HV told me to leave 3 week old to self soothe

[tiredtrumpet]

DD doesn't settle unless we are holding her. When we place her down in her Moses, in a bouncer or anywhere really she screams.
HV visited after a particularly rough night where I had been holding baby upright since 4am. I have a toddler so no napping during the day and I was explaining that I can't attend to my toddler at all because I can't put baby down.
I also had a cold when she visited so I was absolutely exhausted and just looking for a bit of advice/reassurance that this too shall pass.

She told me I have spoilt the baby because I have been holding her since she was born. The baby now "expects" to be held and when she is crying when I put her down she is merely protesting.
She said I have created sleep issues, and if I don't stop it, I will have a nightmare baby. When I asked about DD thinking I had a bonded her and also I stated that I did not want to do controlled crying at such a young age, she said it was backed up by science that babies brains are not developed enough to consider the possibility of being abandoned.

I understand the core of what she was saying, and that essentially I do just have to put the baby down and get on with other stuff, attend to toddler, make meals etc, such is life, but it's the fact that she said I had created sleep issues.

I'm worried out of my mind now that she won't ever sleep.

DH and I tried to put her in her Moses basket after her bath and she screamed and cried from 7pm-11pm. I didn't leave her, I kept picking her up and reassuring her, but she was distraught and so were we. We have tried to do it today and as a result she has barely slept.

I'm really not sure I should be following this advice at 3 weeks of age, but wanted to hear some experience of other parents?

She's wrong. No of course the baby doesn't have a concept of being abandoned, but they also don't have a concept of you being nearby but not exactly with them either. All they know is they are in a big, scary, bright, noisy, overwhelming place and when you're there it makes it a little bit better and more manageable. It's perfectly fine to hold her, and also babies have different temperaments. You couldn't have caused anything this early.

@tiredtrumpet i have a close caboo sling i can post you if you like? i dont need it (i have several that i lend out) x

Big hugs. I have a newborn and a toddler too, it’s so exhausting isn’t it?

I’m finding the sling a life saver, plus a friend lent me a vibrating chair that does on the odd occasion sooth the baby.

It’s stressful and the HV didn’t help you much at all. I find that sometimes I just have to bite the bullet and put the baby down so that I can play with toddler, make food, do washing, etc. So long as they are in a safe place they will be fine for a short time.

Do you have anyone to help or is nursery an option? My toddler goes three days a week and it gives me time to bond with the baby and sort my life out!!

Hang in there, you are doing great.

Your baby is only 3 weeks old!? You're 3 weeks post partum!
It is difficult in adjusting to a new baby when you already have a toddler but you will get into the swing of it. The HV is ridiculous with her advice and I agree with PP saying you should complain about that advice!
She will sleep in her Moses basket, and it feels like forever but she will settle if you keep popping her down but don't feel guilty about all the cuddles! They're not little for long!!

Terrible advice.

DC2 was asleep on either me or my husband for the first 12 weeks (we did shifts at night, watched a lot of telly! Then co spelt after a month). She is now the happiest most content baby ever, happily sleeps in her cot alone, happy left playing by herself while I see to dc1.

I’m convinced giving her exactly what she needed in those early weeks (contact with a parents heartbeat and warmth) has produced a very self confident, reassured baby.

Please give your baby what they need, in a few short weeks it’ll get easier.

Have you tried one of those automatic swings with a light show? Babies are just very hard work, people like to offer solutions (see above) but mostly you muddle through and their digestion settles - both of my babies worst in the dreadful 5pm to midnight range

Yet another thread about HVs given utterly useless ill-informed judging "advice" little better than old wives tales and superstition ...she'll be advising you to have ointments made from toads next...do they not have training and supevision?

As a registered nurse your HV was talking 100% BS. I've heard the same drivel from MIL and SIL

My toddler goes to nursery one day a week, and my DM also comes one day a week to help. So I will have time to bond with the baby. Just feel a bit lost at the moment with trying to attend to them both but I felt in my gut that what the HV said wasn't quite right.
I have read about the 4th trimester and completely agree! That's why I'm questioning the advice, I was really vulnerable and tired, she must of known that.

How much training does an HV get that’s specific to babies? It’s not more than a year - like any group of professionals you’re alway going to get some bad apples.

I'd put in a complaint , that's really damaging advice for a baby it's been proven to be detrimental to brain development to cry it out. Babies don't self sooth, they give up because no one comes.

I cant believe the health visitor would be so clueless about the 4th trimester. Your baby is very young and much too young to self soothe. Have you got a sling? My GC lived in a sling for several months and are now very secure, independent children.

