Arm me with anti batshittery - my DM is coming to stay

[drspouse]

Answers please for:
Can I borrow ABCDEFGH that I own but thought I'd annoy you instead.
But why shouldn't I use your creams etc in the bathroom. Why is your soap so weird (it's shampoo)
Why doesn't DS' ADHD medication work better? Why is he not 100% compliant?

Why didn't you let me bring DN? I only asked 4 times. She's no bother (aka she's a teenager who sits on the sofa with her phone and if she comes I'll talk to your DCs even less)

Why is your lamp there? It's in the wrong place. Your sofa is so uncomfortable. Are you really putting that picture there?
I'll just sit in the corner and read my book and not talk to anyone.

I asked DS if he wanted to play a game and he said no.
No, I'm sure it's not because I'm always much more enthusiastic about seeing DD. She's just better behaved.

Why do you want to watch that TV programme? I want to watch Loose Women.

I'll help make dinner. Why do you want the veg cut up smaller? Your DC should just learn to be less fussy. What do you mean DS doesn't have much of an appetite? Have you taken him to the doctor? (See also: ADHD meds)

Why is DD crying? Why can't you stop DS looking at her funny?
Why isn't she dry yet? Have you taken her to the doctor?

Thankfully she will probably decide she doesn't like the shouting (mainly DS but occasionally DH or me, sad to say) and go home early.

@Usernamealreadyexists oh yes, she has the power to bring out my inner sulky teenager.
DH is no more tactful but he can do no wrong.

I would stop inviting her. She prefers one child other the other and this will eventually drive a wedge.

anti batshittery absolutely brilliant!
Keep a Top Ten of her most annoying comments.
You have my sympathy.
I had a very annoying Aunt whose Top Ten comment of all time was, ''Are you not going to bother to lose ANY weight then?''
My baby was 3 months old!

You do too much - square one of DM Bingo.
There's no need to shout - square 2.
That sounds complicated (makes face) - square 3.

Mum: am I not allowed to turn any lights on or off (poor little me, you're so mean) (we have Hue and DH is in the middle of setting up a new bulb)
Me: no, you can, he's just been setting up this one.
Mum: there's no need to be so rude.

That's four. I got another "there's no need to be so rude". Can I count two points?

Have an internal monologue runnning, in an Attenborough voice, describing her conduct to outside observers who have been never seen the like before.

It'll help you detach, and you might even start to see it as funny

The lesser spotted Granny has asserted her status by taking the best place on the sofa.
The man of the house, after circling a few times, has given up and gone to sit in the corner with his tail between his legs.

Ooh we have a passive aggressive bingo point.
Mum: where's the X?
I hand her one.
Mum to DD "I'm going to buy your mummy a better X"
Me: if you don't like that one, ask for a different one, don't talk to DD in a passive aggressive way.
(I'm not sure I've ever used that phrase before, let alone to my DM).

Introduce her to www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/3692913-to-share-the-things-my-BIL-has-moaned-about-whilst-staying-at-our-house-for-the-past-3-days and see who gives in first.

That would be excellent!

DH just accidentally locked her in the garden.
To be fair she knew we were about to go out and still went out there and sat in a spot where she could ignore us and we couldn't see her.

I'll add one of mine "you can't possibly paint the place in plain white, how about a lovely magnolia?"
That was world war 3. My dad eventually pacified her by saying I had picked white cotton "oh that sounds nice"
Dad to me "it's bloody white under another name"

Never in the history of calmIng down was anyone ever calmed down by their mum making "settle down" gestures and saying "calm calm".
Especially when they weren't worked up about anything.

But why shouldn't I use your creams etc in the bathroom.

Remove anything you don't want her to use to your bedroom for the duration.

Introduce her to this MNer’s BIL and let them complain to each other, to their hearts’ content. Sit back and enjoy the spectacle (with wine or gin).

OP you have my huge sympathy as she sounds like my mum! In fact I have a thread at the moment on how to deal with my parents! The “you do too much” while making more mess that I have to clean up is exactly her. Plus she is obsessed with taking children to the doctor unnecessarily. I love he idea of making a list of things she says and crossing it off but don’t think o have the nerve.

Ooh that does sound like her!
I'm sure this is boring everyone else rigid but it's making me feel better.
I told her earlier (after she said "you need to do X") "well you need to stop telling me what to do".

I think I'm up to about 8 points.

. You are doing well standing up to her .