How to support dd with low level nasty behaviour from friends

[babyblackbird]

Dd just started yr 10. Thoroughly happy year 9 - no issues. She moved from a prep school to the upper school in the same school. She only joined the prep school in year 7 so relatively new in social circles but v happy. Year 9 was a big shake up of children with lots of new children joining , but all good.

She was in a tight friendship group of mainly 3 with others as part of a larger group. Overnight since starting back in Sept she has been totally and utterly shunned by one of her best friends in the group of 3. This girl seems to have also influenced all others around her to shun her too so that she now spends most of her day alone or if she does manage to catch up with the others around the school she is made to feel so uncomfortable that she is thoroughly miserable.

She has tried speaking to girl concerned to be told there is no issue. I have raised issue with school who are " keen to nip it in the bud" and had noticed she was no longer her with her usual friends. School spoken to my dd and the ringleader today. Ringleader has said she had no idea dd felt like this ( bollocks) and would speak to dd. Dd texted girl tonight to suggest clearing the air and was met with silence.

What upsets me most is that all her other "friends" are also shunning her, even a girl we took on holiday with us this summer.

I don't know what to advise dd. Obviously her so called " friends" are not sticking up for her - she thinks this is because they are intimidated by girl and worry they may be next. One girl in the same house as my dd left late last term and I am now wondering if she was the victim of the same treatment.

It has brought me to tears tonight because I just don't know what to say to her or how to help.

Has anyone got any words of wisdom. I've done all the sympathy - you need to surround yourself with kind people etc but it's easy saying these things but in reality what does she do or does she just have to learn not to give a shit ? Sorry wittering now because so upset for her.

My DD is in Y10, I really don't get so closely involved in friendship issues. Support your daughter and be available to talk to, but for goodness sake don't get involved in the he said she said stuff.

That's really difficult @babyblackbird

I hate to admit me and a few of my friends were like the 'friends' you describe (until one of my friends screwed me over and thankfully I've humbled myself).

The thing is, if you get them in trouble, they'll resent your daughter more and call her a snitch, teachers pet etc.

If possible, get her into a new group of friends. But the trouble with this is how many other girls are there that she'd get along with? Isn't hard to enter a new group and the others may start gossiping. Hopefully not though, they may also try and earn back her friendship when they realise she doesn't need them.

Good luck to your DD

Sounds really tough OP, so horrible seeing them upset like this.. this 'friend' sounds like a nasty little cow.
Are there any others outside of the group that your daughter really likes/ gets on with? Could you try inviting holiday friend over?

I had a group dynamic like that, one of my oldest friends had a habit of ostracising one of us at a time ... it’s pretty awful to be honest .... if you spoke to the one being picked on it was your turn for the next few weeks ... ( not my friend anymore )
If it helps by the end I was the only one speaking to her in year 11

You see she was also being bullied and was depressed I knew this I had known her since play school and was loyal ( anyhow she turned out to be a shitty friend regardless )

After a few months I would talk to any of the group and just suffer the consequences figured it was my turn at some point anyhow 😂

The other girls are scared it’s an incredible power to freeze someone out.

I joined a drama group, made new friends so I wasn’t reliant on the main group , did extra activities ran the school
Library ... did charity events not saying it didn’t used to make me feel awful because it did but it did make me stronger and more independent and made me go out of my comfort zone.

I was part of the studious kids group it was a popular mean girls situation just turned out we all have the potential to be mean.

I do feel for your daughter x x

I am usually very hands off when it comes to friendship issues - this is the first time I have ever involved school and mainly because housemistress is keen to keep a happy ship and has said she wants to know if girls unhappy.

There is literally only one other girl who has not got involved and dd is with her for quite a few lessons so I will try and encourage that. Will also try and invite holiday friend although eg this weekend they have all ( except dd) been invited to another girls house - something that dd would always have gone to before.

She is supposed to be going off on a d of e expedition with these girls soon and it is a worry. I just don't understand why things have changed literally overnight - just so sad for dd especially as there is v little I can do and ultimately what worries me is there is v little school can do about this too. I appreciated some it seems petty low level stuff but it's this sort of stuff that can escalate and have a major impact on a child.

