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Original poster

Kids seeing ex-in-laws. Should I be helpful?

37 replies

Aboyinabuggy · 20/09/2019 12:46

Interested to hear what others would do in this situation.

STBXH left me earlier in the year. Multiple affairs. General twattery. Left us (kids age 6 and 2) for a 23yo. He is 50. That relationship seems to have ended (unsurprisingly).

XILs aren't the nicest of people. All about money money money. Nasty about everyone. Constant criticism (of me, of the children, of any decision made by me). Hard work. Very demanding when visiting. I've always been glad when they've gone.

But STBXH isn't helping them come down to visit (they are about 5.5 hours away) - as his busy important single life takes priority apparently. He's in a two bed flat and the children share the spare room one night EOW.

I think they should visit one long weekend when he has the children, and they can stay two nights rather than one

But he's always got some excuse.

So they have messaged me saying can they stay with me, to visit the children.

70% of me thinks no way- they need to discuss properly with their own son to find solutions. Not my problem anymore. I've still got a lot of stress and shot to deal with, with what he's done. This bit is for him to sort out.

The rest of me thinks I should just be nice and suck it up...

OP posts:
TheBrilloPad · 20/09/2019 12:49

Nope nope nope nope nope. You KNOW you'll hate the visit, you KNOW they'll be awful. Don't put yourself through the stress.

Just say "sorry, no, that doesn't work, I can't have visitors stay at the moment, I hope you can sort out arrangements with ExH" and don't elaborate further

FrogFairy · 20/09/2019 12:50

No, this is up to your STBXH to arrange, on his time.

If you start this it will be difficult to stop further down the line. You will have all the work and expense of hosting them. They will be nosing into your life, what about when you meet someone else.

BenWillbondsPants · 20/09/2019 12:51

Hmm. This is difficult. One the one hand it would be the grown-up thing to do, particularly if your DCs want to see them. On the other hand, this will just absolve your ex of any responsibility at all and he won't see the need to accommodate them in the future either.

I think I would contact them back and say that you're unable to do that and you hope that their son is able to sort something out for them soon.

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HoppingPavlova · 20/09/2019 12:52

Christ no!

Usernamealreadyexists · 20/09/2019 12:52

Absolutely no way! This your ex’s problem. Even if they were lovely people, I’d still say no as this sets a precedent for the future. Your life is separate from your ex’s - keep things simple. You deserve to be stress free. Do not add to it out of kindness as you aren’t helping yourself. One of the great things I learned post-divorce is saying no. I’m in a better place emotionally because of it.

Chitarra · 20/09/2019 12:54

This is up to your ex to arrange and you should tell his parents that.

But if you do decide to “be nice” and facilitate this relationship for the sake of your DC, make sure they stay in a hotel, not your home, and see the DC during the day. Could you make it work for you - could they take the kids out for the day and give you a bit of a break?

roseunicornblower · 20/09/2019 12:55

God no your ex can sort out visitation.

TheArtfulScreamer1 · 20/09/2019 12:57

The 70% part of you is right his parents his problem to sort. I still see my ex laws from my first marriage (no children) as they are decent nice people (even buy my DH and my DD xmas presents) but I'd be absolutely NC if they had been how you describe your PILS.

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/09/2019 13:02

Nope. They can stay nearby and visit/meet the children. I wouldn't want them in my house until I felt strong enough, if ever.

Spingtrolls · 20/09/2019 13:05

Not a chance. Before you know it they will down every month. School holidays. Christmas etc. Then will come the family holidays.

I would just message them back. I don't know why you are contacting me about this. You need to contact your son to arrange a visit with him and them.

If they contact again - wrong person

Again - don't contact me again.

ShippingNews · 20/09/2019 13:07

I should just be nice and suck it up...

Nope Nope Nopetty Nope ! There is NO reason for you to "be nice and suck it up". Your ex and his parents can work this out , end of story. it
It's nothing to do with you. If you do this once , they'll think they can do it as often as they like into the future. This is THEIR son, it's HIS job to sort it.

NavyBerry · 20/09/2019 13:13

Goodness no!!! How did they come to their mind? Don't agree!

Belfield · 20/09/2019 13:14

No. Your stbxh has access which includes overnight so he can sort it with them. I'd message back and say that you are separated so any access is to be through their son. I'd nip in the bud now as will drag on. You've enough to be doing

Original poster
Aboyinabuggy · 20/09/2019 13:19

Oh, interesting! I think I was mainly posting to get a kick up the arse to facilitate this. I thought I was being too selfish and would benefit from hearing so. 😆

It would indeed be absolutely painful.

OP posts:
Soola · 20/09/2019 13:20

No I would not have them stay.

However if they are good grandparents and your children enjoy being spoilt by them then I would occasionally take my children up to spend the day with them, drop them off and do something nice for myself in the area.

This would cease the moment they were rude to me or my children didn’t want to be left because of any incident.

custardbear · 20/09/2019 13:24

Do you think he's avoiding them and trying to dump you with this problem he should deal with .... I'm suspecting this is the case ... say no, they'll be awful and spoil your weekend (life!)

Windydaysuponus · 20/09/2019 13:24

Risking your mh isn't beneficial to your dc...
A happy dm is more important than the sounds of exils!
They can book an air B&B and see the dc there if that's what you want...
Or leave it to ex.
I never facilitated exils and dc's contact..

QueenofallIsee · 20/09/2019 13:25

God no! One the massive upsides of not being married in your case is you are free of the horrible in laws! If they were nice supportive people then fine, they can whistle in this case

ImNotYourGranny · 20/09/2019 13:28

Nope, not a chance in hell should you do this. Direct them to their son as it's his job to facilitate this not yours.

Hooferdoofer37 · 20/09/2019 13:31

Noooooooo!

The BEST part about having an ex is that the ILs are no longer your responsibility, hurrah!

Rejoice in that, let it sink in a little, feel the joy.Grin

If they'd wanted a part of your life, they should have been nicer to you when they had the opportunity.

These people are not your responsibility and isn't it fabulous!!

Windygate · 20/09/2019 13:33

XILs aren't the nicest of people. All about money money money. Nasty about everyone. Constant criticism (of me, of the children, of any decision made by me). Hard work. Very demanding when visiting. I've always been glad when they've gone

Do not allow this. STBXH obviously isn't bothered about his parents having a relationship with the DC. If he wants them to have a relationship he needs to facilitate it.

Beamur · 20/09/2019 13:34

Not your circus, not your monkeys.
Given they're not nice to be around anyway and the current situation isn't going to improve that I too would bow out. This is your ex's family and he can sort this.
Shame for your kids not to see their GP's but I wouldn't put yourself through the mill to sort this out.

HaileySherman · 20/09/2019 13:34

I wouldn't do it. It's not your responsibility, it's his. The fact that they aren't nice people is the reason. If they were lovely people I'd be inclined to say help if you can without putting yourself out to much, but I can't see how helping your kids see people who are nasty etc would be beneficial to them in any way, so no, I don't think you're unreasonable to insist he arranges for it on his time.

Harriett123 · 20/09/2019 13:39

I'm going with the general consensus of no.

If you felt like being nice you could tell them that they were welcome to come and collect DC for a day out but that they would need to stay in a hotel or b n b ( that's only if you actually trust them alone with your kids).

LemonPrism · 20/09/2019 13:44

Why can't they just get a hotel?

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