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Original poster

Eldest daughter left home to go Uni

47 replies

KAT7545 · 20/09/2019 22:22

Feeling heartbroken and grieving for the loss of my daughter, this sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? But I gave birth to her and have nurtured her and watched her grow into a beautiful young lady.. I knew one day this time would come, there never is a good time I suppose, I just miss her and also the memories, she’s coping well now, as at first she missed home, but it’s only been a fortnight and although I’m messaging her, not everyday and I’m just missing our late night chats or just her smile...I have hobbies but need to get motivated and I have a husband, but I feel men are not like us, he doesn’t understand and keeps saying she will be fine, you’ll see..I can’t go up in her room as I feel pain and just see my 4 year old standing there ..she’s 18 now ...I know I have to let her go and I have ....I’m looking forward to maybe going to visit, but she’s got a lot of things planned for the next few weekends so won’t get a look in for a minute... any advice or any bit of help to get me through I would be very grateful if there is anyone that has experienced this or who is going through it at the moment ..thanks for reading

OP posts:

minmooch · 21/09/2019 08:26

Be thrilled that you have done a great job raising your daughter and she's happily settling in to the next stage of her life.

Now you have to pull your big girl pants up and settle in to this next stage of your life.

Being heartbroken and mourning the loss of your daughter is you being over dramatic - it is also offensive to those who actually have lost a child (my son died aged 18). And not being able to go up to her room???

Nowt wrong with being wistful at the passage of time. Nowt wrong with missing their every day presence. We are all like that but very gently you really do need to get a grip. Time to start making more of a life for yourself. Time to enjoy your daughters growing confidence and independence. Time to enjoy her very long uni holidays back at home.

1Wildheartsease · 21/09/2019 08:35

It is tough ... grieve a bit but know thatyou will adjust and she will be home lots.

They need us for ages yet😀 and come home with all kinds of friends too.

It is seasonal- like living in a seaside town- always very full or very empty. You can enjoy both states.

dementedma · 21/09/2019 08:38

I'm with lowandlucky. What a melodramatic post when you should be celebrating your childs s success and independence. Jeez! Get a grip.

1Wildheartsease · 21/09/2019 08:47

Don't be so harsh! I expect OP does celebrate ... to her daughter.

She can grieve a bit on here.

Of course it is great to see them fly but they are leaving empty space around us.

parrotonthesofa · 21/09/2019 09:09

Yep I agree that the grieving vocabulary could be offensive to people that have lost children.
Be happy that your child is living her life.

firstiwasafraidiwaspetrified · 21/09/2019 09:11

@dementedma wow that is harsh surely it's normal to feel out of sorts when your child goes to Uni and how well do you know OPs circumstances. Where's the sisterhood!!

Original poster

KAT7545 · 21/09/2019 09:14

Hi I am really sorry if I offended anyone as I in no way meant to and thanks for all the positive and constructive comments on this thread, I am going to try and hide this thread as this is all new to me. I just clicked on it last night so somehow I can’t amend it or delete it, but I need to do something as I feel some people are upset by my comments and I will start a new thread when I’m ready, so then on the new thread feel free please to comment with all your lovely constructive comments as I have awoken today and taken some on board and am grateful to you all taking the time to write ... wow what an inspirational site and really helpful for us mums and shame their is no manual as there’s a manual for everything else!!!

OP posts:

VioletCharlotte · 21/09/2019 09:26

Hello Kat, my DS went off to uni last weekend, I'm really missing him too so I can understand how you feel. I've been ok all week, but he phoned last night to say he was staying in last night as he has a cough and cold, I had to restrain myself from rushing down to see him. I just wanted to nurture him I came off the phone and cried from an hour 😢

I'm sure these feelings will pass, we just need to take good care of ourselves in the meantime.

minmooch · 21/09/2019 09:50

@firstiwasafraidiwaspetrified showing 'the sisterhood' doesn't mean we have to agree with all sentiments. Showing 'the sisterhood' also means being able to say what we feel.

I am a bereaved mother. I know very well that the op did not mean to offend anyone. But by sharing experiences can may be help the op look at this next stage of both her and her daughter's life in a different light.

Showing 'the sisterhood' is also about sisterhood to all is it not?? In this circumstance use of this type of grieving vocabulary is offensive/sensitive/sounds over dramatic to those who have lost a child - of which there are unfortunately a number of us on this forum.