Feel like I am getting it all wrong

It wasn’t a popular mean girls situation I meant to say it was geeks mean girls ... anyhow turned out I could hang fine with some of the popular kids I was well
Liked 😉

I lost my entire friendgroup in year 11. It still hurts 21 Yeats later but I'm over it for the most part. But for years it haunted me.

I didn't have anyone to talk to, not at school or at home, so it's good your DD has spoken with you about it and let you in to try and help her.

I wish I'd had the sense and ability and drive to plough myself into my studies then, the way I did when I returned to uni a few years ago. Work is so much easier without the distractions. But it's isolating and at your DDs age it's really important to have if not a full social circle then at least one or two friends to see every day.

If there's any clubs at school which she could attend in lunchbreaks, where she might meet other pupils more and forge new friendships with, then encourage this. I don't know how much the school will actively do but there might not be any going back to the way things were before, with her friends.

If this girl was victimising someone else, and they left, I'd be wondering if she's turned on your DD because she's lost out on her outlet for all her nastiness.

I think you are right to speak to school (I'm a secondary school trained teacher) the school will hopefully be more aware of the situation than they are likely to let on and hopefully, even if not magically transforming the mean girl into something more palatable, will be able to facilitate your daughter making new friends whilst ensuring there isn't bullying taking place. Keep taking to them but unfortunately magic wands don't exist.
In terms of how you address this with your daughter, as others have said a kind listening ear, making sure home is a safe space, if she's had a tough day, her favourite supper, warm relaxing bath (Or whatever she likes to do to chill out) I would also encourage the notion that she can't change other people's attitudes but it's good to see them for what they are, mean girls are mean and she probably wouldn't want to be like them. She probably has a stronger set of beliefs and this is why they find her difficult to manipulate, eg they know she wouldn't go along with the bullying. Perhaps encourage her to find activities outside of school that's she enjoys to widen her social group, volunteering is a great way to start, maybe helping at beavers, brownies, helping walk an elderly persons pet (cinnamon trust?)

I am so sorry- your poor dd. My dd (also year 10) has just experienced an almost identical situation and it’s heartbreaking. She has just started hanging out with another group she has friends in and is feeling better about things (although still devastated about the loss of the 3 best friends). In dd’s case there was no rhyme nor reason to the ostracising.

Encourage your dd to spend time with others - these girls are not her friends as this is not the way you treat a friend.

I am so sorry to hear this and you were absolutely right to get involved.

I agree encourage lunch time and after school clubs and new friendships.

It's a horrible situation, girls can be awful.

And keep school informed. They may think it's settled down if they don't hear from you again.

What a horrible situation for your dd. It does sound as though girl 1 has decided she no longer wants to be friends with dd (for whatever reason - probably not much point in trying to work out what it is), and even if that could be retrieved, it might well happen again in a few weeks/months. So the objective advice would be to try to make new friends outside the group (s) - is there anyone at all who dd is friendly/acquainted with who is outside all this, who she could possibly get friendlier with?

PP suggesting that dd joins new clubs/societies in and out of school - good idea, and even if she doesn't make new friends at least it will occupy her lunchtimes so she doesn't have to be alone.

The 'no of course nothing's wrong' does happen - very disorienting and confusing for the recipient.

Your poor DD - I sometimes worry this could happen to mine. It seems so prevalent on MN posts!

I had one tight friend through secondary and about 6-8 close friends; my counterpart was similar. I did get some stick from a random bully in Y12 and found showing I really didn’t give a shit (although to be fair, I didn’t really), as well as having the security of a strong friendship group outside of school, helped this girl give up her snide comments.

I would second getting her into clubs at lunchtime, also any outside like Scouts or places where she can be a ‘young leader’ and increase her confidence might help. If bullies aren’t affecting the victim they tend to get less of a hit from doing it. But saying that is easy and it’s so hard to shrug off at that age - and it might not work with every bully, they might go all out for a rise and hurt even more.

redcaryellowcar has some great advice. I have dds and I always encouraged outside interests for this very reason. I also moved two of them from a small independent to a much larger one which really helped. Small private single sex can be an absolute nightmare for girls friendships.

