Arm me with anti batshittery - my DM is coming to stay

[drspouse]

Answers please for:
Can I borrow ABCDEFGH that I own but thought I'd annoy you instead.
But why shouldn't I use your creams etc in the bathroom. Why is your soap so weird (it's shampoo)
Why doesn't DS' ADHD medication work better? Why is he not 100% compliant?

Why didn't you let me bring DN? I only asked 4 times. She's no bother (aka she's a teenager who sits on the sofa with her phone and if she comes I'll talk to your DCs even less)

Why is your lamp there? It's in the wrong place. Your sofa is so uncomfortable. Are you really putting that picture there?
I'll just sit in the corner and read my book and not talk to anyone.

I asked DS if he wanted to play a game and he said no.
No, I'm sure it's not because I'm always much more enthusiastic about seeing DD. She's just better behaved.

Why do you want to watch that TV programme? I want to watch Loose Women.

I'll help make dinner. Why do you want the veg cut up smaller? Your DC should just learn to be less fussy. What do you mean DS doesn't have much of an appetite? Have you taken him to the doctor? (See also: ADHD meds)

Why is DD crying? Why can't you stop DS looking at her funny?
Why isn't she dry yet? Have you taken her to the doctor?

Thankfully she will probably decide she doesn't like the shouting (mainly DS but occasionally DH or me, sad to say) and go home early.

Gosh. That doesn't sound fun. How long she (supposedly) staying for?

Oh I forgot
Is it spicy?
Are we having that for dinner that you've written on the blackboard? Is that spicy?
You work too hard.
Why is your DH cooking dinner, he's been at work all day.

make a bingo card and reward yourself with a treat if you get full house.

smile and nod.

She's coming at lunchtime today. She wants a lift from the station (she has hurt her leg and I totally sympathise).
We are going to the circus on Sunday afternoon and she doesn't have a ticket but she may go home in a huff before then.
Bingo card is an excellent idea.
Drinking bingo maybe.

Takes bets on when she’ll leave in a huff... you can an odds system that changes depending on how many annoying questions she’s asked, how well the kids are behaving, how spicy the food is, etc.

I feel your pain OP, my DM much the same. Thankfully I managed to stop giving a shit about anything she says or does - I just nod and smile and carry on as I was.

I know she’s batshit, her opinion means nothing to me, I’m choosing to maintain contact for now but I’m Teflon coated when it comes to her digs and ‘helpful’ advice. It annoys her beyond belief too that I don’t rise to it, which sad to say I quite enjoy (trust me, after all the things she’s done and said, I’m not feeling any guilt over that!). Works for me! I’d also advise getting this framed and put up in your house to remind you...

You have a blackboard? Can you wearily head over to it each time and make another line mark on it each time she says something, if she asks what you are doing say you are counting each time she insults you and/or your family.

Alternatively make up someone, like Barry, who has told you that ADHD meds are great, your DH should always cook dinner, and your soap is actually shampoo.

I'm with you op my own mum can be very difficult and judgy.
I usually try to 'not be able to take days off work' when she's visiting.

(my small victory is buying bedding and decorations for the guest room in a colour she hates

So this morning you need to go via your local supermarket and buy ALL the and all the . And maybe a book on breathing exercises.

I think what you really need is an answer for the question "Can I come and stay with you?"

That answer is No.

drspouse I feel for ya. Last time my mother stayed she drove me out of my own house.

Yesterday she phoned me to say 'WAAAAAH' then hang up so I didn't know what was wrong.

Has any coping mechanism worked so far? Does she come by herself? How does reflecting things back to her go?

Talk about Greta Thunberg a lot, hide chipotles in her shepherd's pie, fart and blame it on her.

She likes Greta Thunberg...

We invite her because she's DD's grandmother and DD likes her, and she's the only granny they have (DH parents are both dead and my DC are adopted so have lost a whole other family too).

It's worse if she comes with someone else as the DCs get really overwhelmed and my DM ignores us even more when she has someone else to talk to.

