How to support dd with low level nasty behaviour from friends

[babyblackbird]

Dd just started yr 10. Thoroughly happy year 9 - no issues. She moved from a prep school to the upper school in the same school. She only joined the prep school in year 7 so relatively new in social circles but v happy. Year 9 was a big shake up of children with lots of new children joining , but all good.

She was in a tight friendship group of mainly 3 with others as part of a larger group. Overnight since starting back in Sept she has been totally and utterly shunned by one of her best friends in the group of 3. This girl seems to have also influenced all others around her to shun her too so that she now spends most of her day alone or if she does manage to catch up with the others around the school she is made to feel so uncomfortable that she is thoroughly miserable.

She has tried speaking to girl concerned to be told there is no issue. I have raised issue with school who are " keen to nip it in the bud" and had noticed she was no longer her with her usual friends. School spoken to my dd and the ringleader today. Ringleader has said she had no idea dd felt like this ( bollocks) and would speak to dd. Dd texted girl tonight to suggest clearing the air and was met with silence.

What upsets me most is that all her other "friends" are also shunning her, even a girl we took on holiday with us this summer.

I don't know what to advise dd. Obviously her so called " friends" are not sticking up for her - she thinks this is because they are intimidated by girl and worry they may be next. One girl in the same house as my dd left late last term and I am now wondering if she was the victim of the same treatment.

It has brought me to tears tonight because I just don't know what to say to her or how to help.

Has anyone got any words of wisdom. I've done all the sympathy - you need to surround yourself with kind people etc but it's easy saying these things but in reality what does she do or does she just have to learn not to give a shit ? Sorry wittering now because so upset for her.

They talked loads though and even the night before school restarted they were excited about being reunited and then boom

Gosh that is really weird - and so utterly confusing for your dd. And then the 'oh no of course nothing's wrong' just makes it even more confusing.

It does sound as though maybe dd and holiday girl were perhaps a bit closer, if dd also went away with her earlier this year, and maybe girl 1 felt excluded by that (was it a group of 3 or dd plus 3?). Could it be that girl 1 found out about this summer holiday on day 1 of term and was reacting to that? (NB I'm not excusing her behaviour, but just trying to think of a rational explanation - not that it really matters! Often there isn't one, it's just 'group behaviour' at work.)

I think it's very difficult for the dparents in this situation, as there isn't a huge amount that they can do, but it's saddening to see the dc so miserable. Encouraging dd to do other activities is one positive step - and also listening and being sympathetic to her sadness - which you're already doing! It is great that your dd can talk to you about these things as well.

That sounds really positive. Don't be surprised if ringleader comes crawling back once she sees dd happy without her!!

Soonerthanithought dd was in a three (ringleader plus one other girl in her house) . Holiday girl is ( or was) part of larger group of friends but not in same house as dd. Ringleader knew well before first day of term that we were taking other girl on hol.

Oh I see bbb, yes it proves that there's no point in looking for a rational explanation (I know you weren't btw - it was me!)

It's great that your dd has an invite for half term - that must have been a real boost, and maybe she can build on the friendship with the girl who's stayed out of all this? It is difficult that the 'small group 2' are in the same house - if things don't improve dd might want to discuss a move? When going well a house can be fine, when not - less so... Are there other girls in the house who she could pal up with, at least sit with in the pre-school sessions?

Many sympathies to you and dd - it can be awful to see your dd upset. I think the suddenness of this must be so upsetting - often there is 'warning' that someone is being gradually excluded, which doesn't make it better but does remove the surprise element! I have heard of this before - best buddies (including meeting up) during the holidays, then literal blanking on day 1 of the next term - but i think that is more common in the early days of secondary school when girls are still finding their friendship groups.

There’s a name for it - gangstering. Happened to me at same age. My friendship group of nice girls some of which I’m still friends with excluded me utterly suddenly for no reason. I was devastated it’s still one of the top 5 worst things I’ve gone through. I had other girls to have lunch with but not the same.

It passed and all was well. I think it’s a hideous stage of development. Encouraged my two girls who are abit younger to network like mad and keep friendly with lots of groups so they have an option if this happens to them. As a parent there’s little you can do. Didn’t even tell mine - remember crying myself to sleep.

Thank you everyone so much for your replies

. Dh away with work a lot so I don't have him around to talk stuff through with and although he is amazing and v practical about what needs to be done , he doesn't fully understand the dynamics of how teenage girls can operate and make you feel.

It really helps to hear people's views advice and experiences and most importantly to feel supported.

I think also in Y10 and more so in Y11, while it seems important at the time, I at least had a bit of helpful perspective that school was going to end soon and then I went to a sixth form college with only a small, and nice, crowd from school. Even if this isn't the case, a bit of perspective can be gained by talking about the future, and also stuff going on outside school. Always good too if they have different friends from out of school activities.