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Original poster

Eldest daughter left home to go Uni

47 replies

KAT7545 · 20/09/2019 22:22

Feeling heartbroken and grieving for the loss of my daughter, this sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? But I gave birth to her and have nurtured her and watched her grow into a beautiful young lady.. I knew one day this time would come, there never is a good time I suppose, I just miss her and also the memories, she’s coping well now, as at first she missed home, but it’s only been a fortnight and although I’m messaging her, not everyday and I’m just missing our late night chats or just her smile...I have hobbies but need to get motivated and I have a husband, but I feel men are not like us, he doesn’t understand and keeps saying she will be fine, you’ll see..I can’t go up in her room as I feel pain and just see my 4 year old standing there ..she’s 18 now ...I know I have to let her go and I have ....I’m looking forward to maybe going to visit, but she’s got a lot of things planned for the next few weekends so won’t get a look in for a minute... any advice or any bit of help to get me through I would be very grateful if there is anyone that has experienced this or who is going through it at the moment ..thanks for reading Smile

OP posts:
YorkieTheRabbit · 20/09/2019 22:33

Flowers it must be so difficult to watch her grow up and move on. I’ve no advice and as I’ve no children, I can’t fully understand what you’re feeling. Hopefully someone who’s been through the same, can offer you words of wisdom Smile

Abillity2019 · 20/09/2019 22:35

Uni is at most 30 weeks which means she’ll be at home for 22, she’s not really left home.

CherryPavlova · 20/09/2019 22:35

Be pleased you’ve done a good job. Try and plan social activities that aren’t running children around.
The first is hard. The youngest is very hard!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/09/2019 23:50

Been there twice! Honestly, before you know what she'll be home for the Christmas holidays, raiding the fridge and bringing a mountain of laundry!

Northernlurker · 20/09/2019 23:53

Yes it sucks but you do adjust. Try and keep busy and wait for your feelings to adjust. It's perfectly reasonable to feel like this.

BackforGood · 20/09/2019 23:57

but I feel men are not like us, he doesn’t understand and keeps saying she will be fine

"like us" ?? Like you , you mean. I'm with your husband. Pretty confident she will not only 'be fine' but will thrive and grow and mature into a confident young woman.

DishingOutDone · 21/09/2019 00:39

Aw KAT I am with you. I felt like saying "hang on a minute, I hadn't finished!" I wanted to do lots more parenting! I have another DD here but I read recently its like losing a limb you are so ... adrift without them.

Course everyone is different but there must be a place for bereft mums like us!

mygrandchildrenrock · 21/09/2019 06:48

My youngest daughter goes to a university 4 hours drive away today. I’ve been awake since 5am just thinking about how much I love her and how I hope she’ll settle in, make friends, enjoy her course etc.
I’ll try hard not to cry until we leave her, not sure I’ll be able to manage that.
I know from her older siblings it will be okay but I’d like to rewind the clock by a year or two!

ShanghaiDiva · 21/09/2019 06:56

You do adjust and the time really does fly by and then they are back and the grocery shopping bill doubles!
My ds is about to start year two and is 5000 miles away from us as we live in China and he is the back in the UK. He found in year one that a lot of students went home for the weekend in week 4 or 5 in the first term, so perhaps your dd will be back then.

Tiredoptimist · 21/09/2019 07:07

Ahhh. This was last year for me.
I had in mind that the fact that she was clever, confident and independent enough to go away showed that regardless of my many cock ups I had successfully raised her. The fact that she was happy and thriving and keen to come back at some point but not yet and that her voice brimmed over with enthusiasm and fun when we did speak proved that I did a damn good job.
Still missed her like hell but life moves on else we’d all stagnate. Our relationship is moving to another level and it forced me to think about my life and future and I have really shaken things up and that is good too. We’re proud of each other.
Yes, I feel your pain, but it will get better. She’s brilliant...you did that!

MrsMozartMkII · 21/09/2019 07:13

You come out the other end lass.

My youngest graduated this summer. I've missed her like blazers and she's stayed in her uni town and now lives with her partner. All as it should be I guess. Won't ever stop me missing her, or her elder sister, but I'm so bloody pleased and happy and grateful that they're both able to do this on every level.

I once asked my sister how long it took to stop missing them. She said until the day before they're due home! She was right.

chantico · 21/09/2019 07:18

The whole purpose of parenthood is to train them to leave you.