To be honest I'd call the school again. This is bullying and they should be taking action. I would expect them to speak to investigate bu speaking to each girl individually to find out what's going on. IRS not good enough to just speak to the main girl and accept her version of events when its continued. They need to know its unacceptable behaviour. In the meantime just keep talking to your daughter, tell her to get on with studies , this will pass and to try not to react to them .

Excuse typos.

"In dd’s case there was no rhyme nor reason to the ostracising."

So sorry to hear this has happened to so many - it can be crushing. I think it is sometimes more to do with group dynamics than anything the excludee has done/is. The group dynamic may just involve jostling for position, but the logical conclusion of it is often excluding one person because this strengthens the group bond for the rest (something like that).

Op, re the DoE can you ask the organiser to make sure dd is in a different tent, group, whatever?

Having a Dd in yr 11 and a Ds is yr 10 i know how hard these years are with regards to friendships. I honestly don't think there is anything you can do bar encouraging your Dd to try and move to a different friendship group.

You can't influence who wants to be her friend but you can influence how she handles it. I know it's very hard though when they're upset.

Thank you so much for all your replies - knowing that I am not overreacting is a huge help.

I have spoken to her about finding new friends which is obviously what needs to happen but she is reluctant because she still feels like these girls are her friends ( I know !). Unfortunately it seems that this friendship group has rather isolated her generally.

Will also suggest other clubs etc - she does need to find something for her skill for d of e. Trying to find stuff out of school is tricky as they have Saturday school ( its a boarding school but she is a day girl) so she really only has Sundays and she usually just wants to chill which I understand.

The house system at the school although amazing for so many reasons also exacerbates this type of situation as the house is the focus for all things. We have talked about possibly moving house but she doesn't want to as she doesn't know which other house she would want to move to.

I will keep talking to her and school. They are making all the right noises but ultimately they can't make girls be kind to each other.😢

That's true. But they can tell off for bullying.

Yes op I think it is very difficult at that age (at any age!) to accept that the group you thought were friends aren't really. The advice to make new friends makes good practical sense but doesn't help with the sadness of losing your friends. It is much harder at school as well, when they are together all the time. (And yes the house system may intensify that.)

Just wondering, rereading your first post, could girl 1 have felt upset that dd took another girl rather than her on holiday? Absolutely no excuse at all for reacting in the way she has, but these things are a minefield - if you take one, will the others feel 'oh she likes her more than me, why wasn't I invited''?

it does sound as though the school want to help and that is good. As another pp has said, go back to them if things don't improve or they may assume it's resolved. As for outside school, are there any evening activities - drama groups can often be weekday evenings?

Is it single sex?

@Trewser - no it's co-Ed and she does have friends amongst the boys.

I have wondered about whether taking one girl on holiday was the catalyst but that was actually returning an invitation that dd had had from earlier in the year. Dd didn't actually see ringleader over summer hols which I have also wondered may be reason but between being away , and ringleader living some distance away and was on various sports camps so they just didn't coincide. They talked loads though and even the night before school restarted they were excited about being reunited and then boom ....... she came out in floods of tears at the end of the first day back - something that has never happened before.

Ringleader has form for this with other girls but it has usually been for a specific reason rather than this completely out of the blue. Although I know the reasons are irrelevant really - just trying to work it out - if I am this confused by it I can only imagine how dd feels.

Don't overthink it. It's happened, it's sad. It's horrible but you need to concentrate on finding something for your dd to do in half term. Also ask her about school but perhaps dont ask about the friend for a couple of days.

Tbf, if the ringleader has been spoken to by teachers she is not going to want to text your dd. That will have finished off the relationship and she may have been advised by her own parent not to contact dd at all. That's what i would have done if i was mother of ringleader and school was involved.

Trewser you are right. Luckily, she has been invited to go and stay with some other for a couple of days at half term - one of them is the only other girl who hasn't got involved. Hopefully that will be a new beginning or at least a helpful distraction.