Do you think I should give my 2 Dc the same early years 'lifestyle'

[themadhatterscat]

Ok name changed. Sorry for word title, struggling to describe it. Here goes

DC1 I have been a stay at home mum. Put him in preschool at 2 years old for two mornings, and now he's a preschool a few more mornings as he's now 3 years old. But I'm home with him the rest of the time. DH pretty unless. We have an outdoorsy life.

DC2 due early December. So I was thinking once DC2 is 1 years old I'd get a full time job again. But then DC2 wouldn't be with me, they would have to be in full time nursery. So is this unfair in comparison to DC1? DC1 will be in school once this happens.

I guess I am worrying about this plan, due to mum guilt. It's hard because I've done so much with DC1, and I would say his upbringing hasn't been mainstream. I did put him into preschool at 2 years, because I wanted him to have normal experiences too and to start to socialise with others. I don't want to isolate him. I suppose in contrast full time mainstream nursery from one for DC2 is completely different from DC1's more outdoor lifestyle.

Maybe it's hormones and I'm overthinking this?

I only found out when I was 38 that I had gone to full time nursery from 6 months old. Genuinely had no memory of it at all. So it really makes no difference to your child if you're at home baking cookies or they are in childcare, they can't remember!

My first son went to full time nursery at 7 months as i had to return to work for financial reasons. He stayed at nursery full time before starting school at 4.

Second son (differernt husband, more money around) stayed at home with me right up until preschool 2 days a week and then school at 4, so a completely different scenario.

Its made ZERO difference to them both (they re late teens now) and they can barely remember anything before school anyway.

I was bored shitless at home with second son and in hindsight should've gone back to work when he was 18 months as tedious feeding the ducks and endless Peppa Pig drove me mental.

Each child is an individual.
Family circumstances change.

In the holidays I book DC2 into some days at sports club. He loves the change of company and sport. It's DC1's idea of hell. He loves the arrangement as he gets a quiet 1:1 day with me while DC2 is there.
Treating both DCs in the same way would do them a disservice.

Work/ home balance is different as it's too young for children to assert much personality/ preference at that age group, and it's about the wider balance of family life. To the vast majority of children, it makes very little difference.

I did the same as you with DC1, 2 days nursery from 2years3months. DC2 started 1 day nursery at 16 months because I absolutely needed a break at that point (DS almost 4 at that age). He now does 2 days (22 months old) because I’ve started a college course, which I feel soooooo guilty about, because DS1 was home with me 100% at this age. BUT DS1 has just started school so now I get 3 mornings a week with just ds2 for the first time in his whole life (he naps for the rest of the school day) and I am SO loving it. But I feel guilt for leaving him at nursery and guilt he hasn’t had 2 years home with me alone. But he couldn’t have had anyway, given he’s the second born. I get a pang if guilt every time I drive away from nursery, but he loves it and I’m loving my course and my balance at the mo.

So. Can’t win either way really, there a mix of guilt and satisfaction in every direction. That’s motherhood I think!

I'm doing the same as you with DC1 and it does play on my mind. But - DC2 will have the benefit of you as a more experienced parent, and a sibling relationship. So things will be different anyway, and they may be a different personality.

I also totally relate to the "starting from scratch" fatigue - occasionally I'll be reading Peepo (it's always Peepo) to DD and I'll realise that DC2 won't arrived pre-programmed to be sick of that story, so I'll need to read it again, every day, for two years...

elizaPancakes I agree I couldn't be a SAHM full time and never have been, I work part time and have since my first DC was born. I'm not sure what you were saying was in contrast to me at all?

I DO think that for both parents to work full time, the DP already working extremely long hours far from home, with the children in different settings (one primary school and one nursery) sounds extremely stressful for everyone involved. It's certainly not something I would ever choose to do. It's not a choice for some people and I understand that.

I don't think it's about giving children the same experience - they will be different experiences no matter what. It's about what is going to be easiest/best for the OP's family.

Well, let’s say you do replicate the first child’s experience for the second, then you’ll have to feel guilty about being around when the eldest starts school but not for the younger..... where can you draw the line?

There will always be differences. If there’s more money available when the younger child comes would you stint because you couldn’t buy X for the older one?

Ultimately we have to do what works for our families, and given that you are the emotional heart of the home, think very carefully about what will suit you best.