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Original poster

Would you be upset with this?

50 replies

Godzillamb · 23/09/2019 12:38

Name changed

DS2 is 17 (18 next month) and his girlfriend is 20. They have been together for 2 years and have a 10 month old together (which I also wasn't happy with).

On Saturday son proposed to her and she said yes. I am not happy with this especially because my ex (his dad) helped him and helped him pay for the ring. My ex was the same when grandson was born aswell. Didn't seem to care about how son was 17 etc.

Would you be upset with this? What would you do?

OP posts:

raspberryk · 23/09/2019 14:14

I think I would have been more upset that my son got a young women pregnant than the fact they're making a go of it.
You should support them, and probably let him know that, but also that he doesn't need to do these things just because of the baby but only if he truly wants to.

PeoplesPoet · 23/09/2019 14:25

I'd be worried for my son if it was me. He sounds smitten though so all you can do in these cases is be supportive, but don't be taken advantage of.

My brother made a bit of a mess of his life at the same age (drugs, violence, angre issues, police incidents all sorts) my parents were at their wits end, my mum was scard of him. He trained as an electrician at 26 and he's now 28, and travelling the world on business trips, training other people up! He's of to Thailand and then Dubai. I was always the sensible child and I'm stuck on on Universal Credit at the moment with 2 kids - no one saw that coming believe me.

Just be there and care is my advice

Original poster

Godzillamb · 23/09/2019 14:29

I ask him if he wants to come to my house with his girlfriend and grandson or I go to them but son says no because in the week he's at college and then at the weekend they want to spend time together. Although every Sunday they go to exs for dinner.

I haven't sent congratulations because he hasn't told me.

OP posts:

Damntheman · 23/09/2019 14:35

Send him congratulations anyway. He very likely knows you know and your silence feels like a snub. Send his fiance some lovely congratulations flowers and keep inviting. Be as positive as you can be.

OnTheBorderline · 23/09/2019 14:41

If the roles were reversed I feel like more people would be concerned about the fact that she was 18 and he was 15 and they were having sex...

Pringlesfortea · 23/09/2019 14:44

I’ve been with my dh since I was 18 ,nearly 50 now ,I’d not of thanked anyone poking their nose in .

Chloemol · 23/09/2019 14:47

Are you sure you haven’t been judgemental and this has come across when talking to them, hence he moved nearer his father and doesn’t want to see you? The way you have posted sounds like you could have been

You need to apologise and become more supportive and them see what happens

Original poster

Godzillamb · 23/09/2019 14:52

He said they started having sex when they were 16 as that's when I found out (he had condoms in his school bag). And I couldn't stop him.

I think I'll call him later and say congratulations.

OP posts:

Sarahjconnor · 23/09/2019 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Godzillamb · 23/09/2019 14:59

It was a problem for me and I told him I wasn't happy with it But he said i couldn't stop him and that I was trying to ruin his life.

I think he moved near ex because when we split up he saying he wanted to live with ex and not me.

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 23/09/2019 15:00

Sounds like your ex is using your behaviour to his advantage and has probably filled your son’s head about every bad thing you have ever done. Not that you have helped the situation with your attitude - yes it’s awful that he was having sex with an adult when he was 15 and then got her pregnant but it happened. You should have been able to accept that as you clearly can’t change things. In your situation I would just suck up my pride and call your son up, say congratulations, apologise for being judgemental / negative about his relationship before and offer a clean slate for whenever he’s ready. That’s all you can do now.

confusedandemployed · 23/09/2019 15:00

I'm afraid I rather think that your negativity is coming over loud and clear to your son, which is the reason he has taken a step back. It's coming over loud and clear in your posts, OP.

Of course I can understand that you're worried, but as has already been made quite clear, all you can do is be supportive and enthusiastic, and be there if it does all come apart.

Bouffalant · 23/09/2019 15:16

Have you had some relationship problems with him in the past OP?

I think you should send them a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of champagne to start with, to show you wish them well and would like a fresh start.

Thelaughinggnome123 · 23/09/2019 15:16

I wouldn't be happy OP.
However if you want a relationship with your son, future DIL and grandchild you're going to have to suck it up.
Phone them and be lovely, congratulate them, invite them over for a celebration dinner.

Original poster

Godzillamb · 23/09/2019 15:25

No i haven't had relationship problems with him in the past. Although when me and ex split up he did have bad behaviour and had a lot of attitude towards me etc.

OP posts:

Accountant222 · 23/09/2019 15:40

My son got a girl pregnant when he was 17, they had met in total 3 times and didn't have any sort of relationship, apart from a shagging one.

The baby is 20, it all worked out ok, I always maintained a relationship with the girl and baby. Son was a complete tosser for perhaps the first twelve years but stepped up later.

Not ideal at all, the baby is a fine young man, of which I'm very proud.

Itsallpetetong · 23/09/2019 16:00

When they first got together I told him I wasn't happy because he was 15 and she was 18. But when he said she was pregnant I wasn't happy

You have told your son you are unhappy at every turn. Little wonder he didn’t speak to you to say he was going to propose tbh.

Would you be upset with this? What would you do?

I wouldn’t be thrilled but would congratulate them, ask if they had planned a date, ask to see the ring, take them for a celebratory meal......all the same things I would do if he was 27 and I was thrilled.

Original poster

Godzillamb · 23/09/2019 16:07

I only told him I wasn't happy when they got together but when she was pregnant and he told me I supported him although I wasn't happy but I didn't show it.

I am proud of him that he stepped up though.

OP posts:

itisthecause · 23/09/2019 16:24

It's hard to be naturally happy about such a decision. As a parent 18 is still so young and we want them to find their independence and make considered choices.

As an 18 year old he feels like an adult and believes it's the right thing.

Hindsight and experience often humble us all unfortunately.

MegaClutterSlut · 23/09/2019 16:52

I got with dh when he was 18, I was 16. We married when I was 19 and are still together 20 years later. We have outlasted all the older relatives marriages so it can work but I have said I wouldn't want my dc to marry that young so I do get your disappointment. My nearly 18 year old is definitely not mature enough

Tbh if anyone told me not to do it, I still would've at that age. Best thing you can do is paint a smile on and be excited for them. It's a big moment in his/your lives

Beth3886 · 23/09/2019 21:29

How many times can someone say 'I'?

Michellelovesizzy · 24/09/2019 10:49

There is no piont in bein upset just be there for ur son. Its not ur life its his dont push him away x

Pcosmama · 24/09/2019 10:50

Honestly I think you should phone him and say "I've heard the news congratulations! I'm proud of you." he probably knows he's a huge failure in many ways in your eyes so it would mend a lot of wounds for him to hear you say you're proud. Also ask if there is anything they would like you to do. Tell him you know you have been critical of their relationship in the past but you realise now that this is his life and you're very happy for him.

Jesse70 · 24/09/2019 11:49

Maybe if u supported him a bit more he would tell you things about his life

Juells · 25/09/2019 21:37

No i haven't had relationship problems with him in the past. Although when me and ex split up he did have bad behaviour and had a lot of attitude towards me etc.

How is that not a relationship problem?

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