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Original poster

What to buy for a dying relative

45 replies

BanKittenHeels · 27/09/2019 11:45

A male relative of mine has terminal cancer and has around 4 months to live. Within that time we have his birthday and Christmas.
I’m really struggling with ideas for what to get him and I certainly don’t want to leave him out or let either occasion go unmarked.

He is a difficult person to buy gifts for in general so this makes it even harder. I wondered if anyone who has been through this, has any insight into what to buy?

Here are a few things about him:

A man in his seventies.

Now very tired and confined to the house and almost always in bed. He sadly now has limited mobility after being a very active man.

Sentimental things would be very touching to him but I think they are the kind of thing that might upset or embarrass him and are certainly not the kind of thing we would have ever previously have given as a gift and I don’t want it to feel like “oh well, you’re dying now, so we have to give you a dying persons gift”.

He has little to no appetite, so food gifts aren’t suitable.

His attention span is sadly now nonexistent, so his previous love for reading has long gone out the window.

I think he would be upset by the idea of “pamper” gifts that are typical to give to sick people, such as hand creams, massage oils etc.

Previous things he loved, to give you a flavour of him:
Comedy
Football
Good wine (but he has a lot of wine, so there is little point us buying him more)
Country walks
Political history
Geography

If any of you have been through this terrible time, I would really appreciate any advice you might have.

OP posts:
Thrupennybrit · 27/09/2019 11:47

Audio books

Teddybear45 · 27/09/2019 11:47

Why not get him a DVD boxset of comedy classics?

OneThreadOnly0101 · 27/09/2019 11:48

Would audio books work? If so, maybe some kind of Alexa device and an audible subscription (I have neither).

eosmum · 27/09/2019 11:49

An Alexa, we got my mum one so she could ask it to play the radio, read a book, check a fact, tell the time and reminder to take medications.

Isadora2007 · 27/09/2019 11:49

Could you ask him? You could say you were thinking of a charity donation
And would he like to choose a preferred charity? Planting trees in his name?
Something linked to his favourite football team- like supporting youth development?

AmIThough · 27/09/2019 11:50

What would you normally buy him?
Don't think about the fact he only has months to live - he's still alive for now!

An Alexa is a good suggestion. You can play quizzes with them too.

Sorry that he's unwell OP Flowers

Starface · 27/09/2019 11:51

A photo mug. Although he may not eat much he probably still drinks and can enjoy looking at the pictures every time. Photos of you and you with him.

MrsCasares · 27/09/2019 11:52

Is his bed downstairs near a window? Maybe a bird table so he could watch the comings and goings of birds. Very relaxing and takes no concentration.

saraclara · 27/09/2019 11:53

When my late husband was dying, the presents he got included DVDs, good headphones, some of his photos (he liked photography) printed and framed to go on the wall of the room he was soon confined to, and some audio books. Specialist deli standard foods, jams and condiments to encourage his appetite, and, of course, chocolate. As a family we were given a big hamper of lovely food by my colleagues, which went down very well with all of us!

If I think of any more, I'll come back to the thread.

RubbingHimSourly · 27/09/2019 11:55

You can hire all terrain wheelchairs with guides to access the lakes etc. Would something like that be possible before he gets too ill ?? I know when my mum found out she was terminal being outside and making the most of her last days was really important to her. Even a drive to a beach with a bag of chips and a bottle of wine could mean a lot to him.

flamingjune123 · 27/09/2019 12:10

I know you said he has a reduced appetite but a selection of toffee, fudge or just general boiled sweets are often easier to eat, particularly that age group

Kernowgal · 27/09/2019 12:16

Flamingjune - yes! My mum absolutely loved receiving a bag of Werther's when she was really poorly - she often couldn't eat much because of a very sore mouth but she could cope with Werther's and the flavour was comforting too.

CandlesAreHere · 27/09/2019 12:16

What about crossword, sudoku, puzzle books?

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 27/09/2019 12:18

This Is Going To Hurt is an excellent and very, very funny book by Adam Kay. The thing about it is that it's essentially a collection of anecdotes, no more than about two pages in length (many are less than a page) which could be read in any order, so if he's able to read a short newspaper article he'll be able to read This Is Going To Hurt.

Perhaps a particularly nice blanket or cushion?

loutypips · 27/09/2019 14:29

I know you said not foo, but how about sweets and chocolates? That was one thing that my Nan continued eating when she had cancer.

Rosere · 27/09/2019 14:46

An alexa sounds great. I was going to say a subscription to a podcast or audio books if he likes history.
I second some sweets. A good friend of mine loved the fizzy percy pigs when he was dying. They helped take the taste he had from his treatment and medication away. His mum has always kept a packet in the house nearly 20 years later because she loved that they made him happy (and equally curse me for the dizziness) I smile every time I see a packet.

Rosere · 27/09/2019 14:47

Fizziness not dizziness

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/09/2019 14:50

Audiobooks are much easier when you struggle to concentrate.

How comfortable is he? Extra nice socks, blankets and pyjamas may be appreciated by someone not able to get out of bed.

MarigoldGlove · 27/09/2019 14:51

My dd listens to her audible audio books on her Alexa. She just has to say ‘Alexa play Harry Potter’ and it’s on, like magic.

Starstruck2020 · 27/09/2019 14:55

A nice soft silky pillowcase or pair of pyjamas?

peony2325 · 27/09/2019 15:01

How about a nice soft blanket? Even if they have lots already it's nice to be able to change them around if always stuck in bed and will provide some comfort and warmth.

peony2325 · 27/09/2019 15:04

Also if he's able to drink alcohol (you mentioned he likes wine) how about some good whiskey or other spirits? My grandma liked that in her last months and it was something she could offer to visitors.

PatrickMerricksGoshawk · 27/09/2019 15:07

A playlist of music that he likes?

Orangepear · 27/09/2019 15:08

Football socks! Everyone needs socks.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 27/09/2019 15:17

Cashmere scarf was what I bought my df for the Christmas before he died. He had lung cancer and was always cold. The scarf went everywhere with him in those last months and then when he died, it went to my Grandmother who treasured it.