Is it too late for me to introduce better eating habits for dc?

[Standingatthedoor]

They are 12 and 7. We have got into a complete rut of eating rubbish meals in front of the TV and they are so fussy I have really limited what I make for them. Ds1 even complained about getting burgers again the other day, especially annoying as he is the fussiest! (He once cried when I made him eat a carrot). I feel I have ruined them, and don't know how to change things around. We don't even eat at a table anymore, except in cafes where they are much better at eating.
Actually, I think I've been providing an a la carte service at home!
We (the adults) are so tired when we get in from work we can't face a big fight over dinner.
But I want things to change, for us to eat together at least some of the time, and for them to try new foods.
Have I left it too late or can I still turn things around?

Standing, I think it's never too late! Perhaps call a family meeting one weekend and try to explain to the children what you're planning and why, trying to keep it calm. You could compromise by perhaps having TV dinners at weekends, and cook your own burgers or chicken nuggets, as a compromise to their favourite foods.

You'll need a meal plan if you're working long hours- one night pasta, something with rice, one stew (?slow cooker), one egg dinner, one soup and garlic bread, jackets....then tweak it. I sit with my diary and a notepad and write out the next seven upcoming dinners. Then do my online shop. An evening food delivery helps me (I also work almost-full time).

I'd expect at least five meals a week at the table, maybe if you took baby steps this would be the first change? Then week by week up the number of homemade dinners.

Do you have a freezer? Batch cook- soups, Bolognese, chilli, stew.

Good luck!

It’s never too late; I think I’d start with getting everyone to eat at the table, the suggestion of a family meeting and weekends being more relaxed is a good one.
Maybe then introduce new meals at the weekend what you’re feeling less tired and get the kids involved in choosing it? Get a family friendly recipe book and get them to choose what they want to try? Even it’s quite similar to what they already eat at first then it’s a start with a family agreed rule that if everyone tries it and if they don’t eat it then the only alternative is toast or something uninteresting. It won’t hurt them if they end up having toast for dinner the first few times

I agree about the only alternative being very dull- I offer bread and butter or an apple! And don't worry about moaning - I know it's tough but just lead by example and eat yours and fingers crossed they'll follow.

I'd recommend Jamie's ministry book or Fay's Family Food to begin with.

Thank you all for being kind in your responses! We started out so well, Annabel Karmel-ing all the way once they got more independent it got harder.
I do think they would eat toast for a year before they would give in, which would be even less nutritious than what they have now!
I'm not sure I can do 5 nights at the table yet - maybe three, plus at least one meal a day at the weekend?
I have had full stand offs when trying new food in the last, crying, waiting till it is cold and then pretending to retch when eating it...
The longer I take to prepare a meal the less chance there seems to be of them consuming it. I have a day off this week and will spend it coming up with a plan. Need to get dh on board too or it's all wicked-mum time again

I had to eat what I was given as a child and I hated meals so much I became obsessed with snacks. Might not have been so bad at the time but looking back that's how I remember it (boiled potatoes and cabbage was a staple)

I think you do need your partner on board, if you can be a united front it's pretty powerful. I think I'd try to remain calm and ignore crying or tantrums. Let them sit with the food and take it away if they refuse completely. You need a mantra! 'This is our new way of eating, to help you grow up healthily. Please try it. If you are hungry afterwards you can have a chunk of bread or fruit.' And repeat! (Have a good loaf of granary bread on standby!)

I appreciate it will be very hard though to stay calm....

Maybe ask them to look through some cookbooks and choose a dinner or two each? Involve them in preparing it? Bake a cake with them to enjoy, afterwards, if they make a good attempt at dinner.

I think there are foods which children genuinely detest, my dd would gag at eating mash or banana, it's a texture thing. So I avoid those for her completely. Otherwise, she has to get on and eat. I would always offer a fruit pudding even if dinner is refused. (I do this)

Good luck, op.

It’s never too late.. currently retraining dp that onion/veg will not kill him. There’s easier sneaks and harder deals.. apple grated into homemade meatballs n burgers is an easy one keeps them moist too. Are they too old for sticker charts with a reward at the end? Sticker if they try everything on their plate, not finish cause sometimes we genuinely don’t like things, and at the end of the week whoever has the most stars/if they have x amount of stars they can pick what’s for dinner for Saturday/pick a movie/something non expensive that won’t make a rod for your back.

Just tell them meals are at the table, don’t like it don’t eat. It’ll be there on the table when you decide you’re hungry enough.. stone cold would’ve been my grandpas method.. I doubt I could be that mean though. Could also do it so there’s little dishable extras on the table.. maybe initially things they’ll want to add to their plate and add in different bits later.

Meal plans are definitely an idea, maybe even have them help so when the inevitable “I don’t want/like that” comes out you can tell them they liked it on Sunday so they’ll like it today. Just don’t make mountains out of molehills.

There are plenty of quick healthy meals out there. Bit hard to know what to suggest when I don't know what foods your kids do eat or can't stand. The advice I have followed is to give something you know they will eat and add an extra food on the plate that they don't have to try, but is just there as an option.

