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Original poster

HV told me to leave 3 week old to self soothe

49 replies

tiredtrumpet · 03/10/2019 13:26

DD doesn't settle unless we are holding her. When we place her down in her Moses, in a bouncer or anywhere really she screams.
HV visited after a particularly rough night where I had been holding baby upright since 4am. I have a toddler so no napping during the day and I was explaining that I can't attend to my toddler at all because I can't put baby down.
I also had a cold when she visited so I was absolutely exhausted and just looking for a bit of advice/reassurance that this too shall pass.

She told me I have spoilt the baby because I have been holding her since she was born. The baby now "expects" to be held and when she is crying when I put her down she is merely protesting.
She said I have created sleep issues, and if I don't stop it, I will have a nightmare baby. When I asked about DD thinking I had a bonded her and also I stated that I did not want to do controlled crying at such a young age, she said it was backed up by science that babies brains are not developed enough to consider the possibility of being abandoned.

I understand the core of what she was saying, and that essentially I do just have to put the baby down and get on with other stuff, attend to toddler, make meals etc, such is life, but it's the fact that she said I had created sleep issues.

I'm worried out of my mind now that she won't ever sleep.

DH and I tried to put her in her Moses basket after her bath and she screamed and cried from 7pm-11pm. I didn't leave her, I kept picking her up and reassuring her, but she was distraught and so were we. We have tried to do it today and as a result she has barely slept.

I'm really not sure I should be following this advice at 3 weeks of age, but wanted to hear some experience of other parents?

OP posts:
AllTheCakes · 03/10/2019 13:29

Three weeks is way too early for any sort of sleep intervention. I would ignore their advice and do what feels right for you. There might be times that you have to put baby down, but you are the only things the baby knows at this stage and it would be cruel to deny a tiny baby that comfort.

Have you got a sling so you can at least move around?

MustardScreams · 03/10/2019 13:31

Do not listen to that woman! And put in a complaint about her horrendous ‘advice’. Babies need to be held.

Google the fourth trimester.

Mrsducky88 · 03/10/2019 13:31

Please don’t listen to HV, you cannot spoil a baby and you certainly haven’t created sleep issues in a 3 week old baby! Read up about 4th trimester, it’s a natural instinct for them to want to be near you and held. A sling is a lifesaver for getting things done during the day. Could you try and give her to DH and go to bed at 9pm and get a couple of hours sleep before DH comes to bed? Or think about cosleeping, it absolutely saved me when DD was little.

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0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families
eurochick · 03/10/2019 13:33

Ignore her and listen to your instincts. You have a toddler so presumably you have done this before. Some health visitors really are shockingly awful.

katmarie · 03/10/2019 13:34

That's horrible outdated advice. Your baby has spent three weeks in the big wide world, prior to which all she knew was you. It's going to take time for her to adjust to life on the outside and in the meantime contact with you is her main source of comfort. You cant spoil her or set up bad habits at three weeks old.

memememe · 03/10/2019 13:34

what a load of bollocks. your baby is 3 weeks old. she needs to be cuddled and held. id suggest getting a sling. also have you looked into the possibility she might have reflux? maybe tilt the basket a little by putting books under one end legs. also have you tried swaddling the baby? she might like it xx

Herocomplex · 03/10/2019 13:35

And find a way for you to get a few hours sleep, can someone else help with the baby, just for a while?

Pantheon · 03/10/2019 13:35

Agree with PPs. Ridiculous thing for HV to say. A MN favourite but do you have a sling for during the day?

slipperywhensparticus · 03/10/2019 13:37

Ignore her advice but with the best will in the world tired stressed parents will not easily be able to soothe the baby you need to sleep and tackle it take it in turns

Passthecherrycoke · 03/10/2019 13:37

She’s ruled by her stomach at that age, I don’t see how you could make her sleep longer. However she’s far too young IMO to be going down at 7pm- if you’d just kept her downstairs until 11 you could’ve escaped the hours of crying!

I’m a bit on the fence about the HV- there is no magic solution to this and there was always a good chance you were going to get advice you don’t like in that situation.

Also as you say, you do just need to put her down and get on with things. You’ll go crazy otherwise and your toddlers behaviour will become problematic which is even more stressful.

Lots of sympathy though we also have a new baby and it’s really tough

Original poster
tiredtrumpet · 03/10/2019 13:37

I do have a sling somewhere but I've lost it, when I get a minute I'll look for it, but I think I'll be ordering one if I can't find it.

