How can I convince her to take my money?

[LittleLostThing]

My dsis is ridiculously stressed at the moment - dh has a nervous breakdown and currently can’t work or look after their dd, dsis works full time and is constantly just running around doing stuff and trying to fix everyone. I live on the other side of the country so I can’t help physically very much.

She’s just been on the phone to me absolutely sobbing - her dh is now on statutory sick pay and she’s maxed out all her credit cards paying the mortgage and nursery fees. She can’t talk to her dh about money as it’s likely to affect his mental health and he’s attempted suicide twice already this year. She made it clear when she was telling me this that she didn’t want my money, wouldn’t accept my money if I offered and that she was just telling me as she needed someone to talk to.

I know people are going to think this is a stealth brag but I have money. I could transfer her 10k tomorrow and it wouldn’t affect my spending at all. I wouldn’t need it or want it back and dsis knows this. She lent me money in the past when I needed it and I don’t know why it’s such a sticking point to her. If I send her a cheque she wouldn’t cash it (don’t actually know if I’ve still got a cheque book come to think of it) and I don’t know her bank details to transfer her money. I’m genuinely considering just posting her a load of cash in an envelope.

It’s shit. I hate knowing that my wonderful dsis is so stressed about something she doesn’t need to be. She’s got an incredibly prestigious (although shit paying) job that she worked for years to get and she can’t afford to pay nursery fees. I bloody hate this country sometimes.

The last thing you want to do is put her off talking to you as it sounds like she needs a shoulder at the min, by offering money you risk her not opening up to you as she may think you think she’s begging.
What about getting her a gift card for a supermarket so at least she doesn’t need to be stressed about shopping for a while, you could do 5x£100 cards to start with, if you’ve already bought them then she couldn’t really refuse, or you could say you or DH got them as an incentive payment from work.

I think staying nearby for a week or two would help as well, jst to take the strain off her for a while, you could then hide some money in the house for her to find after you’ve gone, again if you left cash then she couldn’t really refuse it.

Another though is that who do you bank with, some banks you can do transfers with jst a phone number, I have Halifax and NatWest accounts and can do that with both.

I’m in a situation atm where money is an issue and it’s so consuming so I really feel for her, with her DHs problem as well she must be feeling overwhelmed.

Could you initially send her a Sainsbury’s voucher for XXX amount and then bring the loan up in a month or so.

And yes this country is shit sometimes! Nursery fees are a killer, I’m counting down my last 12 months of nursery fees, it will be replaced though with two lots of wraparound school care

Call/text her back. Say you know she wasn't asking for money, but you are so far away that you can't give her the cuddle you'd like to so instead would she just let you throw some money at the problem and pay the nursery fees for a few months. Tell her you'll sort it out with them directly tomorrow.

grambler thanks, that’s a perfect message.

simple I don’t know her account details or I’d have already sent it.

definitely and hotchoc a gift card is a good idea - I’ll get a couple in the post and say if she really doesn’t want them then to use them to buy something for dn.

I’m not sure what the situation is with regards benefits. I know her dh has been off work most of the year, has attempted suicide twice and is still waiting for his first counselling session . He’s got a note from the doctor signing him off sick but I don’t know if he’d be up to jumping through all the hoops that PIP requires. It’s such a shit situation and it’s not fair that it’s happening to my dsis. She is genuinely the loveliest person in the world, she has so many people that turn to her for help and advice when they’re in trouble and it’s just not bloody fair. I wish she’d stop being so bloody daft about money and let me help with the one thing I actually can do.

Would she accept if you offered to pay for counselling for her DH, that may help her on a practical level

That's kind. I think you should, she will appreciate it in the long run.

I’m not sure about paying the nursery direct. I’ll phone them up tomorrow and see if I can. I’d have to make sure they didn’t know dsis was struggling or she’d kill me though

You wouldn't have to tell the nursery the reason. I've worked in school admin , and have had family members pay for a term's fees or whatever. All you'd have to say is that you want to pay the fees for the child, and send the money. They don't ask for reasons, they will just be happy to take your money.