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Original poster

Internet date... assumed sex.. 'feminists have sex too'

31 replies

Coldemort · 01/10/2019 18:06

Was torn between posting this on Feminist chat or AIBU so went for middle ground instead...

Have been chatting to a guy for a few days. A bit half-heartedly on my account (was dipping my toe in. Not sure I'm ready for dating yet - this may or may not be relevant). Anyway, all been fine, no sexual chat at all. He's an academic and on his profile he also lists 'feminist'. Great.

He asks me what I'm looking for. My response was 'long term eventually but until that comes along I'm happy meeting great people'. So roll on this morning and he asks if I'm free Friday. Confirm I am, where did he have in mind? Conversation as follows:
Him: 'Cofee then back to yours winky face'
Me: 'Ah ok. No I'm not up for that sorry'
Him 'Why not?'
Him: (later when I don't reply) 'I thought that's what you're looking for'
Me: 'Yes, I forgot 'looking to meet great people means 'I'll compromise my personal safety by inviting someone I've never met and have sex with them'. For a self confessed feminist that's an awful lot of male entitlement going on there. Sorry think we're at cross purposes here'.
Him: 'That was unnecessary and rude'
Him: 'Feminists have sex too'
Him: 'women often initiate such meetings with me are they entitled too?'

I'm not going to reply anymore. But I'm a bit :/
I can see I was a bit rude, but for heavans sake we had no sexual chat, nothing I said could possibly have led him to believe I was after a quick hook up other than 'meeting great people'. I just feel sick of men assuming coffee means sex. And the 'feminists have sex too' really has riled me.

Now creating a hundred imaginary replies in my head.

To be clear, this isn't about him. Bullet dodged and all that. It's the attitude / assumption which is so common even around educated 'feminist' men. He's a bit younger than me, but usually these guys are a bit more switched on.

Or I might just be having a really shit day :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Coldemort · 01/10/2019 18:08

Sorry should read

*inviting someone into my home Ive never met and have sex with them

OP posts:
Nuffaluff · 01/10/2019 18:10

I would always be wary if a man put ‘feminist’ in their bio. I think it’s a good sign they’re a twat.
My DH would never say he’s a feminist, and he’s a decent man who has a lot of ‘feminist’ political views.

OrchidInTheSun · 01/10/2019 18:13

You weren't remotely rude. He is clearly one of those men who interpret polite conversation as sexual interest.

Handy tip for you though: men who describe themselves as feminists are usually knobheads.

Original poster
Coldemort · 01/10/2019 18:13

Good point. Thought I'd weeded out all the 'twat flags' but will add to list :)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/10/2019 18:15

Men who call themselves "feminists" are usually complete dicks

Danglingmod · 01/10/2019 18:16

Agreed. My dh is actually a feminist (flawed, but aren't we all?) but he'd never describe himself as such.

BogglesGoggles · 01/10/2019 18:17

Of course feminists have sex, they also take no for answer instead of becoming argumentative.

BogglesGoggles · 01/10/2019 18:18

Also, if you are looking for a quick shag why would you bother with coffee? I’m not going to sit through coffee with someone I’m using to get off.

ClaudiaSchiffersUglySister · 01/10/2019 18:19

Oh god, what a dickhead.

Yeah I’d be VERY wary of any bloke who describes himself as a feminist.

It’s a pity you don’t want to meet him. Don’t you want to give him a chance to mansplain to you what feminism is while you give him a blowjob? You’re so ungrateful.

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/10/2019 18:21

People who actually are something (eg feminist) tend to have it as such an integral part of their personality that they don't even think it's worth a mention.

Like 'honest' 'loyal' or 'kind'. Anyone who thinks these are characteristics of note should be given a very wide berth.

BarbaraStrozzi · 01/10/2019 18:21

'Yes, I forgot 'looking to meet great people means 'I'll compromise my personal safety by inviting someone I've never met and have sex with them'. For a self confessed feminist that's an awful lot of male entitlement going on there. Sorry think we're at cross purposes here'.

The perfect riposte! He's pissed off because you completely pointed out what a tosser he was, in terms he couldn't pretend to misunderstand.

[High fives OP]

Original poster
Coldemort · 01/10/2019 18:23

And I don't even like coffee! Cracking evening I've missed out on there :)

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 01/10/2019 18:26

Handy tip - if a man puts feminist in his bio, he is not one.

Annasgirl · 01/10/2019 18:28

But OP, you are 100% right to question what is wrong with the world.

And he is so open, that meeting new people = having sex with randomers!!!! (colloquial term for people you do not know at all).

StateOfMind · 01/10/2019 18:29

It was a great response OP. It was neither unnecessary nor rude. You called him out on his twattery that’s all. Not really surprising he doesn’t like it.

Original poster
Coldemort · 01/10/2019 18:29

You're all giving me some great ideas to reply. Especially like the missing a great evening of having feminism mansplained to me whilst giving you a blowjob

steps away from the phone

OP posts:
Soola · 01/10/2019 18:29

So he’s only seen your profile and chatted to you but asked to go back to your place?

I’d have hired a transvestite sex work and sent him in my place.

Ronnie27 · 01/10/2019 18:32

Hmm. He asked what your intentions were and you didn’t say a relationship but you’re on a dating site looking to meet up so I would take that to mean you were after a hook up type thing too but we’re being polite about it. He’s obviously got the wrong idea but equally you’ve now insulted his —big— idea of himself by questioning his “feminist” credentials and the hurt male pride thing is coming out very strongly.

80sMum · 01/10/2019 18:32

50 years ago my mother used to say to me and my sister "remember, all men are only ever after one thing, whatever they might say." It looks like that still applies. A leopard doesn't change its spots!

Original poster
Coldemort · 01/10/2019 18:35

Looking through messages we talked about him handing in his PHD, Blackadder and books we were reading.

Obviously my low-brow Agatha Christie means I'm gagging for it :)

OP posts:
TheRattleBag · 01/10/2019 18:48

@Coldemort - maybe he got his hopes up when you mentioned Tommy and Tuppence Grin

formerbabe · 01/10/2019 18:51

What a wanker....

Original poster
Coldemort · 01/10/2019 19:12

@TheRattleBag it's actually Postern of Fate Grin you might be onto something...

OP posts:
Aoibhneas · 01/10/2019 19:17

You were certainly not rude, you sound intelligent and you have respect and dignity for yourself

ltk · 01/10/2019 19:35

Hmm. I think maybe your response was a bit rude. He suggests sex - but not crudely. You say no. He says he thought that's what you were after. To which you could have replied, No, not what I'm after. Bye. And thus ends that datechat. You both move on.

All he did was suggest sex on an dating app, after you said you were not after anything longterm. He wasn't abusive or pushy when you said no - just asked for clarification.

I think you have dodged a bullet, for sure, but you could have delivered a clear rejection without an insult.