Congratulations on a job well done, as she has got to this point without major disaster, and is happy to go.

Please be careful about how you express this in terms of loss. It is usually used as a euphemism for death, and a child leaving home is nothing whatsoever like the death if a child. As any of the many bereaved parents on MN know all too bloody well.

Yes, wistfulness as they move on is normal. Grieving a loss is excessive, and I agree very much with your thoughts that you need to look at your life now and make sure you are putting rewarding, exciting, self-nurturing things into it.

Pringlesfortea · 21/09/2019 07:18

Mines leaving today for uni ,I’m sure I will have a cry ,but it’s his life and it’s what he wants ,and it’s why I put so much effort in to parenting so he would have the confidence to fly the nest 😀

parrotonthesofa · 21/09/2019 07:18

Try to be happy that she can spread her wings and leave home, go to uni etc. Not all children are able to do this.
This a nw chapter in her life, you'll get to watch her grow into a woman and find her own way in life. There's something pretty cool about that! Your relationship either her will change too. And as others have said, the holidays are v long so you'll be seeing loads of her anyway!

Bezalelle · 21/09/2019 07:45

The grieving terminology is pretty offensive, to be honest.

Daffodil101 · 21/09/2019 07:49

Pretty sure the OP didn’t mean to be offensive. She’s obviously very upset and simply trying to find words to express a raw emotion.

BenWillbondsPants · 21/09/2019 07:50

@Bezalelle

I think it's clear that the OP meant no offense at all.

pumpkinpie01 · 21/09/2019 07:55

My Dd left last Saturday we are very close and we did so much together I really am missing her too. But I'm so so proud of her . It's normal to feel sad and be upset but she is a young woman now spreading her wings and learning to be independent. Had she gone far ?

grandmasterstitch · 21/09/2019 07:57

My mum always used to say she knew I didn't belong to her, she was just borrowing me until I was old enough. I mean I now loves over the road from her but I lived away for 6 years

Iwantacampervan · 21/09/2019 07:57

Honestly, before you know what she'll be home for the Christmas holidays, raiding the fridge and bringing a mountain of laundry!
..and at the end of the year your house will be full of all the extra 'stuff' she's bought (and no where to store it until she goes again next Sept)!

Second year here - leave it a few weeks so she can settle and then visit, think of it as a new place for you to explore but be prepared to do some on your own rather than have her spend whole days with you. In the meantime think about your hobbies and what you want to do.
I don't get much communication - mine speaks/messages more with their sibling!

Lowlandlucky · 21/09/2019 08:00

I must have been the worlds worst Mother, as much as i loved them all and enjoyed being at home looking after them until the youngest started school, i wasnt sad to see them leave home. In fact the youngest didnt look like he was ever going to move out so i did and moved hundreds of miles away. There is a life after children and tbh even when they dont live under the same roof you still have to parent them and set part of your day aside for them. OP soon you will miss her less but try and be excited that she has moved on to the next stage and is happy because you raised her in such a lovely way that she has the confidence to spread her wings

firstiwasafraidiwaspetrified · 21/09/2019 08:07

I took my dd to uni yesterday so I know how you feel all of my friends feel the same too. It's natural to feel like you do and you just have to feel it. I'm in a hotel at the other end of the city to where my dd is. I'm going home shortly. You are bound to feel like you are going through a grieving process. I know I will for a while but once I know she's settled I'll be fine. It's a new chapter for you and a new one for your dd. She'll be home for visit before you know it. You can do this. We are all in the same boat so don't feel alone. Sending you 💐 xx

Boofay · 21/09/2019 08:08

Yep! This was me last year. The thought of walking into my son's room for a few weeks was so painful. I felt like I was mourning the part of my life where he was younger and needed me!
He's a very independent young man now. I've literally just dropped him off at the train station to go back to uni for year two. I'm sad to say goodbye again but I'm so flipping proud of him, so I just want him to be his best and do his best!

Uni terms are short though. She'll be back before you know it! I plan on visiting my son a couple of times this term - he likes me to pop down so I can buy him lunch! He's only an hour away so that not too bad.

Promise you that you'll be fine in a few week x

firstiwasafraidiwaspetrified · 21/09/2019 08:13

Tbh this thread has helped me too OP xx