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Original poster

Not heard from him in 9 hours

50 replies

JaffaJane · 20/09/2019 21:11

I know I'm gonna sound like a proper stage 5 clinger writing this but anyway, been seeing someone for close to 3 months now (fairly intensively) but he is just a year on from the separation from his wife. I know he finds it tough but it wasn't a sudden end to their relationship, more of a gradual growing apart, etc. years before they actually separated. (I know he could be bullshitting me but I know for sure this is true - won't go into details). Anyway, his family and friends all know about me and I've met some of them.

We usually text each other at least every few hours every day (with him initiating the first text of the day) and yesterday he did tentatively pencil in meeting today evening after work. He has never stood me up nor left me wondering (we've been on frequent dates these last 3 months and he seemed more and more interested).

What worries me is that he has depression (even though he seems super funny, witty and happy as his external behaviour) and anxiety...

I did ask him if he was alright as he was far less chatty than usually today.. he said "kinda. I'm wasted" at midday today.. which I assume means he's drunk? or does the term also mean hungover?

Since then, he's not been online at all (unusual) for the last 9 hours so it's not likely he's only ignoring me.

Just seems out of character for him.. does everyone have one of these days or is there any safety risk or he's just detaching himself from him? I know I'm massively catastrophic this but only because it's different from his usual self.

He lives alone and I don't have contact details for his family. He doesn't sleep tons (so I'm assuming he's not just been sleeping all day) and has always kept to his word regarding meet-ups.

OP posts:

FredaFrogspawn · 21/09/2019 07:58

Agree with bionicnemonic. If he is a binge drinking alcoholic, you aren’t going to change him except possibly by leaving because his behaviour will always impact negatively on those who love him.

FredaFrogspawn · 21/09/2019 07:59

But it would be good to know he is safe in the meantime- you can’t assume anything at this stage. Do you suspect he may have a drink problem?

IdiotInDisguise · 21/09/2019 08:01

Have you rang him today? I would suggest sending him a text saying you are worried about him and will be popping in at lunch time to check on him.

That would give him the opportunity to reassure you he is ok just not interested in talking.

If no reply, I would go and check

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Relationship problems

SillyMoomin · 21/09/2019 08:01

@sashamichele the other person needs to accept you first on the app before you can stalk them ;)

Op- 24 hours is unusual. I’d wait till midday then pop over to his house and see if you can rouse him

Usernamealreadyexists · 21/09/2019 08:06

Agree - give it until midday. Sounds like a messy situation. Check on him and reevaluate what is going on.

Savingforarainyday · 21/09/2019 08:07

Gosh, three months in... he goes off the rails with drink.... that would worry me massively.

Original poster

JaffaJane · 21/09/2019 08:12

Thanks for the replies so far everyone. To summarise:

Just tried ringing him and it's going straight to voicemail (so phone is off/battery dead,etc)

-The text I sent him yesterday afternoon has two ticks on whatsapp (so it's been delivered to his phone but the ticks are grey so he hasn't read it). -I just texted him again an hour ago asking him to let me know he's ok (this time it's only 1 grey tick meaning it hasn't been delivered to his phone which makes sense if his phone is off/out of battery). -He definitely hasn't blocked me on whatsapp as I can see his profile picture and his last online status. -I remember him telling me he'd never ever "ghost" anyone and that he wouldn't even dump anyone by text. I know people's words and actions can be very different but with him, I'm 99% he's being honest about this. -He's the one who was arranging for us to meet up last night anyway on Thursday. Even when he's been very unwell (fever, nausea, whatever, he's never ever cancelled on a date from day 1). -I don't think he's an "alcholic" per say but I guess the definition of his varies - he manages to hold down a highly respectful job, has friends, and can go weeks without drinking or having one or two casual drinks but yes there is a tendency for him to go overboard with drinking once in a while (which may point to alcoholism but I feel everyone has a crazy drunken night once in a while) and in the last 90 days I've known him, he's never disappeared like this. -Yes I think find my friends requires permission from the other person.

OP posts:

Original poster

JaffaJane · 21/09/2019 08:16

I had other plans today which I'd rather not cancel to check on if he's okay as it seems like if he's unconsciously drunk, etc. chances are it's self-inflicted. (Of course, I'd rush to the aid of any friend, partner etc if I knew they were in real danger through no fault of their own)

He did express interest for us to meet up this weekend whenever I wanted - as I was busy today, we agreed upon tomorrow and that he'd come to me.. so I suppose I could check on him tomorrow IF I still don't hear from him by then. Seems way out of my comfort zone to go to someone's house uninvited though (never done that before).

OP posts:

Beautiful3 · 21/09/2019 08:19

I would leave him to it. Probably nursing a monster hangover today!

