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Original poster

How can I speed my son up?

47 replies

BWOB · 18/09/2019 21:23

DS has just started secondary.

He is wonderful and quirky and I love him to pieces - but his disorganised, slow, bumbling get up routine total lack of routine is driving DH and I potty.

He wants to leave the house by 8am. He has (so far) always managed this. But his method of getting ready is taking an age - up to 2 hours!

He has so far got up/had his alarm go off at 6am 6.10am Any time between 6.10am and 6.45am. He noodles around, flopping back on his bed, standing around, takes an age to get dressed. He wanders into the bathroom for a wee. Back to his room. Stands around a bit. Goes back to brush his teeth (sometimes needs reminding). Back to his room. Back to wash. Back to room. Gah!

He has (regardless of alarm time) not yet managed to get downstairs for breakfast before 7.20am. He has forgotten to do his teeth and wash. He needs reminding to get a drink. Do his packed lunch. DO the chickens (his only 5 minute job).

In is relentless and never ending. We feel we have spent the last 2 years of primary chivvying him to get ready and we are sick of it. We have done reward charts. Carrots (TV if done early enough). Punishments (no phone if he faffs). Got him to write lists/mnemonics to help him focus/remember. Nothing seems to have work. It may get better for a day or two - and then he is back to lolling on his bed faffing and bumbling with no focus.

But that is just it. Zero focus. 100% bumbling

We are now just leaving him too it.

But. his bumbling around impacts on the rest of us trying to get up. He is in the bathroom or interrupting someone else.

What the fuck can we do to get him to focus in the morning as, joking asideI am utterly sick and tired of it. Especially as we know he can get up quickly if a friend calls round....

OP posts:
Bellag79 · 18/09/2019 21:26

This sounds exactly like my year 8 son! Am yet to find the answer but please do share if you find out before me! Even after I have made sure he has everything laid out and ready for the next day, can guarantee socks, books, pe kit or even school bag has gone missing!

Original poster
BWOB · 18/09/2019 21:31

Oh god no @Bellag79. I thought it was something that would surely be gone by now- certainly cannot bare the thought of it lasting another year ...or more.....

OP posts:
Lucked · 18/09/2019 21:36

Straight into the shower with a timer? I had an American friend who brushed her teeth in the shower!

I wonder if you have to let him fail because he can do as he likes at the moment because he has mum and dad as a safety net.

Interested in this thread?

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Original poster
BWOB · 18/09/2019 21:41

Agree possibly about the letting him fail.

Trouble is, he is, kind of, being responsible in the fact he decided to get up so fucking early - even though he doesn't have to leave until probably 8.15 - so he'd have to really fuck it up to be late. So getting him to the actual place where he fails is going to take some pretty impressive bumbling.

I think the frustrating thing that he just doesn't seem to learn from bumbling morning to bumbling morning.

Academically he is quite bright - but fuck me his life skills are shocking.

DD, Yr9, on the other hand, has been exemplary from day 1 of secondary

OP posts:
Crazyladee · 18/09/2019 21:57

I completely sympathise as I foster care for a lady with a learning disability who takes 2 hours to get ready in the mornings. She is slower than a chilled out sloth! Whilst I know there are no learning disabilities with your DS, (that you have mentioned) one tip I can give you is to do as much as possible the night before. Like showering, clothes all laid out ready and also lunches. To shave time off the morning routine, she gets up and immediately gets dressed. She does everything she needs to do in her room before she goes to the bathroom to do her teeth and toilet. Only then does she go downstairs.

Could you try and make sure he gets as much done as possible the night before?

Blueshadow · 18/09/2019 22:00

Maybe doing his packed lunch the night before might help a bit. I was a similarly dreamy child. Time just didn’t register very much at all and I was apt to end up scrambling into the car with my hairbrush as I had left it all a bit late. I am excellent now though! The only thing that helped was having as little to do as possible - so dad would make me tea and toast, I would have made my lunch the night before and have my uniform already laid out and packed my bag. I found an evening set of habits easy, but not a morning one.

Redwinestillfine · 18/09/2019 22:02

Why is he brushing his teeth before he eats breakfast? (Misses the point)

Original poster
BWOB · 18/09/2019 22:03

We have done packed lunch tonight, and water bottle. So tomorrow it is just
getting up (teeth, face wash)
dressed and downstairs.

Breakfast (Homemade egg muffin is ready to grab from the fridge)
Letting the chickens out.

Surely that cannot take him 2 hours...........

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 18/09/2019 22:05

Does he have any other markers for (inattentive/non hyperactive) ADHD? Might be worth keeping an open mind/eye on as he goes through secondary.

Original poster
BWOB · 18/09/2019 22:07

@Redwinestillfine we have always been told you should not brush your teeth for an hour after eating as the brushing mixed with the acid in food can damage teeth - so teeth always before eating not after.

