Do you think I should give my 2 Dc the same early years 'lifestyle'

[themadhatterscat]

Ok name changed. Sorry for word title, struggling to describe it. Here goes

DC1 I have been a stay at home mum. Put him in preschool at 2 years old for two mornings, and now he's a preschool a few more mornings as he's now 3 years old. But I'm home with him the rest of the time. DH pretty unless. We have an outdoorsy life.

DC2 due early December. So I was thinking once DC2 is 1 years old I'd get a full time job again. But then DC2 wouldn't be with me, they would have to be in full time nursery. So is this unfair in comparison to DC1? DC1 will be in school once this happens.

I guess I am worrying about this plan, due to mum guilt. It's hard because I've done so much with DC1, and I would say his upbringing hasn't been mainstream. I did put him into preschool at 2 years, because I wanted him to have normal experiences too and to start to socialise with others. I don't want to isolate him. I suppose in contrast full time mainstream nursery from one for DC2 is completely different from DC1's more outdoor lifestyle.

Maybe it's hormones and I'm overthinking this?

It's up to you completely. I gave mine both the same experience....home with me until 3 years old then preschool.

Is there a reason you want to go back to work sooner with number 2? Money?

No you can never give second child the exact same up bring as dc1 cause second baby can never has u to themselves in infancy but the get the benefit of a more experienced parent plus an older sibling. They are different people not need to doing everything identical. If they both have love and security (which I am sure they do) then they will both thrive in their individual way. Do what works for u. Happy mum happy baby. The both have the same mum with the same morals and parenting style so regardless of what u do their childhoods will be similar. Pros and cons to both early return to work and early start in nursery and later return to work and later start into nursery. Dont think about it too much. Follow your gut. If works calling go for it. Good luck.

Halo well my second baby had a lot of me to herself as DD1 had just entered nursery when she was born.

The chances of either child remembering much of what happened before age 3 are pretty slim tbh. At that age little ones need security, love, practical care and nurture wherever that comes from.

Your DC2 won’t have the same experience anyway because you’re a different person after having your first child, and you can’t focus all your attention on them the way you did with your first, and you know more than you did first time around. There’s a theory that says no child in a family has exactly the same parents as the other children because so much is shaped by our personality, the child’s personality etc etc. I’m also not sure what you mean by “unconventional” upbringing in that if your lifestyle were so unconventional it would impact both DC anyway regardless of childcare choices.

I guess I’m saying you’re way overthinking it, the things that matter at that age are the love and care you give your child not whether they go to Forrest school.

I think it sounds like you really enjoyed the early years and feel quite nostalgic about the setup. I did the same with my first child and last child ( was at home, a few relaxed preschool mornings ) but my middle child was at nursery . Funnily enough I think I'm closest to the middle child now and she's definitely a very robust , happy child !

I don't think it matters

Early childhood is going to be enormously different anyhow for a DC with a sibling; and so lesser details, such as number of hours in a setting, pales in comparison.

But do think about what full time work would really be like when you have DC at primary at school. What before/after school care will you need, and how will you manage holidays? You have plenty of time to plan, so use it well.

And can anything be done about your 'useless' DH? Once you're working, he'll have to step up (you'll both be WOH, so balance of domestic duties needs to change, and he also needs to be active in the thinking/planning)

Every child has a totally different experience anyway.
I chose to work part time with both ds's and actually still do work p/t. But as others have said, if you are the 2nd child, you automatically have an older sibling, so irrespective of your personality, your life is thus different.
Don't compare. It's pointless.

I’ve given my three completely different pre-school experiences for various reasons, there’s 5 year gaps between them so things changed significantly. I don’t lose any sleep over it, and they’ve never mentioned it. They just accept that’s the way it is. If they questioned me on it, I’d explain the reasons behind the changes and my decisions.
Do whatever you think is best for the family as a whole and don’t get too hung up on it.

I’m the opposite OP. Went back to work after a year with DC1 and they went to nursery. Am on mat leave with DC2 now and DC is now at pre-school. I’m probably going to become a SAHM after the year of leave so DC2 will get more of me than 1 did.
But life changes, finances change. You can’t do everything the same. I could have stopped working after 1 but it would have been a strain and it won’t be now, so you make the decision based on where you are.

No, this is ridiculous. You can't possibly ensure everything is the same for each child, the same is not what fairness means.

Do what works best for your family at the time.

Think about it the other way - if you in retrospect found out that you'd made a massive error with DC1, let's say you just never bothered to do up the straps on their car seat (for some reason) and then by DC2 you had realised this was wrong, and felt embarrassed, but since you hadn't had an accident in the time, nothing bad had happened.

You would never say "Oh but I didn't do DC1's car seat up, therefore to be fair I won't do DC2's up either." That would be totally illogical and make no sense. Of course you'd do up DC2's car seat straps. The situation was different (you had more information) so you acted differently. It is the same with this.

