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Original poster

Not heard from him in 9 hours

50 replies

JaffaJane · 20/09/2019 21:11

I know I'm gonna sound like a proper stage 5 clinger writing this but anyway, been seeing someone for close to 3 months now (fairly intensively) but he is just a year on from the separation from his wife. I know he finds it tough but it wasn't a sudden end to their relationship, more of a gradual growing apart, etc. years before they actually separated. (I know he could be bullshitting me but I know for sure this is true - won't go into details). Anyway, his family and friends all know about me and I've met some of them.

We usually text each other at least every few hours every day (with him initiating the first text of the day) and yesterday he did tentatively pencil in meeting today evening after work. He has never stood me up nor left me wondering (we've been on frequent dates these last 3 months and he seemed more and more interested).

What worries me is that he has depression (even though he seems super funny, witty and happy as his external behaviour) and anxiety...

I did ask him if he was alright as he was far less chatty than usually today.. he said "kinda. I'm wasted" at midday today.. which I assume means he's drunk? or does the term also mean hungover?

Since then, he's not been online at all (unusual) for the last 9 hours so it's not likely he's only ignoring me.

Just seems out of character for him.. does everyone have one of these days or is there any safety risk or he's just detaching himself from him? I know I'm massively catastrophic this but only because it's different from his usual self.

He lives alone and I don't have contact details for his family. He doesn't sleep tons (so I'm assuming he's not just been sleeping all day) and has always kept to his word regarding meet-ups.

OP posts:
Soola · 20/09/2019 21:17

If he said he was wasted I reckon he went home and fell asleep straight away.

Hw could have texted to say he was heading home and to bed but perhaps rather than being thoughtless he only intended to nap and not fall into a deep slumber.

Original poster
JaffaJane · 20/09/2019 21:18

*he's just detaching himself from me, I meant.

OP posts:
Original poster
JaffaJane · 20/09/2019 21:19

@Soola Thanks for the reply. Is it normal to be asleep from midday to 9pm due to being drunk?

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
MitziK · 20/09/2019 21:22

Outside exceptional occasions, only if he's an alcoholic.

Assuming he means drunk and not 'off my tits on something'.

Soola · 20/09/2019 21:24

If he doesn’t sleep well it’s possible that a binge drinking session could have had more of an effect on him crashing out. I don’t know.

I would question why he had the need to get wasted, it seems quite an immature thing to do.

Original poster
JaffaJane · 20/09/2019 21:40

Thanks both - I can't help turning it around to me and I keep mentally rewinding our convos to see if I said/did anything to turn him off me :/

OP posts:
taytosandwich · 20/09/2019 21:57

I'd probably assume he's gone and got drunk, is still at the pub and his phones died or he's turned it off. That's not the life you want for yourself OP.

Original poster
JaffaJane · 20/09/2019 22:21

@taytosandwich Thanks for your response too - hm yeah that is best case scenario to be honest. The timings of noon till 10pm are odd though.. I mean I'd get it if he disappeared from like 9pm to 11am or something. If he had done this before, I'd have written him off but he is usually super organised and on top of things. He does have a tendency to go off the rails a bit sometimes (work hard, play hard type) with drinking, etc. but never to the point of disappearing for 10 hours.

OP posts:
Original poster
JaffaJane · 20/09/2019 23:16

Any more replies welcome

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 20/09/2019 23:22

He doesn’t sound well at all OP. Work hard and play hard sounds like code for failing to deal with the end of his last relationship. The level of contact sounds stifling.
Personally I’d take a step back from this. You can’t fix him. His mental health won’t be helped by getting wasted.

SunshineAngel · 20/09/2019 23:28

I always panic when my partner doesn't reply to me, and I come up with incredibly catastrophic reasons in my head.. have you tried phoning him? I would normally say don't be clingy as people are allowed to be busy, but given he's normally so chatty, and you had plans to meet tonight, I too would feel better if I had a reply, if it was me.

sashamichele · 20/09/2019 23:33

Have you both got iPhones?

T1gerEye · 20/09/2019 23:33

Do you need all this aggro, soul searching and psycho analysing some bloke who's clearly got some issues going on? Trust me, it'll get worse

JockTamsonsBairns · 21/09/2019 00:01

You've been seeing this guy for a matter of weeks, and he's getting wasted at midday? I'd be out of there, sorry.

spongedog · 21/09/2019 00:22

Actually your level of contact in such a short relationship sounds stifling. Leave him be. He'll be in touch when he will be. Get on with your life.

Rachelover60 · 21/09/2019 00:34

Give it a bit longer, op. If he's interested he'll reappear but that isn't something you can force; let's face it you haven't been together very long.

Try to be a bit more - not casual exactly but carefree about your relationship, enjoying it for what it is day to day and not thinking too long term. It isn't that long since his significant relationship ended so he is bound to pull back a bit sometimes. It's self protection.

All the best to you

LividLaughLove · 21/09/2019 03:48

Is he a problem drinker?

You don’t want any part of that if he is.

Original poster
JaffaJane · 21/09/2019 07:39

@sashamichele
Yes we both have iPhones.

There was a time a few months back when he couldn’t find his phone after drinking at the weekend and used his find my phone to locate it in his garden oddly enough.

But usually he’s always been fairly sensible and he always reached out to me every couple of hours.

Now it’s been nearly 24 hours since he’s been online.

OP posts:
Usernamealreadyexists · 21/09/2019 07:43

Do you know where he lives? 24 hours is long given the pattern of contact. I’d go over.

Original poster
JaffaJane · 21/09/2019 07:49

@Usernamealreadyexists

Yup I know where he lives- he even told me where he keeps his spare key. I just tried phoning him but it goes straight to voicemail so seems he has his phone turned off (which I’ve never seen him do) or it’s out of charge (in which case if he’s lost it, he can’t use find my phone to locate it I guess?)

OP posts:
sashamichele · 21/09/2019 07:52

@JaffaJane there's an app you can download called "find my friends" if he's got his location turned on then you can see where he is. I know that sounds stalker'ish but for peace of mind it's worth it.

Iwillbemrsminty · 21/09/2019 07:52

I'd be ringing or going over, if I was that concerned. Or contacting someone who can. It does sound like he has been on a bit of an early bender and probably sleeping it off. That would bother me, wasted by lunchtime Hmm I couldn't be doing with that. Have you tried actually ringing?

Iwillbemrsminty · 21/09/2019 07:52

Sorry x post!

FredaFrogspawn · 21/09/2019 07:54

I’d see how things pan out over the next 5 or 6 hours. Text and say you’re worried and considering calling police. If he is avoiding you, he’d have to at least let you know you’re dumped rather than risk police. If he’s lying somewhere unconscious in a pile of vomit, hopefully the police will find him.

Do you have any contact numbers for his friends or family?

bionicnemonic · 21/09/2019 07:55

Voice of experience here. You can’t fix him. He’ll need to find his own way to the surface or he may come to rely on your rescue and that’s not great for you in the long term

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