I would also ask why you say you can't face 5 meals at the table, you didn't say your kids can't. I would gently suggest that as you know they eat better at a table then unless you implement the change with feeling, you might be setting yourself up to fail.

I agree about not forcing eating, that's just mean, as is expecting them to eat it stone cold. Remove after say fifteen mins or when you've finished.

We have 'feasts' too- weekend meals where they choose a country and we eat a few simple dishes from there and it's fun- they like to choose.

I think every family faces this stress though at some point, you should see the meltdowns thrown in this house at stir fries over the years- ha ha ha!! Now- they're coming round a bit and eat some.

Just offer no instant alternatives- have minimal snacks around if poss. No microwave meals in stock.

We sit down as a family on a Saturday a nd plan the following weeks dinner. Every one gets to pick a meal they want.

You could start off with a list of 14 dinners and they have to choose one. They also need to help making it.

We have thing s like salmon, broccoli, spuds; pasta, red pesto, chorizo broccoli; Dahl; pork chops and veg; make your own wraps; mango chicken; sweet potato wedges and fish.

Simple things with with little prep and can be done in 30 mins

Some day we might make a meat sauce the night before so it just needs to be heated up

Oh there are no subs, if you want to eat. That's fine but you must sit at the table and join in with the conversation.

There will be nothing else to eat until supper when it will be weetabix

Jeez if don't want to eat

Hope u don't mind but I would like to follow as I am in a similar situation with my 7 & 5 year olds!!

@Standingatthedoor have you got a slow cooker? Honestly when you work long hours it is a god send! Just chuck it a in and its ready when you get home! Appreciate you have the hurdle of getting them to eat more variety first

What if you tried to get them to help a bit more with the cooking? So take it in turns to help each night. Or to sit with you and write a meal plan on Sunday morning for the rest of the week so they have agreed what they will have with one new dish each week?

I only have toddlers so no idea if this would work. Anyway sounds like you do your best so don't beat yourself up over it!!

My fussy eater has responded surprisingly well to meals they build themselves, like fajhitas and tacos. These also need to be eaten at a table as there are lots of little dishes (grated cheese, chicken, veg etc).

Might be worth a go?

I waited until my fusspot was 6 to get firm. He's old enough to understand why a varied diet is important, and to verbalise how he feels about foods (taste/texture/does he hate it or just not LOVE it etc).

I'm pleasantly surprised at how well he's adapted (he also once cried over carrots so I feel your pain!)

Never too late. I think many parents hit these ruts I know I certainly have at times, especially when dd was going through her 6 year old fussy phase and I had a long commute and was KNACKERED!

My mum bought me a slow cooker! Bloody godsend!

"I do think they would eat toast for a year before they would give in" ohhhh I feel you! At one point if I'd let her (and it was sooooo tempting) dd would've lived on cheese and crackers! She took a notion for a particular kind of cracker and she's always loved cheese (as do I but you can't live on it!)

I too was raised in a "there's 2 choices in this house at mealtimes - eat or starve" house and quite honestly a lot of the time I starved! I never liked meat and turned veggie at 16, a combination of eating food I liked and also stomach issues I'd had all my life all but disappearing (I genuinely believe I cannot digest red meat which we were given a LOT at home) meant I started gaining weight which my mum was really surprised by. She is now in her 70's and when discussing she says now she wishes she's let me go veggie earlier but she was also a working mum and had a lot on so I understand why she didn't want to either faff making 2 meals (much harder in the 80's when there was precious little quick, easy, veggie stuff about) or have to negotiate with me when the kitchen was available.

What DO the children like to eat? - and when I ask i don't mean favourites but what will they eat without too much fuss? BUT also accept that we ALL have things we don't like/can't eat and that's ok too. My dd hates chips/potatoes generally and chocolate. As well as meat I can't stomach onions/radishes and similar and I have to be VERY careful with spicy food and can't eat citrus fruits.

I think a discussion of not being able to eat favourites every day is worth having too. (I've just had a similar conversation with my 18 year old! She's working full time shifts and I'm too unwell to cook at the moment and she's got herself in a rut, she was bemoaning feeling bloated and tired and I pointed out she'd not eaten ANY fruit for a week! (Plenty fruit available). She's been reaching for quick, easy, favourite foods and forgetting the nutritional stuff I've been drumming into her all her life! I went through with her what she's currently enjoying/not likely to eat when doing the online grocery shop the other day.

I'm a single mum but yes you definitely need dh on board! Not fair him playing the "nice daddy, evil mummy" bollocks! Kids aren't stupid, if they can play you off against each other they will! Practice when the kids ask you something dubious "let me speak to daddy/mummy before I decide"

PLUS maybe remind him this is about his children's health! He is NOT doing THEM any favours if he doesn't help you.

I only have a four year old, but when he arrived (adopted) he only ate beans, cheese, toast and bananas, he now eats everything apart from aubergine.

