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Original poster

How can I convince her to take my money?

33 replies

LittleLostThing · 26/09/2019 19:11

My dsis is ridiculously stressed at the moment - dh has a nervous breakdown and currently can’t work or look after their dd, dsis works full time and is constantly just running around doing stuff and trying to fix everyone. I live on the other side of the country so I can’t help physically very much.

She’s just been on the phone to me absolutely sobbing - her dh is now on statutory sick pay and she’s maxed out all her credit cards paying the mortgage and nursery fees. She can’t talk to her dh about money as it’s likely to affect his mental health and he’s attempted suicide twice already this year. She made it clear when she was telling me this that she didn’t want my money, wouldn’t accept my money if I offered and that she was just telling me as she needed someone to talk to.

I know people are going to think this is a stealth brag but I have money. I could transfer her 10k tomorrow and it wouldn’t affect my spending at all. I wouldn’t need it or want it back and dsis knows this. She lent me money in the past when I needed it and I don’t know why it’s such a sticking point to her. If I send her a cheque she wouldn’t cash it (don’t actually know if I’ve still got a cheque book come to think of it) and I don’t know her bank details to transfer her money. I’m genuinely considering just posting her a load of cash in an envelope.

It’s shit. I hate knowing that my wonderful dsis is so stressed about something she doesn’t need to be. She’s got an incredibly prestigious (although shit paying) job that she worked for years to get and she can’t afford to pay nursery fees. I bloody hate this country sometimes.

OP posts:
onyourway · 26/09/2019 19:13

Would she take it via your parents, do you think?

JohnLapsleyParlabane · 26/09/2019 19:14

You couldn't get in touch with the nursery and pay them directly could you?

Original poster
LittleLostThing · 26/09/2019 19:15

I’ve been sworn to secrecy about it. She’d be devastated if I told our parents, they don’t even know about her dh’s suicide attempts.

OP posts:
loutypips · 26/09/2019 19:16

Can I be your sister? Wink

Maybe if you say it's a loan that she can pay back when she's in a better position? And then it's up to you if you take anything from her. Pride is probably preventing her from taking it.

stucknoue · 26/09/2019 19:17

Can you go and visit her, a hug willbe worth £10K often. Whilst there you can persuade her to take the money or let you pay off her cards/nursery debts/whatever

CarWreck · 26/09/2019 19:18

Offer, leave it with her. She might come round to the idea. Or say you'll pay the next mortgage payment so it looks like just one thing.

tectonicplates · 26/09/2019 19:19

Maybe she wouldn't take 10k, but would she take 1k? It sounds less overwhelming. How much money would she actually need just to make ends meet?

flashingbeacon · 26/09/2019 19:21

Could you just sort of tell her in a sisterly way? “I have x£ ready to transfer so give me your bank details and we can sort out repayments the next time I see you. Your my sister and I love you and this is how I’m helping you?”
That way she’s not asking or accepting when you offer?

LaDameAuxLicornes · 26/09/2019 19:22

Would she accept it as a gift from you to your nieces and nephews, rather than for her and her DH? She could then use it for their nursery fees and general living costs. Might be easier to get her to accept it if you have no DCs yourself (?), but even if you do it's worth a shot (assuming you are absolutely and totally sure that you will never need the money again under any circumstances, especially if you do in fact have DCs of your own - otherwise I wouldn't do it as too much potential for upset further down the line).

Soontobe60 · 26/09/2019 19:24

I'd sell it as a long term loan too.
Tell her that as soon as DH is back to work she can set up a direct de it t o replay you.

boomboom1234 · 26/09/2019 19:24

I would definitely say it's a loan even if you don't actually want it back so she feels better about it. Remind her she has helped you and that you know she would do the same in return.

Rainbowqueeen · 26/09/2019 19:25

I’d offer it as a loan, reminding her of when she loaned you money in the past and how you would like to do this on recognition of how much that helped you at the time and you’d like to follow her example. Maybe gently remind her that for the sake of her DD she needs to look after her own mental health and this will help her with that
Best wishes to get, it sounds really hard

Ohbuggerlugs · 26/09/2019 19:26

Well done for being such a wonderful sister. Please try and go and see her and make her take the money OR alternatively pay the nursery directly “this is a present for my DN Dsis” I feel for her I really do.

TwattingDog · 26/09/2019 19:26

Just send it. Even £5k. Ask your parents if they have her bank details, say its to send some money for a gift for the kids or something.

Once she has it, it will be harder to send back.

Make it clear it's a gift (if it is) and not a loan, no strings etc except you want her to be less stressed.

Don't send by PayPal, as they will hold it in suspension until money laundering Regs have been satisfied - I had that last year!

Bobthefishermanswife · 26/09/2019 19:27

I think going to visit her is a good idea, if you're able.
Talk her into taking you to the bank/building society that hold the mortgage and pay some of it off?
Contact the nursary direct and see if you can make a payment.

Sometimes it's easier to swallow a payment than it is to accept cash, so try that way?

MoltonSilver · 26/09/2019 19:27

I think you need to go see her face to face.

Original poster
LittleLostThing · 26/09/2019 20:01

I think you’re right, I definitely need to see her face to face. Hopefully she’d be less likely to misinterpret stuff then. I did try and bring it up a few times on the phone but she just cut me off saying that she wasn’t asking me for money and she just needed someone to listen. Which I do understand but even better than listening I can actually remove the stressful situation.

I’m not sure exactly how much money it is. She’s always been very careful with money so I can’t imagine it’s a lot, she didn’t even ever have a credit card or an overdraft until a year ago. Which makes me feel really guilty as she’s always been good with money, worked really bloody hard to get a good job and she’s broke. I’ve never looked after money, dropped out of uni but then married dh who then made a shit load of money through mostly luck rather than hard work.

OP posts:
MaverlousMo · 26/09/2019 20:16

Yes visiting is a good idea, will you be able to make a payment directly to nursery for fees, not sure if that’s possible and say its an early xmas present?

Original poster
LittleLostThing · 26/09/2019 20:41

I’m not sure about paying the nursery direct. I’ll phone them up tomorrow and see if I can. I’d have to make sure they didn’t know dsis was struggling or she’d kill me though.

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 26/09/2019 20:54

Encourage her to explore applying for any benefits her husband might be entitled too. He is clearly not very well at all and maybe able to claim esa (contributory based I believe is still available). And PIP. Which is not means tested.

It maybe she just needs some support to be financially independent. It's possible what you can offer may cover her costs for six months or so. But her husband may need longer to recover. If some benefits can support them to tick over the pressure will be better for both of them.

What a lovely sister you are

embarrassedabout · 26/09/2019 21:09

Does she have a PayPal account? I think you'd just need her email for that.

popehilarious · 26/09/2019 21:27

DON'T use paypal

embarrassedabout · 26/09/2019 21:30

@popehilarious how come?

popehilarious · 26/09/2019 21:36

Copying from a pp above:
Don't send by PayPal, as they will hold it in suspension until money laundering Regs have been satisfied - I had that last year!

SimpleAndPlanned · 26/09/2019 21:47

Can you just transfer if you have her details.

Defo give her it. Make her take it.