I am horrified that a health visitor would say this. Babies' brains are forming connections from birth and the way they learn they are safe and secure is by consistent responses to their needs. Newborns learn from sensory input, ie warmth of touch and being held. This is basic attachment theory and health visitors ought to have this knowledge as standard. I echo others' comments about a sling. It was an absolute life saver for me when my DS was younger; hands-free, ability to move around and get jobs done, whilst he had the constant comfort and reassurance of being snuggled in.

I have twins. We held them a lot. One would cry to be put down and then go straight to sleep. He was sleeping 5 hours a stretch from day 7. I often think what a smug parent I'd have been if he'd been a singleton. His brother had to be rocked to sleep, woke at least two hourly.

Your baby is 3 weeks old. You haven't caused this

OP, the HV is talking bollocks. Outdated, unhelpful bollocks.

Admittedly I only have the one DC so I never had the dilemma of how to deal with toddler while newborn screamed HOWEVER my DC was a total Velcro baby, wouldn't be more than 1mm apart from me at all times (I'm barely exaggerating) and yes, would just scream and scream and scream when put down ANYWHERE, or when handed to someone else (even DH or my mum).

Admittedly, yes, she wasn't the greatest sleeper in the world but I didn't MAKE HER that way when she was so tiny. I fucked up a bit later when she was a much older baby by not quite getting on top of the feed/sleep thing, but that's a totally separate issue. She was 11 months by then. The first few months, honestly, she was just The Way She Was and I couldn't have done ANYTHING to spoil her, or make her different, or better, or change her in any way.

She's 6 now and, though she still wants to be close to me pretty much all the time (still Velcro child) she's also one of the most confident children in her year group, she knows how to be kind and considerate and thoughtful, and I honestly think some of that is because her needs were met when she was that tiny helpless newborn. She needed to be held constantly so within reason that's what I did (I was too knackered to fight her on it tbh!)

Of course, I had the luxury of only having the one to attend to so I'm not saying you should be holding your newborn CONSTANTLY, that's obviously unrealistic and you have your toddler's needs to balance too.

But STOP WORRYING that you have 'spoiled' your baby or that you have created a sleep problem, it's just such bollocks that you shouldn't waste a single moment of your limited time and energy thinking about it.

Congrats on your newborn!

Agree with PPs especially raspberryk, really concerning.

DD2 spent the first four months of her life wrapped to be in a sling all day so I could get on with life and attending to 3 yr old DD1. I can't imagine how I could have coped any other way. She's now a fiercely independent 2 yr old who sleeps really well.

Get a baby swing (and a sling). Ignore the HV and any talk of sleep associations.

3 weeks- fucking hell! I am one for routine, good sleep habits, sleep training etc but at 3 weeks a baby doesn’t know it’s a separate person from you. You cannot spoil a 3 week old. My second had horrid colic and Infacol made a difference for us (I know for lots of people it’s not enough).

@memememe thank you for the offer, but I've finally found my Caboo sling, tucked in away in the loft!

I will be using my sling now.
Last night I did what felt natural and had her on my chest in the evening and then put her down in her crib for a bit when she was sleepy and it just worked much better.

Now that I've got my head together a bit and read through the replies and brushed up again on the 4th trimester I can completely agree she's talking bollocks.

Unfortunately I do see quite a lot of her because I was very unwell with my first with PND and she is visiting every week to make sure I'm coping.

Oh bless you. Hoping the sling works well.

Sometimes you do need to get things done and that's not ideal but just how it is, but hopefully the sling will enable you to comfort the baby while also being available to your toddler.

We co-slept with ours because they were both nightmare sleepers. I didn't tackle it until DH and I were both ready and now we have primary school age children that do go to bed by themselves, sleep through etc. It hasn't meant they will never sleep, it just meant that we did what we needed to at that moment in time (which generally was to get everyone back to sleep as quickly as possible by any means!).

As I read on Facebook, babies aren't food and they can't spoil! Your HV is a moron.

In terms of experience, my 19 month old was a horrible sleeper at 3 weeks. He would stay awake and cluster feed from 6pm-3am most nights. Now he usually sleeps 8pm-6am with 1 or 2 wake ups; normal for his age. 3 weeks old is so tiny and I would be seriously flattered if a HV thought your 3 week old had the cognitive level being described here

Omg. Are you in south east london? I had similar advice in v similar circumstances, though with my first baby, at 10 days old. I also needed to teach baby that mummy’s milk shop shuts at night, apparently...

Anyway it eventually transpired my dd had tongue tie, triggering reflux and also meaning she was always starving.

Sling helped, and co sleeping, and getting tongue tie snipped. Same HV had told me no issues with feeding..