I started introducing one new thing at a time, for example adding peas to his plate everyday for two weeks with no pressure to try them.

I have different meals on laminated cards, on a Friday we choose the meals for the following week, I choose Mon, wed and fri, he is yet to click that he only gets two days to choose. Then are then put up in the kitchen (I have some velcro on the wall) so he can see what we are having everyday. We eat out at the weekend.

He always helps make it, even if it’s just getting utensils out of drawers or putting things in the bin.

We sit on the floor to eat, but in the week no TV etc is allowed when we are eating, apart from Fridays when we eat slightly later and watch a film in bed.

If for whatever reason he doesn’t eat his dinner I don’t make a fuss, but if he decides he is hungry later he isn’t given another food option. Obviously I would have to change this if it happened on a regular basis.

www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/24282423-the-7-secrets-of-raising-happy-eaters

I have a VERY fussy 10 year old (he has autsim and sensory issues around food) and a not fussy 7 year old. The book I linked to I bought about 6=7 weeks ago and have implemented some of the techniques. It has been really successful in that DS1 will not 'try' things he would never go near before (although vomiting up banana on day 2 of the new experiment was a low point).

It focuses on exposure to food. I think it has some great techniques that certainly have gone some way to working for us. DS1 had vegetable pasta bake tonight that he did not like, but he ate a good third of it when there was no way a few weeks ago he would have even done that. He is more able to try things now.... i got him to dip his finger into sesame seeds yesterday and try those too. He even tried sushi last week. It's almost a miracle.

Also, the focus is on low-key exposure. Lowering anxiety around mealtimes etc.

In terms of tiredness, one thing I plan on trying this week is cooking that night's meal and prepping the enxt night. So today for example I have prepped a turkey mince meatloaf (raw) and put it in the fridge. So tomorrow I just have to drag it out, cook it and cook some vegetables. Then while that is cooking I shall prep Tuesday night's meal.

Can you use a slow cooker/ oven timer to get meal on so that you’re not actually cooking in the evening. Then use that energy for the fight.

I have very strong willed dc (one has asd so I’m not just being precious) and the first night of putting my foot down about anything is horrendous. The second is tough. But usually by the fourth or fifth time they accept that this is how it is. Unless I show weakness and then we’re back to square one.

Ds has a very limited diet but we have the following meal time rules

1. We sit to the table at dinner time
2. You have to try everything on your plate.
3. There are no snacks later unless you’ve cleared your plate
4. You are allowed leave one portion behind (but no snacks later)

I make his dinner with four parts - protein, carb and two veg. Only one or two parts are challenging.

Thank you all so much.
I will definitely look at that book, I do think ds1 has issues about the taste of things, it's not exactly normal for someone his age to cry over new food. When I try to bring out a healthier meal it definitely becomes high stress!
Kind of things they eat without complaining - pizza (well obviously!), and various things with chips - burger, sausage rolls, hot dogs, nuggets, garlic bread (3/4 of us are veggie so those are all the meat substitute versions of those). One will eat pasta (no sauce) and one won't.
Neither will touch rice or soup, lasagna or stir fry.
I've been so disheartened with being told whatever new thing I've carefully made is "disgusting" and feel like I've given up - but it's far too important I know to not let them have a veg free existence for ever
Our own diets have become bland and boring too, with the occasional better meal when we eat something entirely different to the dc.
I can't think of anything in a slow cooker that they would eat - if I could break the pasta/rice barrier maybe that would work.
Going to sit down and make notes on all your suggestions, thank you.

What are they like at school, or at other people's houses, or even in a restaurant OP? Will they eat things there that they won't eat at home? What happens if they go to a friend's and don't like the dinner on offer? Will they eat a bit of it and be polite or will they panic or reject it?

Are there things that either of them used to eat but won't any more?

One simple trick is only ever to try them on new things when they're really hungry. Serve a vegetable course first, before getting to the main. Hungry kids will sometimes have a go with something that they will turn their noses up at if they're full of snacks and just not that fussed.

I also think it's really important not to allow yourself to get upset, even though it's so hard. Aim for a mild "well you don't have to eat it, but I'm afraid that's all there is" type response to complaints. That being said, I would come down very briskly on comments like "this is disgusting". Don't crack down on the not eating if they don't want to, but do crack down on the unacceptable rudeness.

"I can't think of anything in a slow cooker that they would eat"

My dd likes "plain" old fashioned style stews/casseroles in the slow cooker. I'm veggie too, she isn't but happily eats veggie dishes, I do stews/casseroles just with Quorn chicken or beef style pieces, veg she likes, stock made up and herbs she likes.

Or chilli? Or curries?

I have with mash or roast potatoes - she has it with cous cous or pasta (weird I know but it's the potato hatred thing with us!) but if yours don't like pasta/rice maybe go more potato accompanied route?

I know other families with pasta/rice haters and they just sub potatoes, bolognese sauce and chilli can certainly go well with jacket spuds

What veg DO they like?

I tend to think of stews and casseroles when I think of slow cookers but they can also be used for joints of meat even a whole chickens.