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Original poster

How can I speed my son up?

47 replies

BWOB · 18/09/2019 21:23

DS has just started secondary.

He is wonderful and quirky and I love him to pieces - but his disorganised, slow, bumbling get up routine total lack of routine is driving DH and I potty.

He wants to leave the house by 8am. He has (so far) always managed this. But his method of getting ready is taking an age - up to 2 hours!

He has so far got up/had his alarm go off at 6am 6.10am Any time between 6.10am and 6.45am. He noodles around, flopping back on his bed, standing around, takes an age to get dressed. He wanders into the bathroom for a wee. Back to his room. Stands around a bit. Goes back to brush his teeth (sometimes needs reminding). Back to his room. Back to wash. Back to room. Gah!

He has (regardless of alarm time) not yet managed to get downstairs for breakfast before 7.20am. He has forgotten to do his teeth and wash. He needs reminding to get a drink. Do his packed lunch. DO the chickens (his only 5 minute job).

In is relentless and never ending. We feel we have spent the last 2 years of primary chivvying him to get ready and we are sick of it. We have done reward charts. Carrots (TV if done early enough). Punishments (no phone if he faffs). Got him to write lists/mnemonics to help him focus/remember. Nothing seems to have work. It may get better for a day or two - and then he is back to lolling on his bed faffing and bumbling with no focus.

But that is just it. Zero focus. 100% bumbling

We are now just leaving him too it.

But. his bumbling around impacts on the rest of us trying to get up. He is in the bathroom or interrupting someone else.

What the fuck can we do to get him to focus in the morning as, joking asideI am utterly sick and tired of it. Especially as we know he can get up quickly if a friend calls round....

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 19/09/2019 03:02

If this is impacting bathroom use and your dd’s ability to get to school then either insist he sets his alarm earlier or ban him from using the shower until after she’s done.

Usernamealreadyexists · 19/09/2019 05:21

How is he academically and with sports? Could he have some kind of processing issue?

Ds is 8 and we have solved all our morning issues by buying him a stopclock and telling him he can have some screen time before school (which I never allowed previously) for saving extra minutes. 40 minute showers now take 5 minutes. 20 minutes getting in uniform takes 5 minutes. I’m amazed at the transformation. You mentioned incentives don’t work. Buy him his own stopclock and if that doesn’t work, leave him to it but rule out any underlying reason.

Crawley65 · 19/09/2019 05:31

I think he has too much time so no sense of urgency. How about setting the alarm for 7.15 am? This would focus his mind to do everything in a much tighter timeframe.

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enjoyingscience · 19/09/2019 05:41

He sounds like me! I’m just shit in the mornings. If he’s leaving on time, does it really matter? I always give myself a massive window in the morning because I know I don’t function until at least 9.

BoomZahramay · 19/09/2019 05:54

Not seeing the problem. You said he chose to wake up early and he always makes it out on time. How can you claim he's disorganised? Sounds like someone who knows themself well and has it under control. People like this tend to have logical, well-ordered minds and cope well in chaos and crisis.

Just give him a time slot for the bathroom to stop impact on everyone else and leave him be.

sashh · 19/09/2019 05:57

Well He has a system and he gets to school on time so, from his point of view his bumbling is working.

I agree with do as much as possible the night before, packed lunch, uniform ready, bag packed. If he has a shower at night then he only really needs to brush his teeth and wipe his face in the morning. He can brush his teeth with a mug of water and wipe his face with a damp flannel (maybe give his underarms a wipe too).

I like the stop watch idea. He could have a set time he is allowed in the bathroom so from 6.30 to 6.50 - with an alarm set, after that he is banned.

AJPTaylor · 19/09/2019 06:22

You need to stop reacting to it tbh. It infuriates you but he leaves on time with all that he needs.

CherryPlum · 19/09/2019 06:41

I don't see the problem. I take ages to 'come round' in the morning and like a couple of hours to slowly wake and get ready.

I am intrigued by the teeth brushing before breakfast, surely you do it after breakfast to keep your teeth clean until next meal. I can understand waiting a bit if you've had orange juice, which is very acidic, but I can't imagine not brushing my teeth after breakfast.

Anyonebut · 19/09/2019 06:48

I think having too much time is a problem in itself. Try getting as much as possible ready at night and give him only 30 mins in the morning, and have clocks visible wherever he is getting ready.
Some people only get their arse in gear when the deadline is short.

Frouby · 19/09/2019 06:49

My dd (now 15) was similar. I leave her to get on with it on the provision that the bathroom is free for dh at 6.15am and for me and ds 7-7.30 am.

He will soon learn that an extra hour in bed is nicer than sat staring for an hour. Also I don't manage her in any way in the morning. It's up to her to leave time for breakfast, have her stuff etc. Consequences at school are worse than me nagging her.

unknownn · 19/09/2019 08:35

this was my son.. nothing ever worked and as he got older he would get frustrated with himself, which didnt make sense to us because if its bothering him then sort it out right!? turns out 20 years later he has been diagnosed with a type of adhd, and it explains it all to a T... not saying your son does have this, but if you see no changes throughout his life, i'd get him tested to check if there is anything like that. We wish we knew earlier in my sons life, he was made out to be lazy and slow and non observant all his life and it really damaged him as he had no idea how to change the way he was. He now has help and he is a completely different person.

unknownn · 19/09/2019 08:36

also remember that adhd doesnt mean they have to be hyper and all over the place, there are so many different types and levels of it

ShippingNews · 19/09/2019 08:51

Sounds as if he is aware of the problem and is dealing with it by getting up early. I'd just allocate him a time for bathroom use, and make sure he sticks to that . Otherwise, let him deal with this in his own way and stop getting bothered by it.

