Recently engaged should we tell the kids or ex first?

[Butteflyone1]

I've recently got engaged to DP who has three lovely DC. We're trying to work out is it better to tell DC first or should we tell the ex?

The DC should be unaffected as nothing fundamental will change in their lives but we know their Mum has a habit of making something out of nothing so we're just a bit worried about them.

Who is better to tell first the DC or their Mum?

It's not really her business, you say making something out of nothing, she may be worried about changes such as you potentially starting your own family with your DP and the affect this will have on her DC (including maintenance). If they were married a new marriage will change a few things for her legally (in the event of DP death). Discussion is very dependent on the relationship she and your DP have.

Depending on the ages of his DC I would tell them, likely it will get back to her.

Tell the children first. So if their mum does cause a big deal out of nothing, you will have already clarified the situation and put them at ease.

Tell the kids while they're with you so you can answer any questions and reassure them, then mention it to her in a casual way when you drop them off?

If you have the kids for a weekend/day, make a huge fuss and game if it on the day they go home. Once the dc know, text the ex something along the lines of

'Just so you are aware, me and X got engaged, we've told the dc who are really excited about it'

That's all. It's actually none of her business, but out of courtesy I'd tell her, plus when the dc go back to hers it's not a shock and she can act accordingly.

The children.

Make sure she hears from you/DP rather than the kids though. It might be her MO to make a fuss but she shouldn't find out through the kids.

How old are the kids? Does DFiance dro pthem off to Mom? I'd tell kids during contact time, then him tell her at drop off

Tell the kids first and then send her an email informing her (so she’s prepared).

It’s nothing to do with her but you don’t want it being a shock when the kids tell her and she causes a fuss.

This is how my OH did it (very acrimonious divorce). She went bat shit abs there was a ‘how dare he’ response. But there would of been a drama however it had been managed.

Good luck & don’t overthink it.

Thanks. I agree we should tell the DC first. They are 12, 9 and 6. So DP just told the oldest and asked not to tell the younger ones until he gets to speak to them (they are at school whereas oldest has a day off).

We love the DC very much so I want this to have as little impact on them as possible.

I fully agree that dc should be told first, in person whilst staying with you, and their dm informed by text or email before dc return home.

Ok, just read your last post and DP has told 1 dc out of 3 ...

That sounds odd tbh. Are the younger 2 with you tonight?

He only told him as he called him hoping to speak to all three. He foolishly spoke to oldest, told him then asked to speak to youngest to be informed they were not available. Rookie error on his part. Oldest said he won't tell the youngest though but hate him having to keep quiet.

But why would he want to tell them over the phone, whilst they are with their mother?

There is no urgency, just seems really odd. One minute you're discussing the best way to tell the DC and the next he's called out of the blue on a school day ....

Yes this all sounds a bit odd, too late now but should have told all three when you next had them. Then their mum.

We didn't want to share anything on social media without telling them first and he has them EOW so it would've been a while until he saw them next. People would have noticed the rock on my finger.

Telling them face to face or over the phone isn't much different.

You asked for advice because we know their Mum has a habit of making something out of nothing so we're just a bit worried about them

The whole point of telling them whilst they're with you is so that your DP could tell his ex when the children were not with her, and so they would not be exposed to her immediate reaction.

I think most people do see a difference between telling someone in person rather than by phone. Especially children.

You say it shouldn't affect them, but you can't be certain. Delaying telling anyone until you have the DCs really doesn't seem a big deal.

But your last post sounds like wearing your 'rock' and making a social media announcement is more important ...

If course it’s her business as it will effect her kids. Big things like this I tell my son first then I would make sure his dad knows the same day so he can talk to either of us if he needs to.

Kids need to talk about big changes and it helps if everyone treats each other with respect and has the same information.

It should however be in person not over the phone

He called? Dickhead move

What a strange post Haha. Why did he call and tell the oldest hoping to speak to the youngest afterwards... surely he knew they would be at school?

So a massive thing told over the phone, you should have waited and not shared till you saw them.

Why would you call on a random Tuesday morning to speak to the children about such a big thing? Surely he knew they’d be at school 🧐

So don't share the news on SM until you have seen the DC. Don't wear your ring till then either. Is what you should have done.

Actually you sound awful. No wonder you think their mother makes a big deal- she might have a point.

Sadly I agree @GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

if ones on a free day and at home maybe it was believed all 3 would be.