Getting zero respect at work

[Yeahsurewhatever]

I was promoted about a year ago to a management position.
In my industry there are a lot more men than women.
In my particular role or higher there are almost no women.
In my role almost everyone is at least 5 (normally 10+) years older than me.

I also look very very young.
And obviously I'm one of the newest to the position in my company.

I get absolutely no respect and my ideas, thought, instructions, requests whatever are just not listened to. I generally feel like I go into situations (like meetings, projects etc) quite chilled, knowing what I need to know, but working politely with people, to make a pleasant environment, but instead people see this as me not being in control of the environment and they try to take over and before I know it I'm in a power struggle, starting on the back foot.

My older male colleagues say I need to be bossier, and that I am too polite.
I see them with staff and I would not dream of speaking to people how they do. And yet, I find if I give a single clear instruction people comment about how bossy I am being.

From feedback from people that actually know me, I know I am good at my job, I am not disliked by other staff members, im just not commanding any sort of authority.

Does anyone have any advice on what you do, how you approach things, how you have earned respect etc from colleagues and how you deal with it when someone you manage is not doing their job - without everyone just thinking you're a 'bitch'
Because I obviously haven't got a clue.

Sorry for that essay there, I just wanted to be as clear as possible.

TLDR
No one respects me at work, it's like I'm not in control of the situation, even though I know what I'm doing and so they try to take over/don't listen to me.

Looking from advice on how to act and what to do instead.

Watch that amazing woman’s ted talk. fake it until you make it. Someone will be along who can remember her name.

Then act up to it.

There is a bit of performance involved I find. I am lucky in that I have always had a bit of a stalk so was able to look like I was striding purposefully about ready to trail people over the coals/corner them and talk intently with them?

Have a total lack of ability to accomplish anything of an team/department administrative nature ever.

Would your company support you to do an executive mba? They’re only useful in that everyone goes ‘she has an mba you know’ forever after when considering whether or not you can cope with some responsibility. It is a pain in the arse doing it, and in reality you will never have to calculate the price of a Japanese future / how many motorbikes the factory can optimally produce or whatever, but they’re a handy shortcut to being taken seriously.

Amy Cuddy Ted talk - fake it till you make it. I heard about this today

Yes! The very one.

Would work pay for a coach for you, or is there an industry mentoring scheme you could be part of?

You say you work politely with people to make a pleasant atmosphere.
Nothing wrong with that as such but it shouldn’t be your prime motivation or achievement
Also, you use the word “bossy” (or your Male colleagues do?). This word is used to describe women who are assertive, don’t worry about being thought bossy, especially if you are someone’s boss.
You also say that you don’t want people to think you are a bitch - do you think your male colleagues have the same concern? No, they don’t
You seem to be almost apologetic for your existence at work, don’t be, you have that job because you can do it and be good at it. If anyone tries to talk over you don’t let them - “ I was talking” if they ignore you push harder to be listened to. You can do all this politely but firmly
Decide whether being popular or thought of as nice is more important than being effective. You can actually be both but at the moment the first seems to be your focus.

From feedback from people that actually know me I know I am good at my job, I am not disliked by other staff members

You need to get feedback from the other people, the ones who don't know you, the ones who you think dislike you, who seem to disrespect you. You listened to the choir, now go talk to the congregation.

I’d start by being aware if your language - be firm and clear, don’t use ‘sorry’ or ‘if you could just’. Bossy is a crap word, drop it.

Pick people up on not paying attention to you, very firmly. Once you do it a few times it’ll get easier.

I agree with getting some coaching, it’ll make a difference. Find a mentor as well, look for someone in your industry who you admire and take notes.

Thank you everyone.
I'll have a look at the Ted talk.

Lljkk by the people who know me i mean my managers and the men who don't think that I'm 'bossy' enough like they are, rather than just my friends.

Bossy is so difficult because like you say men in my position are saying I'm not assertive enough
Whilst all the other men and women around say I'm 'bossy' literally after one instruction.

@Hoppinggreen what you say about being apologetic really rings true. I say sorry SO much at work. I'm trying to stop. But I find if I say it the work begrudgingly gets done...eventually.
If I don't say sorry I get disgruntled moaning, or people saying I am bossy, which I probably have to just accept. I've been trying to call it out when that happens.

I feel like there's literally no man going home and worrying about not having any authority at work, or being called a bitch, you're right.

I think part of me is clinging on to, if im a reasonable human being and polite and nice to people they'll just do their own jobs. Like adults. And like how I do. And I'll be there to manage the tasks, over see, assist if people get stuck etc.
That's how I prefer to be treated and I'm treating people the same way.

But actually I need to accept that for a lot of people, just actually doing the job they're paid to do isn't their plan for the day if they can get out of it / or if they're asked to do something by me and also someone who is more assertive, they're going to do the other person's task first.

I definitely need to confront the situation more, easier said than done though isn't it

I swear in the rest of my life I'm absolutely not a mug!

So be bossy, you're the boss. If you get told you're being bossy reply with "that's my prerogative because I AM the BOSS" .
You're a manager so manage, no need to pussy foot around you aren't at work to make friends.

I also think you need to realise that once you are a boss, there is a certain percentage of work people who just automatically rail against ‘the boss’. They WANT to do it, they want to have a litter around the kettle about how annoying xyz is. You’re out of the chorus and into the spotlight now. It can be really hard to make that transition, that you can never be at the back having an enjoyable mutter again, you have to be at the front outlining this year’s goals or whatever, while other people have a nice cosy mutter about you. Some of them will call you bossy. You have to start developing Teflon skin.

