What to buy for a dying relative

[BanKittenHeels]

A male relative of mine has terminal cancer and has around 4 months to live. Within that time we have his birthday and Christmas.
I’m really struggling with ideas for what to get him and I certainly don’t want to leave him out or let either occasion go unmarked.

He is a difficult person to buy gifts for in general so this makes it even harder. I wondered if anyone who has been through this, has any insight into what to buy?

Here are a few things about him:

A man in his seventies.

Now very tired and confined to the house and almost always in bed. He sadly now has limited mobility after being a very active man.

Sentimental things would be very touching to him but I think they are the kind of thing that might upset or embarrass him and are certainly not the kind of thing we would have ever previously have given as a gift and I don’t want it to feel like “oh well, you’re dying now, so we have to give you a dying persons gift”.

He has little to no appetite, so food gifts aren’t suitable.

His attention span is sadly now nonexistent, so his previous love for reading has long gone out the window.

I think he would be upset by the idea of “pamper” gifts that are typical to give to sick people, such as hand creams, massage oils etc.

Previous things he loved, to give you a flavour of him:
Comedy
Football
Good wine (but he has a lot of wine, so there is little point us buying him more)
Country walks
Political history
Geography

If any of you have been through this terrible time, I would really appreciate any advice you might have.

What about a memory book? I bought my parents both one to record all sorts of memories from childhood to share with my children. This might seem like a strange present but would give him something to do and ensures all of the memories you might forget to ask about are captured.

I bought my dad a bamboo pillow which he really liked. Being confined to bed and with near constant sweats meant that the pillow was really helpful in terms of comfort and taking moisture away. My dad loved the pillow so much and it even went in to the hospice with him. 💐💔

I'd be very cautious about the memory book, unless you're 100% sure he'd respond well. My daughter bought one that she wanted to give to her dad (and tactfully she bought one for me too). But even so, when she and I discussed it, we decided that it smacked far too much of 'you're going to die', and my husband was very much wanting life to go on as if nothing was happening.

We got mil a bound notebook and got children grand children family and friend to each write down their favourite memory of her. She would read a little of it each day and it was greatly cherished

A picture he likes of his family or him and loved ones but made into a canvas. Hang it where he can see it. Speaking from 2 experiences my now departed loved one's adored the ones we did.

Kindle fire, both for the audio books but also for reading. I know you said he's not up to reading but does that mean all reading or just books because the print is too small? With the Kindle, the font can be enlarged to just a few words on a page making it easier.

for you, for being so thoughtful

Something to keep warm. People who are dying get very cold. When my mil was dying we bought her a lovely warm soft bed jacket from John Lewis. She had it on almost all the time.

I wouldn’t buy anything. There is nothing to celebrate. There is pain, only pain. I’m having a similar issue with my grandfather, late eighties, his birthday is coming up but I don’t think he’ll make it. He hardly eats, has difficulties swallowing and just sits there basically. His mind is okay; but he can’t focus on anything because of the pain. I think the best thing you can do is visit him on a regular basis.

The whole situation is quite surreal. Originally, he pretended there was no problem. He only, begrudgingly and after a lot of insistence from my grandmother, searched medical help when he was no longer able to button his trousers without excessive pain (tbf he remedied that by cutting holes in his trousers). The doctors immediately said that his problem probably had been long going; so he had just avoided going to the doctor (as he did during his entire life). Nothing they could do. He also doesn’t want any further medical assistance. He actually asked the visiting GP why he was there. Again in line with his previous behaviour since he has always refused painkillers etc… The only medication he is on is for his cholesterol. Fair enough I suppose.

Have to say I’m not really enjoying the ‘spectacle’ of seeing him in pain. Been like this since around March and it’s gotten progressively worse. I visit every day: I sit, read, work and we talk. No mention of him dying- everyday topics. We pretend nothing is happening. Very surreal. I’d like to thank him for all he’s done for me etc, but we don’t do that for whatever weird reason.