Oh I did try "why would you not want a relaxing weekend for the DCs" the fourth time she asked to bring DN.
We'll try that again I think.

Unless you're desperate to go to the circus give her your ticket. She'll love the time with DD. "Oh mum we didn't know you were coming until after we'd booked but it will be such a treat for DD to have you there and I've been before..."

You stay in and relax with wine, what you want on TV and a lovely relaxing couple of hours.

Otherwise smile and nod. If she says you work too hard ask her to help you cook dinner because you're so tired.

Generally make her feel very important and helpful.

If its any consolation (probably not) my mum is coming on Sunday. She'll critise my weight, placement of furniture (she once moved my bookcase books and all before I was even out of bed at 7am!! ) and probably the fact that DD is a typical sulky 13 year old... but I love her she's my mum and I will probably be the same one day if I'm not already and the bookcase looked better where she put it

I definitly turn into a sulky teenager when my mother is around!

She'd just get upset with DS and DH would be driven mad if she went to the circus. Plus, she'd refuse to go on the grounds that it would be too noisy and busy.

Hmm so either she strops off early or can be given a task to do (dinner?) while you are out. She should be happy to help if she thinks you work too hard.

Yes, she should, but she won't. She is, to be fair, older and less mobile than she was but she still goes out with the Ramblers.

Can I borrow ABCDEFGH that I own but thought I'd annoy you instead. No I've given it to my DM because you have your own.

But why shouldn't I use your creams etc in the bathroom.* They're made with cows piss.*

Why is your soap so weird (it's shampoo)* it's not meant to be used by knobheads so reacts badly on you*

Why doesn't DS' ADHD medication work better? Why is he not 100% compliant? He is normally he just doesn't like change to his routine

Why didn't you let me bring DN? I only asked 4 times. She's no bother (aka she's a teenager who sits on the sofa with her phone and if she comes I'll talk to your DCs even less) Because I already have to cook/clean/socialise more than I'd like to with one unwelcome guest

Why is your lamp there? It's in the wrong place. I like sitting in the dark
Your sofa is so uncomfortable. Shame, you're sleeping on it
Are you really putting that picture there?* Yep*

I'll just sit in the corner and read my book and not talk to anyone.* Good*

I asked DS if he wanted to play a game and he said no.
No, I'm sure it's not because I'm always much more enthusiastic about seeing DD. She's just better behaved.* Play COD on his xbox, I'm sure he'll show you how*

Why do you want to watch that TV programme? I want to watch Loose Women.* Loose women makes my brain hurt, it's too intellectual*

I'll help make dinner. Why do you want the veg cut up smaller? Your DC should just learn to be less fussy. What do you mean DS doesn't have much of an appetite? Have you taken him to the doctor? (See also: ADHD meds)* why don't you just pay for us to have a takeaway? DS can pick. The doctor said that's what's best for him.*

Why is DD crying? She's sad
Why can't you stop DS looking at her funny?* That's just his face*
Why isn't she dry yet?* Because she's young Have you taken her to the doctor? No*

Some bold fails but you get the drift

I'd just remind yourself repeatedly that in all probability your mother isn't neurotypical either.

Yep I also turn in sulky teenager who can only manage 1 word/ totally vague answers when I come into contact with DM. I like @AmIThough’s deadpan responses.

My DM beats all humans on the planet for judginess. I refuse to let her visit my home for this reason. Keep us posted.

I would be tempted to cook unspicy food like shep' pie , meat pie and chips etc and just before giving it to here add a good splash of Tabasco.
When she complains about it being spicy you can innocently asked your dc's dh if they think it's spicy , "no darling it's not" she will think she's going mad.

I'd just remind yourself repeatedly that in all probability your mother isn't neurotypical either*.

She's not related to my DS by birth, he's adopted. She's just rude (and possibly has some MH problems meaning she sees the worst in everything, but if she won't get help despite encouragement, that's not my fault).