I found this all REALLY hard btw.

Not a litter! They’re not kittens! (I hope? If they are you have bigger problems than your perceived authority). They MUTTER.

To add, part of the issue I'm finding as well is the balance.
Without being too outing
There's a sort of freelance element to my employment status (normal in my industry)

So if I'm widely disliked - I risk not getting hired again on those projects.
But equally if I can't manage people no one will hire me as a manager

Who cares if they think you are bossy.? You are paid to make sure they do their job. Your bosses have told you to be more assertive. Big girls pants hoiked high
You can do this, don't let them take the piss

I wonder if you over-compensate for being/feeling too laid-back. There’s a sweet spot of assertiveness; I hated managing people, but I found it helped if I was clear about what needed doing, by who and by when, it made the job easier and the working relationships smoother.

I also agree strongly with @lljkk that feedback from people who don’t know or seemingly respect you could be very useful. I had to get work feedback from six people; I chose two people who knew me well, two who knew me less well but with whom I worked well, and two who I knew either didn’t like me, or didn’t like my way of working. Honestly, the feedback from the latter pair was the most surprising and useful. I also think that simply asking them (one of who was openly hostile to me at times) was beneficial for our working together.

Good luck.

I do think I may be over compensating.

About a year ago I had someone who I felt had done things that were basically sackable offences.
However it's hard to fill their position and so they were kept on.
I spoke to them and said I don't think x has been ok, X is what I'd like going forward, do you need any help to enable you to do that?

Simple.
They kicked off BIG TIME
Said that it was creating a hostile work environment, I shouldnt talk to them 'that way' and (this one conversation) was bullying.
I spoke to their boss and my boss who were both present. I also went to HR to resolve it as I would never want someone to feel that way and I truly didn't feel I had done anything unreasonable.
They said that nothing I had said was wrong. But that colleague was sensitive and so I could have softened the blow a bit.

I think I have over compensated from that as I don't want to actually upset anyone - or obviously get in trouble.

However, for context, my male colleagues regularly tell people that their work is total shit, they tell people to shut up and they openly tell other staff what each other are shit at
Eg if you ask Sarah to do X you need to be careful because she is shit at X and X and you will need to do it again.
I've even heard them talking openly about regretting hiring people / who should be fired / never hired again etc.

I agree it is so much easier said than done, I’m probably too far the other way and would benefit from some of your diplomacy but at the end of the day it’s about getting the job done while hopefully not pissing too many people off.
For example “ I don’t think x has been ok, x is what I would like going forward, do you need any help to enable you to do that?”
I would have said x was not right you need to do x going forward, let me know if that’s not going to be possible for you
This person kicked off when you tried to be nice so you might as well be more direct.

Hoppinggreen that WAS me being direct
And I was told it was too direct and I need to be nicer!
That's why I'm even more careful now

It's stupid, but it honestly feels great to hear what other people do, because then I can see I'm not being unreasonable and the meanest manager in the world!
Even when I was being 'direct' it still wasn't as direct as you and other people seem to be.

Its giving me more confidence to give instructions ...and not apologise for them.

I spoke to them and said I don't think x has been ok, X is what I'd like going forward, do you need any help to enable you to do that?

My take on this is that you weakened your position by using ‘I think’ and ‘I’d like’... assuming your position was correct, I would be more assertive, ‘x isn’t right/appropriate because xxx, y is what we need’ and then offer guidance if it’s needed. So it’s a matter of process and procedures, which couldn’t generally be challenged, rather than an opinion, which could.

That said, the other person’s response was inappropriate and entirely unprofessional; and I would be letting them know this, in no uncertain terms. Including at appraisal time.

You don’t have to be bossy or aggressive, but it sounds like you’re in a situation where you need to make it clear that you’re not a doormat or someone who’s prepared to be spoken to like that. And probably more than once.

Just seen your update; that was too direct? Sounds to me like there are some double standards at play here. It’s difficult, but you might need to challenge this at some point if you’re being held to a different standard to your equivalent colleagues.

I'm a female in a senior position, although suspect a bit older than you. It does sound like you're being too polite and perhaps need to learn a bit of assertiveness. Are there any courses that you could go on? My key to earning respect is 1) know your shit, 2) if you don't know, say you don't know but then go and find out 3) be assertive and say what you need, without being aggressive.

It maybe that it’s not really you that’s the issue but rather the company culture
I bet none of the men are told to “be nice”
However, I do feel that if you were more directive with that person maybe she wouldn’t have gone whining about it. She probably sensed your weakness and went for it. What was your response to her (not escalating I mean but directly to her). I probably would have said
“ I’m sorry if you feel I was being too harsh, however, you do need to do this correctly because if you don’t xyz and that will cause a bigger problem so I am actually trying to help you here. If you can think of a better way for me to give you instructions then I’m happy to hear it”

I said something to the effect of
I'm sorry you feel that way, I don't want you to feel that way at work, however what has been happening isn't working and we need to change things going forward
Do you feel that anything I've said is unfair or unreasonable?

She cried and left

Everyone snr felt sorry for her and said publically we shouldn't be so harsh on her, she is sensitive and 'doing her best'
But then individually, privately, agreed that she wasn't doing a good job.
No one else was willing to address it with her though.

No but you talked about her feelings a lot, you aren’t there to manage her feelings.
Unfortunately some people just like to turn on the waterworks as a diversionary tactic when challenged, which makes you look like the baddie! The best way to deal with it is not to care too much and realise that however nice you are they will react the same.
I would have asked the snr team what exactly you should have done differently? If they reply “ be nicer” push back and ask for specific examples of language you should have used instead.