An Aroma diffuser.
Few drops of oil, plug in & lovely smells.
You could get things like pine to bring the outdoors in.
Or lavender or other flowers if he likes them.
Lemon if he prefers that.
Some of them change colour too which can be quite relaxing.

Some really lovely suggestions here 💖 I used to work in a hospice, and our holistic therapist was always in demand. Maybe he'd like a nice message? Absolutely Talk with him about what he would like, perhaps there is something he's always wanted to do or experience? Or someone he has wanted to see? It's amazing what can be achieved even when someone is so unwell when the right support is there.

I wouldn’t buy anything. There is nothing to celebrate.

I'm really sorry that you're going through such a tough time at the moment. But every terminally ill person is not the same. Four months away from his death, my husband was still living life as close to normal as possible. And special days were just as important to him as they ever were. He wasn't past celebrating a birthday, so neither were we. His birthday was three weeks before his death. He was in a hospital bed in what had been our dining room, at that point. But we still celebrated his birthday, and he still got gifts and family visitors and enjoyed his day.

An indoor plant in a nice pot, the ones with rubbery leaves really help with adding freshness to a room. I bought a couple from our local garden centre recently, weren't expensive and cheer me up / make me feel the air in the room is fresher.
And some sweet treats.

With his interest in walking / political history - geography then perhaps he’d enjoy blu rays of the Levison Wood ‘Walking the...’ series? Or audiobooks of the books? I have very similar interests to your relative and love them for the combination of adventure with politics. Simon Reeve is also great for that.

If he likes football and comedy then I’d highly recommend David Squires, who creates cutting and hilarious football based cartoons for The Guardian. He has a book of his cartoons www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07GQDXR58/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21

A plug in heated blanket. I lost my fil to cancer and towards the end he was always cold. We bought him one for Christmas and he spent a lot of time snuggled in it

Gosh some really lovely ideas and I’m really very appreciative of all you posters who have shared your sad experiences and who are going through it currently. It’s such a difficult time.

What would you normally buy him?
We would normally buy football tickets, books (so many books!) and holiday vouchers.
He sadly is unable to travel far, he travels to a hospice once a week for a bath and foot massage and that is enough to land him in bed for a good 36 hours. So as much as a lovely trip to the Lakes or similar would really suit him at the moment I think it would do him more harm than good.

I think an Alexa and an Audible account might be a lovely idea. And so very many other ideas are spot on too.
I might knit him a soft scarf, I could probably do one quite quickly so he will have it with the changing weather.

I bought my terminally ill mother a soft blanket with a teddy fleece back, it was in cheerful colours and kept her warm and stroking it gave her great comfort. My stepfather used it as a bedspread afterwards and I think it helped him too. It was from Marks and Spencer. Such a difficult time and so hard to choose anything.

Buy a bit of time to see him if you can. That is most appreciated by those who are ill, but only short visits, that is my experience in these things anyway.

If you cannot visit, I would echo the comforting things like a nice fleece blanket, and so on. Anything that will make his suffering easier.

I am a veteran now sadly having seen numerous close relatives deal with terminal illness. It is not material things they want, but your presence. That way they know they have connections to the present.

I do understand that not everyone can do this, so as I said above, a comfort blanket is a good idea. (suggested by another kind poster).

saraclara I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to generalize.

Buy a bit of time to see him if you can. That is most appreciated by those who are ill, but only short visits, that is my experience in these things anyway.

I feel this is the best suggestion in the entire thread.

Bamboo socks. So soft to wear, and manage to keep your feet both cool and warm when needed

Lovely suggestions and I particularly like
the watching birds out of the window ( if poss )

light changing diffuser ( tho be aware that the aroma might forever be associated with this hard time for those close to him and bring back unhappy memories )

a lovely scarf - v hard to keep that bit of you warm when in bed

pillows ! bamboo sounds excellent and IME micro fleece covered half roll memory foam are a god send when in bed ,behind head ,under knees ,propping up at side as just the right size and density .

Sympathies to you and others going through this .I'm so sorry .