Hennypennyhorror but u are still being a parent to 2 and not thinking only of newborn. My second got a lot of me too because 1st was at nursery and now 2nd is at nursery and 1st at school. My 2nd gets more of me then 1st did at her age because she is sharing with a school child who is out at school all day rather than a newborn in the 4th trimester like her older brother had at her age. So its swings and roundabouts. Not the same but it has benefits to being the first and there are benefits to being the second. Point in trying to make is it's different anyways so dont worry about giving them identical childhoods cause u cant. But both will be good.

Money is a big issue, and I feel I should return to work to get back to it and I did enjoy my career. I don't know if my career will be so enjoyable with all the extra juggling and I doubt it will seem so important, but I guess it's good not to be all consumed.

I have really enjoyed my time with DC1, but it has also been really hard work. So in some ways I'm apprehensive about the impending arrival and doing it all over again

Unfortunately it's about to get harder, so having a partner who ducks out if his responsibilities will become more of a liability. Don't get stuck doing everything at home as well as working (easier said than done...). Does he want you to work? If so, what will he do to make it possible by doing his share?

As others have said, one child is completely different to two anyway, so I wouldn't be so concerned over that part.

I think you need to see the bigger picture. It doesn't matter if your child goes to nursery or is at home with you. Both have pros and cons , but neither are going to make much difference to the person your child becomes and they probably won't even remember it.

It's a small part of their overall life and you need to work out which of the options on balance work best.

Also dont forget, your second child experience will be different just by virtue of having a sibling.

I did exactly the same with dd2.
Dunno if it was the right thing. As adults she is the more resilient if the two. With hindsight I wish I had realised how fast 12 months do and stayed at home with her another year.
But I found bring at home with 2 very difficult indeed!

My twins were in private nursery from 8 months, 4 days a week, then up to pre-school then school.

DS3 went to pre-school then school; DH was the SAHD (out of circumstance as he was made redundant - otherwise DS3 would have gone to nursery also)

I’ve never felt guilt over that. All my boys are completely well adjusted with no social issues at all.

I guess it depends on what you, personally, are willing to sacrifice. I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my life outside of my children.

My twins don’t even remember the nursery that they went to till three years old.

DH works 10 hours days plus commute of around an hour each way. So he pretty much misses most of the childcare. He sometimes cooks dinner for us and does DIY, lawn mowing, but otherwise I'm doing everything house, dog & kids. He doesn't really engage much on weekends which is a shame, I've tried to force encourage him to do stuff with DS, but it's his loss. He's a nice honest guy, but it's very disappointing. He says he adores DS, but it doesn't show in actions. So yes if I go back to work, it probably won't change much. I'd get a cleaner though. I just don't know I could leave it longer but then it's a long time without me working. It's a tough one as I know there will be costs to consider and pre and after school for DS, nursery for DC2 and dog care. I was a high earner before but I won't get back in as high now.

The other factor is that all babies and children are different. Some seem to enjoy nursery and others not so much. You could hold on before making a decision and see what sort of temperament your second DC has.

Most people have no memory of what happened before they were 3 ( despite what some people assert !)

All children have different lifestyles - even kids in the same family with the same parents doing the same things. Just live your life and don't stress about things like this - no need for any guilt !

Honestly, in your situation, no I would not be returning to full time work. I can appreciate your reasons why you might want to but if you did your DC wouldn't really have either parent at home, as your DH would be working and so would you. It sound like your DH is not very hands on and works a distance away so I guess it would be you that would end up taking the emergency days to cover sickness, trying to juggle pick up and drop offs etc. And remember the school day ends at about 3 so your DS would need wrap around care separately from your 2nd DC who would be at a nursery. That's two drop offs and pick ups every day. That sounds incredibly stressful.

Is there any scope for part time work for a few years at least? I'm incredibly lucky to work part time, I love the mix of working and being at home and it makes everyone's life much easier. It does come with much less salary but much less childcare too.

Is there any scope for your DH to take part time hours perhaps and you can share the workload? I know my DH won't/can't do this but for me that would the dream - both working part time.

My children had completely different lifestyles when younger, as in one living on the opposite site of the world with me staying at home for years and the other back here in England with me back to work after six months. They’re grown up now and I don’t think either of them have noticed!

I did put DC1 In nursery one day a week to give DC2 some mummy time (I worked as well).

See in contrast to what @MariusJosipovic says - I would definitely go back in your shoes. I would be going stir crazy having been a SAHM for that long - but that’s just me. I felt like with every day I was losing a part of myself that wasn’t just ‘Eliza the mummy of three boys’.

But it’s entirely up to you what you choose. It worked well for our family, my children settled with no issues in nursery. At the time I staggered my work so I did one day less although I can’t now remember exactly how I split it. I know I did Saturdays so I think I had two days off in the week while DH worked mon-fri. I also kept my twins in nursery when DS3 came along so I had some 121 time with him - which of course the twins never really got!

I think it's also inevitable for siblings to have very different early years lifestyles purely due to different birth order