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Original poster

Would you be upset with this?

50 replies

Godzillamb · 23/09/2019 12:38

Name changed

DS2 is 17 (18 next month) and his girlfriend is 20. They have been together for 2 years and have a 10 month old together (which I also wasn't happy with).

On Saturday son proposed to her and she said yes. I am not happy with this especially because my ex (his dad) helped him and helped him pay for the ring. My ex was the same when grandson was born aswell. Didn't seem to care about how son was 17 etc.

Would you be upset with this? What would you do?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 23/09/2019 12:40

There's nothing you can do except say, "Congratulations!" and leave it at that. They've had to grow up faster than you might like but they will have to cope with that. An engagement doesn't mean that much, tbh.

Shahlalala · 23/09/2019 12:45

I can understand but there isn’t much you can do.
A child is a bigger commitment than an engagement I would say, they might wait a while before the marriage anyway. Lot to pay/save for.

Original poster

Godzillamb · 23/09/2019 13:13

I was upset when he told me she was pregnant aswell.

And my ex seems to be happy with him getting engaged.

He didn't even tell me he was going to propose

OP posts:

LaurenSarah22 · 23/09/2019 13:16

I dont think your ex should have told you that he was going to propose as your son would have probably have wanted to surprise you with what he thinks is good news.. theres nothing you can do just try and be happy, it's his lift and hes got a baby with his GF so to me why shouldn't they get married? It is possible to fall in love at an early age, doesnt mean things are going to go wrong

Soola · 23/09/2019 13:24

My son and his partner have been together since he was 15 and her almost 16. They are still together and are 24 and 25.

They don’t have children, (two cats) but sometimes young relationships do work out.

If they are kind to each other and the relationship is stable then you should support them even if you wold have rather your son had settled down when he was older.

sparklefarts · 23/09/2019 13:27

Wait what she was 18 and got together with a 15, nearly 16 year old?

Original poster

Godzillamb · 23/09/2019 13:32

I would've thought son would've told me before.

Yes son was 15 (near the end of year 10) and she was 18 when they got together.

OP posts:

beachcomber70 · 23/09/2019 13:33

Would I be upset? No.

Would I be concerned? Only because of son's age, but not overly. And because he will change a great deal in the coming years, in many ways. But together with his GF who will also change, they could grow together and form a very happy family.

What would I do? I would support them both and be happy for them. They obviously love each other and want to stay together. They have a lovely new baby...your grandchild, and I would enjoy everything about being a grandmother.

Your son is an individual with his own thoughts and feelings young as he is. Respect that and his relationship. It could work out, it may not. Just be there for him and give him support for what has already happened and for the future.

Whatever age a son is, whether 25, 35 or 45, it is no guarantee that his relationship/marriage will work out. Just make sure the grandchild has a loving grandma. Give them your blessing as it seems your ex has done. He has accepted that what is done is done...and we have to accept our children's decisions in life.

Gabmendes · 23/09/2019 13:35

I can understand your upset and frustrations; seeing your son grow up earlier than you'd have hoped for can't be easy as a Mother, but equally if he is happy then a simple 'Congratulations' will go a long way in keeping your relationship positive with your son.

Original poster

Godzillamb · 23/09/2019 13:43

And son didn't tell me either that he proposed it was ex.

I also feel pushed away as son hardly messages me and I hardly see grandson as son moved near ex. When I ask to go and see them son always says no they are doing x.

OP posts:

timshelthechoice · 23/09/2019 13:46

Engagements are meaningless. Lots of people are engaged for years and never marry. What's upsetting is a 17-year-old with a kid.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2019 13:48

How did you communicate your upset over the pregnancy? It does seem like your partner is trying to be supportive but possibly your actions are coming across as judgemental?

Bouffalant · 23/09/2019 13:48

Have you outwardly showed any negativity towards them/the GF, or been unencouraging about the big things that have happened?

If you made it clear that you weren't happy with them being together, and weren't happy that she became pregnant, it may well be that they knew you would be unhappy/unsupportive about them getting engaged, so chose not to talk to you about it. If they knew you were going to be negative about it they might not have wanted to share it with you.