Yes done it before and not that long ago, and I held my DS for every nap he had, it was wonderful! I spent the early days cuddling and watching Netflix.

I think I've just panicked because I can't do that this time, and I need to be able to put her down and play with toddler etc.
It was then that she told me that I've created this sleep association with me and that she will never sleep on her own in the basket now because of what I had done.
I was just so tired and strung out that I hung on her every word.

A few days later and I'm wondering if what she said was right Confused

OP posts:
smeerf · 03/10/2019 13:39

That's terrible! Oh god, how many women has she said that to?

Soola · 03/10/2019 13:39

Awful advice.

katienana · 03/10/2019 13:44

I totally disagree with the health visitor. Making you feel like its something you've done is really unhelpful. Baby is only 3 weeks old they change constantly at that age!!
How old is your toddler? Can they go to nursery or is there anyone who can take them out for a couple of hours?
I wasn't a big sling person but it sounds luke it might help you. Bouncy chair is good too if baby is big enough. Do you think they could have reflux or an allergy? That will affect sleep and explain the wanting to be upright.
Hope you find a solution soon, but in the meantime be kind to yourself.

Sanch1 · 03/10/2019 13:49

My DD2 was like this. I carried her around in a sling, then I could get ton with cooking, cleaning, seeing to DD1 at the same time. She sleeps wonderfully now! You cant spoil a tiny newborn.

53rdWay · 03/10/2019 13:50

She is talking nonsense. If she associates sleep and feeling comfortable with you then it's because she was cosy inside you for 9 months, not because you picked her up a lot in the 3 weeks since she's been born! 'Created sleep issues' FFS.

Really recommend a sling, they're a lifesaver for unputdownable babies.

OkayGo · 03/10/2019 13:51

She’s talking absolute shit!

spiderlight · 03/10/2019 13:52

She's talking utter, utter rubbish. You can't 'spoil' a baby by holding it - look at the 'fourth trimester' concept. Babies instinctively need to be held, although some cope better than others with being put down. A stretchy wrap sling saved my sanity with my velcro baby and we eventually discovered that he would sleep in his Moses basket if I left the Dyson running right next to it (presumably reminded him of womb sounds, but a womb sounds CD didn't help - he needed the vibration). We also realised that he was cold. I was so obsessed with the overheating SIDS-risk guidelines that I'd gone too far the other way. Find a sling, try swaddling, but please don't listen to the HV's awful outdated advice!

Buyitinbamboo · 03/10/2019 13:54

Wow 3 weeks?! Thats so tiny, you could never have caused that! I'm shocked by her advice. I mean, you will have to put her down and let her deal with it sometimes, that's just life, but I wouldn't do it out of choice.

INeedNewShoes · 03/10/2019 13:55

That is very outdated advice. I did leave DD to cry for a minute or two sometimes if I was in the middle of something (single parent so sometimes I just had to get things done) but if she was distressed I would always comfort her.

I think the sling is an excellent suggestion as it means your newborn can be close to you whilst leaving you free to get on with other things. I was lucky because DD would fall asleep in the pram which I used as a downstairs cot for her but had this not been the case I wouldn't have hesitated to make regular use of the sling.

Having said that, DD was tiny and didn't seem quite right in the sling until around 8 weeks so if you do plan to make regular use of a carrier it might be worth going to a sling library to ensure safe positioning and your comfort.

PhilomenaButterfly · 03/10/2019 13:58

Shock The woman's mad. Leave a 3 week old to self soothe!

Quellium · 03/10/2019 14:03

Ignore, ignore, ignore. She's talking absolute bollocks. Do you even need to see this woman again? Probably not. Trust your instincts. This will definitely pass. 3 weeks is so tiny. They just want you and food.

bookwormsforever · 03/10/2019 14:11

She's bonkers. Awful advice!

Could your dd have colic? Sounds like a lot of crying for this age. Could she be in pain or does she sleep ok when you hold her?

PeppermintPatty10 · 03/10/2019 14:17

This HV is batshit! I can’t believe she is giving ‘advice’ like this. I feel sad for all the babies whose parents she has told this to Sad

firstimemamma · 03/10/2019 14:17

What everyone else said!

Your HV clearly has never heard of the 4th trimester. Ignore her awful advice!

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