Can you tell I hate the expression 'the sisterhood'? Surely we should be showing respect to all.

crimsonlake · 21/09/2019 10:05

I feel your pain, but it will get better and you will adapt to this new lifestyle.
4 years ago both mine went to uni a couple of weeks apart, I remember it like yesterday, made worse bt the fact I was a single parent and was now home alone.
I can still remember leaving the first on the corner of the street outside his halls as he waved me off and the lovely hug he gave me. I cried all the way home for 4 hours.
A week later I had to do it all again and remember my other son waving to me from his window as I drove off.
I cried on and off for 2 weeks and kept their bedroom doors open at home.
I had been dreading all of this for some time and used to get upset at just the thought of it.
The reality is that both used to come home for a visit once a month especially in the first year, then there was the long holidays.
I found it a roller coaster, all the looking forward to seeing them, but suddenly finding myself at the station waving them off and being upset again. The eldest spent a year studying in America, so at one time was far away.
The only option is to adapt and get used to it, it is a different kind of life.
They have both done very well and got 1st in their degree's. The youngest in now working in London and so naturally wont be able to spend much time at home. This is something else to get used to but I am very proud and happy for him and it is the way it should be.
The eldest has been home for a few months and is preparing to go abroad for a year. My water bill should go down considerably.
Be kind to yourself, plan some nice treats and keep busy, the time really does fly.

minmooch · 21/09/2019 10:06

@firstiwasafraidiwaspetrified showing 'the sisterhood' doesn't mean we have to agree with all sentiments. Showing 'the sisterhood' also means being able to say what we feel.

Can you tell I hate the expression 'the sisterhood'? Surely we should be showing respect to all.

Threads like these hopefully help all in whatever circumstances to share their experiences and to see them all from different angles.

minmooch · 21/09/2019 10:08

Don't know why my first post posted above as I hadn't quite finished it. 😯

ILiveInSalemsLot · 21/09/2019 10:13

I’ve always loved the quote that good parents give you roots and wings.
My parents did and I hope to give my children that too.
It sounds like you have

firstiwasafraidiwaspetrified · 21/09/2019 11:05

@minmooch I take your point. I am sorry for your loss 💐 x

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 21/09/2019 11:15

It’s not unreasonable to feel regret for the status quo. You’ve had it for eighteen years. But change is inevitable and will go on being so. You’re now moving to a different phase in your life and you need to look at that positively. Opportunities are there that weren’t before, so grab them whilst you can.

And don’t let your daughter know how much you miss her. She needs to embrace her new life too.

DishingOutDone · 21/09/2019 11:33

I used the phrase "I read recently its like losing a limb" in my post upthread, does this mean I have offended people who've lost a limb? Why aren't we allowed to talk about being upset because kids have left home?

I honestly thought oh great here's a thread to discuss feeling bereft and probably a bit maudlin about a child leaving for uni and now the OP is saying she's upset people so she's off? If posters didn't want to talk about kids leaving for uni, why did they click on the thread?

@minmooch - I am sorry for your loss, which is the ultimate loss that anyone can bear. But surely no one would think that the OP genuinely believes this is like the death of a child, she had no intention whatsoever to say that.

minmooch · 21/09/2019 11:48

@DishingOutDone of course people can talk about missing their child/ren when they leave home.

I said in my second post that I know the op didn't mean to offend. It's the use of the grief vocabulary that is sensitive to those who have lost a child. To us it diminishes what real grief actually is all about - ie you never get to see that child again. Going to uni/leaving home is the natural order of life. It may help the op put it more in to perspective if she can see it in that light.

I don't mean to dismiss the feeling of missing your child when they leave home, the change in everyone's lives. My second child has just finished uni and I miss him living at home. But I'm not grieving him.

It is a huge difference.

I relish my child's emergence into his own independent life alongside missing his everyday presence in my life. I miss parenting him as he was as a child as do most of us when a child leaves home.

I haven't lost a limb so you haven't offended me. That expression could do to those that have. I was and am able to have a discussion on the use of the word grieving because that's my experience.

DishingOutDone · 21/09/2019 12:09

@minmooch - this thread wasn't about grieving the death of a child, but it is now. Its not a thread where we can discuss a child going to uni, because your terrible experience trumps all.

I was a bit cross with the OP saying she's leaving the thread, but I can see now why she has - I don't want to "win" or get the upper hand by arguing semantics with a mother who has lost their son so I think its best I leave the thread too. I hope anyone who wants to will be allowed to join a similar thread specifically to discuss how they feel.

minmooch · 21/09/2019 12:22

@DishingOutDone ok. I'm just as 'allowed' to share my feelings here too.

Daffodil101 · 21/09/2019 23:26

What a shame this thread ended, it could have been so helpful. Come back, OP!

We can offend people with our choice of language all the time. I heard a lady call her dog a ‘nutter’ today. That’s offensive to people with mental illness (I work in mental health). What about ‘deaf as a post’ for people who aren’t actually clinically deaf?

Parents who have children with special needs are often acknowledged as ‘grieving’ the child they expected to have. Their child is alive though. I could go on and on.

There are words, and there are intended meanings. Often they are different. I’m sorry the OP couldn’t express how she felt without offending people who know very well that she didn’t mean to be offensive. Doubtless she feels worse now.

bottleofbeer · 22/09/2019 01:27

My youngest son has left last week, and it's horrendous. I'm so, so sad.

I got back on Monday for my final year so hoping it takes my mind off it.

He's my sunshine and I miss him so much it hurts

bottleofbeer · 22/09/2019 01:30

I've thought this so many times, that it's an insult to bereaved parents.

But we're allowed to miss them and grieve that a huge part of our life is over.

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