Original poster

BWOB · 19/09/2019 15:42

Thank you everyone for your thoughts - it has given me some things to think about.

A couple of things to answers some ideas put forward:

He has too much time and therefore no sense of urgency I agree.
But having lived with this darling boy for 11+ years his ability to have a reliable "sense of urgency" is very dodgy He has zero! Unless it is something that he is motivated by (get x done and then you can watch a film/go to the park etc). Then you may get some ooomph. Or oodles of oomphh. Depending on how much he cares at that point. Or he may spend 5 minutes trying to argue why he should have to do x at all. Or wingeing about x

Dsypraxia - pretty sure not - he is very good at art and his fine motor skills have always been brilliant. Physically he is not the sportiest/biggest team player (small for his age which doesn't help) but he is OK and shows some great cycling skills/climbing/kayaking.

ADD - I will think and watch him on this though I am pretty sure it is not. I have had a look at the list of things that may suggest it and some fit but certainly not enough to definitely make me think of speaking to someone about it. But (see below) I think we need a good bout of him being on the right medication for his Hashimotos before I start going down this route.

No intention of drip-feeding (as I didn't initially think it was relevant) but (as above) he has got an underactive thyroid. Only recently diagnosed so we are still trying to get the right dose for him (hopefully there now) but I think I need to remember he has been living in a fog of utter tiredness and exhaustion for probably at least a year. We certainly gave him some "allowed to be tired and groggy" allowances when we first got the diagnosis - I suppose I should not assume he is not still feeling it a bit. And/or that his previous tired/grogginess has maybe set some behaviour/routine patterns for his morning and we should just let him be.

I have taken on board that, apart from the hogging bathroom thing (we we had discussed with him before bed last night) actually it doesn't matter. So far he is leaving for school on time at the time he decided he was going to leave. He gets to school early too - about 15 min before he needs to too. He is being brilliantly responsible in effect - he knows he is slow in the mornings and is adjusting for it.

We did also persuade him to set his alarm a little later this morning (6.30am) so he could have the 6.30-6.45 bathroom slot. That seemed to work (lots of praise). Still got downstairs at 7.20 and took 35 minutes to eat an egg muffin and then a mad dash down the garden to let the chickens out. He still was on his bike in time...

I need to work on not letting it bother me. He will find his routine (he likes routine) and we just need to let him go with it until he finds it. And as a PP said, just because it does not have the same flow as mine does not make it wrong.

OP posts:

Tulipsinmyvase · 19/09/2019 16:55

He sounds exactly like our DS who is 12 and diagnosed ASD. He has strong traits of ADHD, mostly attention deficit. He sits and stares into space. Mornings are particularly stressful for the whole family as we all have school and jobs to get to. I can only sympathise as it really puts your day off to a bad start.
We’ve had to insist DS showers only at night as in the morning he’ll shower and lose all track of time, then laze about in his towel with no sense of urgency. He needs constant reminders of what to do next and to stop getting distracted.
He rarely has time to sit and eat breakfast with us as a family and has to eat in the car while I’m driving him to school!
I worry about the future and how he could hold down a job without us there to support him :(

StockTakeFucks · 19/09/2019 16:57

I'm going to go against the grain here because 1. I don't really see the issue and 2. I don't think there's necessarily an SEN issue.

Some people "faff" in the morning, which actually means that they're not ready to be up and running yet. Their body might be up,but their brains takes a while to run at 100% so they split tasks up. I'm one of them .

Oh is up and out the door in 15 minutes. I give myself about an hour. Do I really need it? No. However I do enjoy starting my day slowly,I have a routine and by the time I'm out the door I'm fully awake and even a bit bored and ready to get on with everything.

I can make it out in 30 mins including DD ready,dressed and fed but I hate that rushed feeling. It's like I started the day on the wrong foot.

Witchend · 19/09/2019 17:07

Duracell batteries

If he's not impacting everyone else then it's fine. But if it is then he has to wait until others are clear or get up earlier.

StockTakeFucks · 19/09/2019 17:28

If the real issue is hogging the bathroom give him a schedule for it or a set time. If he does his things then ,good,if not tough, he'll have to wait until the end when everyone is done.

BertieBotts · 19/09/2019 18:16

Thyroid issues can look exactly like add so it's probably that there is still a hangover effect from that, in that case.

TreacherousPissFlap · 19/09/2019 20:30

Both DH and DS are like this, it's true to say it's just "different" to my morning.
We have a strict bathroom rota and the only issue is that we don't have a separate toilet so occasionally DH will be shrieking at DS to hurry up so he can use the toilet there's a queue.

Nighttimefreedom · 19/09/2019 20:39

I prefer to get up early and not rush in the mornings. I could easily spend half an hour at breakfast and I like to spend some time staring in to the middle distance hugging a cup of tea!
He sounds like he's doing ok and if you can get the bathroom sharing sorted then you should just leave him to it.

Nighttimefreedom · 19/09/2019 20:40

Should add my DS gets up late AND moves at a snail's pace! That's frustrating!!

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