GP mentioned safeguarding

[Ludos]

I saw my GP this morning, my marriage has ended and I'm struggling. She asked lots of questions and I told her that my relationship with my husband has been difficult for a while, he has a bad temper, I suspect he's an alcoholic and he's been emotionally abusive. She's given me some pills, a number to call to arrange counselling, but at the end she said she has safeguarding concerns and wrote down the names of our children. I am now panicking about this- what will happen?

Please don't be worried! SS are there to help. Honestly they are. Depending on the set up at your SS department you may be called by a family support worker who will help you to make the best decisions for your DC and you. They REALLY know their stuff and are there to help and minimise the impact of your DH on your family.

Safeguarding is there to keep you safe OP.
Don't worry about safeguarding being in place. You can get help and support if and when you need it.

This could give you the backup you need if he suddenly decides 'Fuck it, I'm not leaving and you can't make me' - and could also be vital if he decides he wants to put you through a protracted court battle for residence and contact.

It is genuinely the best thing you have done. Well done on being so brave.

Thank you.

When put like that I feel better.

I feel like I've made a drama out of it. But that is just the conditioning I've had for the last few years I guess!

The counselling the GP has referred me to Is the freedom project. Has anyone heard of this?

It's absolutely perfect for you - your GP knows their stuff.

Perfect. The freedom project is about healthy relationships and spotting red flags.

Google it, it is a really good program

Ok, thank you.

She is a wonderful GP, this is just all new to me. I still feel like a fraud - he's never hit me. Just bad temper/moods. This feels like too much.

slipperywhensparticus

I did, and I'm having doubts

That is his influence giving you the doubts. You've already described somebody who has assaulted one of your children, drinks to excess and is somebody whose reaction you are scared of. Exactly the sort of person the Freedom Program will help you learn to protect yourself from.

Hi OP, having read through your post and the responses I just wanted to offer some insight. I work in the field of Domestic Abuse so deal with these situations and social care on a daily basis. Firstly as other posters have said the GP has followed her duty of care in terms of safeguarding, if she has identified that abuse in any form is happening in the home then a safeguarding referral would be put through to the local safeguarding team. When they receive that referral they will make a decision based on the level of risk posed to mainly the children but also yourself as to what action they take. In my experience as you have not disclosed physical abuse this risk will not be deemed as high ( although emotional abuse can be equally if not more as damaging to those experiencing it, including the children). The other issue that arises is the alcohol use you have described, this may be more concerning to social services. I think as a minimum you may expect to receive a phone call to check you and the children are safe and well and discuss your plans moving forward. If the children are deemed as being at high risk you can expect a visit from children's services where they will complete an initial assessment to decide what support can be put in place and if its necessary. In all honesty whilst there are procedures in place in my long experience the course of action often falls down to the individual social worker involved with the case.
Please do not panic though, as long as you are taking steps to keep your children and yourself safe social care can be a great source of support. There are lots of organizations who can support you in the community with your experiences, you can call the national domestic violence helpline to get details of services locally to you. They can also give you advice on your situation with your partner, contact with children moving forward and put you in touch with legal help if necessary.If you are ever fearful whilst in your own home please don't hesitate to call the police as an emergency to attend your property.
Also just to clarify the freedom program is a recovery program for those who have experienced domestic abuse, it covers different aspects of DA taking a look at how perpetrators behave, the tactics they use to abuse, what a healthy relationship should involve and how all of this has affected you as an individual. It is designed to help you recognize that you are not to blame for what you hav experienced. Whilst it is therapeutic in its nature it is not counseling in terms of you sitting in a room one to one with a therapist. Alongside the freedom program this may be something you want to consider also as it can be very beneficial, no doubt you will have a lot going through your mind at the moment and having someone there to help you through all of this can be priceless.
I hope you and your children remain safe and get the support you need! ( apologies for long post ! ) x

Thank you Llrmom.

The thing I can't get my head around is whether it's just that we dont get on any more I don't know what is normal when people fall out / break up. When does it tip into abuse?

I'm sure his version of how things have been could be seen as me abusing him? He would say I'm emotionally cut off and regularly withhold sex. That I'm controlling.

