removed and never returned, even though sdd is now 21 and at uni... still no iPad as it wasn't a previously authorised by her gift.

Ludways · 05/10/2019 12:37

Sorry, projecting! Lol