FredaFrogspawn · 21/09/2019 08:21

It does sound like it is a drinking session. I think you are right about not having been ghosted. But this pattern of behaviour is destructive and tends to heighten in times of stress. Hopefully he will make contact soon - and you may need to consider telling his the impact his disappearance has on you and find out how realistic he is about his problem.

Ohbuggerlugs · 21/09/2019 08:22

OP it sounds like he’s a twat when drunk - my DP all over. And it happens most times he goes out. So much so the level of anxiety it caused me kept me up at night. He’s once came home to me with his face bloodied unable to speak. He goes out every 3 months And that’s as much as I would be prepared to handle. Some men turn into teenagers and have no self control when it comes to a night out with their friends. And he sounds like one of them to me. I have went 24 hours without hearing from my DP and it was only then I text his friends I found out he wasn’t dead this was 2 years into the relationship. We now have rules of contact on nights out/weekends away and if he doesn’t follow them I’m rather fucking pissed off. It is my right to know he is safe.

Original poster

JaffaJane · 21/09/2019 08:30

Thanks everyone so far

@FredaFrogspawn Yeah I hope you're right. I know the signs are not pointing towards him specifically disappearing from me but my anxious tendencies always have me paranoid.

@Ohbuggerlugs Yeah you're right - it's just so ridiculous considering he's in his late 30's (not that age indicates maturity but still) and he is far more responsible in all other ways than most other men I'd met (very highly qualified, very skilled in everything including money management, packing for holidays, cooking, being on time all the time, being very chatty and open, not a "player", etc)

OP posts:

Ohbuggerlugs · 21/09/2019 08:51

My DP is all of the above runs his own very very successful sales and marketing company. Except he is younger, but still very mature - just not when it comes to this. Have you STILL not heard from him?

ittooshallpass · 21/09/2019 08:58

I’d knock this relationship on the head OP. It’s not fair on you. You deserve better.

Original poster

JaffaJane · 21/09/2019 09:35

@Ohbuggerlugs Yeah mine runs his own company too. It's odd that some people can look so "put together" on paper, even though they're very immature in other ways.

Yes I have finally heard from him! He responded to my text saying he is alive and that he went for a quick nap in the late afternoon yesterday which lasted till this morning which is unusual as he gets by on about 5 hours of sleep most days.

I did say it would have been nice if he had given me notice about cancelling our plans yesterday evening but that I was glad that he isn't in any danger.

OP posts:

Usernamealreadyexists · 21/09/2019 10:15

Sounds very odd. Did he ask to meet or did it end at the explanation?

Butterymuffin · 21/09/2019 10:19

Step back OP. He needs to sort himself out, you can't do it for him. Invest your time in other activities and people and take the pressure off.

Gardai · 21/09/2019 10:56

It doesn’t matter how ‘together’ someone seems so don’t let that be an influence. Ex ran successful business, talented, outwardly well organised and he was a boozy wreck who would disappear off the radar for hours/couple of days. It’s incredibly stressful to be around and you are only three months in. They don’t quite care enough about you/not prioritised. Get used to it if you stay with him.

Jingers5 · 21/09/2019 11:01

I think you need to set your standards a bit higher. It sounds to me like you are one of life's fixers. I would distance myself.

Jingers5 · 21/09/2019 11:02

Gardai is right on the money. I have been in your situation.....

Onacleardayyoucansee · 21/09/2019 11:11

Why are you wondering if you have done something? He has been really inconsiderate here. Not communicating clearly/leaving you guessing.
This shit can go on for years if you permit it.

Look up anxious attachment and see if that sheds any light.

Leave your phone at home and go and fulfill your plans.
Put yourself first.
If you have difficulty doing that (prioritising a 3 month liaison over your wellbeing) , its a sure sign all is not well with you.

Dieu · 22/09/2019 10:36

Constant messaging is crazy, it really is. All it does is cause huge angst when the pattern of communication changes. And it cannot be sustained anyway.

Adversecamber22 · 22/09/2019 10:49

That kind of sleeping pattern is not even remotely normal. It points to extreme swings of internal mood. People not being able to sleep then crashing and having an unnaturally long sleep. He is emotionally suffering form his last break up. Your early in the relationship you have to decide if you want to commit time to this. He will hopefully sort himself out but once he does he may decide it’s not what he wants. It sounds all a bit of a potential rebound relationship for him. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you but his heads in a very bad place. I don’t know your age and what your looking for if your at that I want kids and to settle down time of your life but if you are then think very carefully about this. Sadly liking or even loving someone isn’t always enough.

springydaff · 22/09/2019 11:20

If he binge drinks to this extent then it's not immaturity it's addiction.

I would assume that's why his marriage broke up.

Op there is no way to sustain a relationship with an alcoholic in active addiction. Hell on earth.

AlwaysCheddar · 22/09/2019 11:54

I couldn’t be bothered to deal with crap like this, especially in the early days of a relationship.

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