First of all well done for having the strength to speak to your GP. You hit the nail on the head in that yes, you probably have been conditioned to think things are your fault. Emotionally abusive partners are very good at this and often do so very discreetly over the years and break down your confidence. In my experience, as already mentioned, I think that there may be an initial contact made with you, but as he is leaving the home then you will possibly not go to an initial child protection conference, where the children go on a child protection plan. As already mentioned (unless there are further details, or he remains in the home) it will not meet the threshold as you are putting your own safeguarding measures in place. You say he has not been physically abusive but if you are scared of the repurcussiins then there must be a threat of this.
I think you have done the right thing and there are things that can be put into place to help you stay together as a family if you want that and your husband is receptive to the support (courses, alch support), but if they deem him to be a threat then there will be contact arrangements organised if the children want to see him. Every area is different but like someone mentioned there will be a record kept that DA has taken place (as a school nurse we receive this information daily and add it to young people's files), so that people are more aware of potential harm to you and the kids. Please do not see this as a negative as this will safeguard you as a family. As far as I can see you have done everything you can and have acted as a caring responsible mother. Well done for having the courage and I hope everything gets sorted x

I think the only person who really has that answer is you, has the relationship broken down because of the way he treats you or is he now treating you the way he does because the relationship has broken down? ( still not excusing any poor behaviour during the break up). Abusive relationships can be really difficult to identify due to their nature and the fact you may be used to being treated a particular way which normalizes it! Having a bad break up doenst always constitute abuse, however if there is a pattern of behavior that makes you feel in any way belittled, disrespected, fearful, like you are walking on eggshells and you cant predict his reactions/behaviour then Id say it is abusive. As someone said before whilst you say he has not been physical you are concerned about his reactions in this situation, I think its pretty safe to say that even if it was a particularly bad break up no one should have that fear if it was previously a healthy mutually respectful relationship. Let me also reassure you that if an assessment was completed by social care and they felt it was less of a DA situation and more of a relationship breakdown they often cease involvement( unless there are other issues which raise concern for the safety, health and wellbeing of your children) and leave issues with custody etc in the hands of the family courts. Either way they will be able to signpost you to the appropriate agencies to help. If you are unsure whether your relationship is abusive you can head to websites such as women's aid who give a really good overview of what an abusive relationship may be like. Hope that helps x

She will make a report to your local safeguarding hub based on her concerns. She has to after these disclosures and she told you which she is meant to do if there is no risk to the DC from doing so.
Social services will decide if the report meets their threshold to follow this up.

The Freedom Programme is amazing.

I had a bit of a similar reaction to you when I was told about it and then googled it. I actually turned up to the first week thinking "this doesn't apply to me, it's a mistake, I don't belong here, I'm not being abused I just make him angry sometimes". I really didn't understand why it had been recommended to me.

And then they did the introduction and basically described my life! Which was a bit of a shock.

It's info not counselling, so you don't have to talk if you don't want to. You don't have to say it's abuse (it's open to any woman), you don't even have to be ending the relationship.

All they want to do is share information with you so that you can weigh it up for yourself and decide what to do next. They won't tell you what to think or what to do.

So that self doubt and confusion and wondering if you've overreacted and made things sound worse than they are - it will help, either way.

Plus, it sets you up for the future as it teaches about healthy relationships and what to expect. Always useful.of

I would really encourage you to go and listen.

P.s. It's very common for abusive men to make accusations their target is the "controlling" one. Helps keep you too confused and ashamed to ask for help or leave.

As for "withholding sex"... You mean he doesn't like it when you say no and expect him to respect that? That you don't provide sexual services of his choosing on demand? That being abused doesn't make you want to have sex with him?

Nothing unreasonable or abusive about that.

Making you feel that saying no to sex is somehow abusive is fairly abhorrent on his part. It's not some service you are required to provide.

It sounds like he's really warped your sense of normal.

quincejamplease you have said a lot of things that make sense. Thank you for taking the time to post, I will call the freedom project on Monday x

Good luck for tomorrow x