OP posts:
Original poster
BWOB · 18/09/2019 22:21

@BertieBotts no, not really. He can and does really focus on stuff/tasks and listens well if motivated. He can also get up super speedily at the weekend of he wants to go out and play 😀

So for mornings he wants to be at school on time but can't be arsed to just get on with the morning routine. He'd rather miss an hour in bed so he can faff about at a snails pace. Which would be great if it didn't impact on everyone else...

He is, mostly, only thinking about himself.

OP posts:
LemonPrism · 18/09/2019 22:28

Set reminders in his phone for a few days. 6.10 - shower. 6.20 - teeth and deodorant. 6.35 - dressed. 6.40 - school bag. 6.50 - breakfast.

With loud alarms.

Otherwise, if he's never late because he gets up so early then leave him to it. I think he'll get the hang of it as he gets older and more tired.

@Redwinestillfine doesn't everyone brush their teeth before breakfast? I couldn't eat with my mouth tasting that gross. You brush first thing.

Puddypuddy · 18/09/2019 22:47

It might be worthwhile looking up Dyspraxia.....Sounds a lot like my son.Plenty of brains but gets distracted very easily.

Redwinestillfine · 18/09/2019 23:10

You learn something new everyday! I always thought you only had to avoid brushing immediately after drinking something like wine (which quite frankly would taste disgusting anyway!). I may have to rethink my routine!

differentkindofpenguin · 18/09/2019 23:17

I'm also thinking dyspraxia. Sounds exactly like my sonandme

ShadyMeLady · 18/09/2019 23:51

You’ve pretty much described my eldest who is now 15 and still the same! Drives me bonkers. She has ADHD though and she cannot organise herself in any way, shape or form.

Her first year of secondary I let her “learn the hard way” as I thought she should be able to organise herself by then. Turns out she couldn’t, and she ended up with at least 4 detentions a week for forgetting various items and not doing homework! That was the wrong attitude and I regret doing it that way (although she wasn’t diagnosed until the end of year 7, so I didn’t know she actually couldn’t help it at that point!)

I set alarms, write lists, check everything off with her and most importantly I let her do it her own way. She’s very backward when she gets ready, but as long as she’s ready by the time she has to leave I don’t care how she goes about it. Unfortunately she’s getting worse with age as the pressure piles on with her GCSE’s.

I feel your pain though, it’s hard work!

ShadyMeLady · 18/09/2019 23:53

She’s the same about missing time in bed. She gets up at 5.45am just so she doesn’t have to rush, and she still struggles to leave at 8am Confused We live opposite her school luckily!

SunshineAngel · 18/09/2019 23:54

My partner's son is just like this, except he has just started sixth form. He's supposed to be out of the house by 8 to get the bus, and several times now he's missed it. He even tried telling us this morning that the bus hadn't turned up. Apparently his mate had text him saying that, but this was when he should have already left the house, so it's rubbish. My partner says we're not to take him to college every day he gets up late, as he needs to learn to accept the consequences (i.e. having to walk into his lesson late) and I find it SO hard to let him be late, but at the same time I don't know any other way to make him quicker. I've told him countless times to get his bag ready the night before, and to get his clothes out, and to shower at night instead of in the morning.. but it falls on deaf ears.

This morning was the first morning we made him get the next bus instead of giving him a lift to get him in on time, and it was horrible. But I hope it gives him a kick and he gets ready quicker. I can't spend every single morning asking if he's ready only to be met with "I just need to do this" or "I just need to do that" that I told him to do the night before.

So if anyone has an actual solution, do let me know!

Isleepinahedgefund · 18/09/2019 23:55

When you find the cure, please send some my way for my dd....

Seriously though, I immediately thought dyspraxia too. I am mildly dyspraxia and it follows that my Dd might be too. She has total lack of life skills too, she’s only 7 but when I compare her to her peers there’s a distinct difference.

EdtheBear · 18/09/2019 23:57

Does he get pocket money?
50p for every day he leaves the house on time. Seems to be working in my house.

lostonadustyrock · 19/09/2019 00:03

How’s his sleep OP?

user1494670108 · 19/09/2019 00:10

Against the flow. What exactly is the problem if he's getting himself up and getting himself out on time?
His way is different to yours, that doesn't make either of the ways right

bionicnemonic · 19/09/2019 00:25

Maybe if he got up later? If he felt the need to get lots done in short space of time it might focus him?

SlavesToTheKitchen · 19/09/2019 01:59

I'm not sure what the problem is apart from this But. his bumbling around impacts on the rest of us trying to get up. He is in the bathroom or interrupting someone else.

He is getting himself up early enough so he can leave on time. Sit down as a family and agree times when each of you can have the bathroom. Leave him to it.

HoldMyLobster · 19/09/2019 02:57

I don't really see what the problem is either. Like a PP said, agree when he can use the bathroom, and other than that leave him to it. It's not like he's doing mornings wrong - he's just doing mornings differently.