He's of an age where you can't control the decisions he makes. They might not be the decisions you would have liked, but there's no point in letting him know that you're unhappy with them - that's only going to push him away, and the horse has already bolted so to speak. All you can do it be there to give support when they need it.

If I had news I was excited about and knew someone was going to be unhappy with it I probably wouldn't bother discussing it with them.

KUGA · 23/09/2019 13:49

I wouldnt make a big deal out of something thats going to happen anyway tbh.
Also the bigger picture is she is going to be your DIL and it`s easier to get on with her than have mil/dil battles.
Congratulate them and look forward to being a Grandma.
And have a good on- going relationship with you son.

Confusedbeetle · 23/09/2019 13:50

Sadly you just run the risk of alienating them both. It will either work out (and you will be excluded) or it wont and he wont come to you. Keep on side and be supportive. Pick up the pieces if it fails. If you are on good terms with the girl you will always have contact with your grandchild

Elphame · 23/09/2019 13:51

DS met his girlfriend when they were both 15. They'll have been together 16 years now. No DC yet but yes sometimes these relationships do last.

Nothing you can do about it but hope it works out for them

NWQM · 23/09/2019 13:52

Sounds as if you may need to take this opportunity to change your tune and stop being critical. You may not be happy but if he you risk losing him if you keep disapproving of his choices. He is showing commitment to the mother of his child and his nuclear family. You'd be better being part of that circle and there to catch him if it does go wrong rather than being on the outside.

Damntheman · 23/09/2019 13:53

I'd have been upset about the child, but done my very level best to not show it. If you want a relationship with your son then you HAVE to say congratulations and smile and be happy on the surface for him.

Be as supportive as you can be, it might work out long term! It may not, but if it doesn't then at least you'll still have a close relationship with your son in order to help him out. Practice looking happy for him :)

DontLettuceBrexitLettuceRemain · 23/09/2019 13:56

TBF I'd be more concerned about Yes son was 15 (near the end of year 10) and she was 18 when they got together

Original poster

Godzillamb · 23/09/2019 13:56

When they first got together I told him I wasn't happy because he was 15 and she was 18. But when he said she was pregnant I wasn't happy but I told him I supported him.

OP posts:

Beautiful3 · 23/09/2019 14:00

Just say congratulations and leave it at that. Nothing else you can do.

SheChoseDown · 23/09/2019 14:09

Sounds like they are making a go of it, good for them!
I can see why he didn't want you to know.....

fantasmasgoria1 · 23/09/2019 14:10

My bff had her first child at 16. Her boyfriend was 20. Her dad kicked her out and she moved in with her boyfriend. Everyone gave them absolutely no chance. They married a couple of years later and bought their own home. Now 24 years after their child was born they have had 3 other children. They both worked really hard and due to conflicting shifts they worked around each other and some weeks saw very little of each other. A few years ago he gave up work and started a business from home that was temporary so he could be around for the children. My friend was in a reasonably well paid job and is now a fairly high earner. Her husband stays at home full time as someone has to do school runs etc. He is going to start up his business again soon. They will be mortgage free in around 5 years iirc. They have defied what everyone said about them. It can totally work out well. They absolutely adore each other still.

SantaIsReal · 23/09/2019 14:13

I can understand why you are upset about everything however if you express this, there is a good chance he will just go against you and what you say.
It must have been heart breaking to not even hear the news from your son!
Ultimately, I don't think it's the fact the he is engaged that has upset you but your relationship with him. I think you should try and speak to him about that. Why not suggest a day that him, his girlfriend and your grandson can come for dinner and spend some family time together?

Juells · 23/09/2019 14:14

If this were my son I'd lie through my teeth and make a huge hoopla of the engagement, soppy presents and balloon posts on facebook etc.. He's not going to listen to you at the moment, his father is playing 'supportive Dad', so you need to fight fire with fire. No doubt you'd be grinding your teeth in reality, but if you want to save the relationship with your boy you'll have to look at the big picture. He won't listen to you at the moment if you're telling him things he doesn't want to hear.

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