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Original poster

Girl/boy friends going off to University...

32 replies

BertrandRussell · 18/09/2019 10:26

Anyone else got an 18 year old whose girl/boyfriend is going off to university and they aren’t?
Ds has been with his girlfriend for a year, and they are a very happy, settled couple- insofar as you can be at that age. She’s off to university on Saturday and he’s staying home. Anyone else’s child in the same position? Are they planning visits-optimistic about it lasting?
I’m in two minds. A bit of me wants her to end it so she can go to University free of ties and experience it to the full- but he would be so sad if she did. And how can I best help poor left behind ds?

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KittiesInsane · 18/09/2019 10:29

They might surprise you.
DS was in that position this time last year, and as far as I can see, things are still going strong.

MaidenMotherCrone · 18/09/2019 10:57

Slightly different as they (DS and his girlfriend) were both off to Uni. About 200 miles apart. They've just gone back for their 3rd year. Still going strong and I'd say they've both had the full Uni experience (you don't have to shag people to have a good time!). They've been together since they were 15. I honestly thought they'd drift apart but no, still going strong.

Original poster

BertrandRussell · 18/09/2019 10:59

I suppose i’m still thinking of the days when you had to write letters or queue for a phone box!

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18 years old Dating General relationships

shegoeshere · 18/09/2019 11:25

My ds1 and his gf have been together since they were 15. She went to uni and he didn't. She is just about to start her masters year and they're still together. Her uni is only about 30 miles away though so he often drives down for the weekend.

MissGiddyPants · 18/09/2019 11:30

In my experience it won’t last.

Is your son working?

SpoonBlender · 18/09/2019 11:37

Back in my day I was the only person who kept their significant other through to the end of first year - most people were out of their home relationships before Christmas.

Chatting with friend's kids, it seems a lot easier now to keep in touch and that reduces the feeling of being swept up in all the excitement of new people to bond with. So now it's apparantly like 20% of people who keep up their pre-existing relationship rather than 1%.

Original poster

BertrandRussell · 18/09/2019 12:03

I know you don’t have to shag to have a good time! But I worry about her spending time on SM with ds rather than going out exploring her new life. She’s not a party girl- so I think it will be very tempting. It’s not what I would have wanted for my dd. Although obviously it’s exactly what I want for my ds!

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IHaveBrilloHair · 18/09/2019 12:12

Dd's bf went last year, in our nearest city, she moved into his rented place a couple of months ago and they are happier than ever.
She's at college, not Uni, he's just started 2nd year, been together 3 years, although had a six month break at one point, she went a bit nuts, then settled back with him.

Friend of mine's DS has been with his gf 6 years, since 15 and survived a year apart when she went to India, then another summer in the USA.

SunshineAngel · 18/09/2019 12:18

I had exactly this conversation with my partner last night, as one of our friends has a younger girlfriend who is going to uni (the age gap is only a couple of years) whereas he works full time as a teacher.

My DH said it wouldn't work, as everyone goes to university to shag, and I said that honestly, although it goes on, it really isn't the main priority, and you can definitely go without even getting involved with that side of things. I've been and he hasn't, and I think he's been watching too many American college films!

I was in a r'ship (not this one) when I went to uni, and it held for the whole of my degree. It is certainly possible, but the one who hasn't gone to uni has to be trusting, patient, and should keep themselves busy as much as possible. It's easy for jealousy to creep in when you suddenly see your partner in photos drinking and clubbing, but it can absolutely work.

MadisonAvenue · 18/09/2019 12:22

My son's girlfriend of 10 months went to university last weekend. She's quite a distance away, a five hour drive, so visiting isn't easy but he already has plans to drive to see her in a couple of weeks.

I know people who it's worked for and people who it hasn't and I'm really hoping that my son and his girlfriend can get this to work. I've felt so sad and almost unsettled for him this week though.

MadisonAvenue · 18/09/2019 12:26

I should've added that when our older son went to university, just 10 miles from home, his relationship of 2 years lasted until just after Christmas in his first year.
He did have a very jealous girlfriend though who was having trouble dealing with him having new friends and was turning up at the university and halls on a daily basis.

Original poster

BertrandRussell · 18/09/2019 13:03

Oh well, I hope he’s not too sad. I’m longing for the days when I could cheer him up with a comic and a cake.....

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IHaveBrilloHair · 18/09/2019 13:37

My Dd and her friends/bf are geeky and love browsing comic stores and eating cake!

Adversecamber22 · 18/09/2019 13:54

DS wants to join the RAF and his GF is applying to University. They seem so right for each other I wish they had met when a bit older. If it survives then I will be very pleased but they are so young. All we can do is be there for them whatever happens.

Dyrne · 18/09/2019 14:28

I think maybe see this as an opportunity for your DS to work on his own future plans, and see his own friends etc.

When I was at uni there were a couple of people in my halls and on my course that had boy/girlfriends “back home”. It wasn’t so much the lack of snagging around, it was more that they didn’t really develop a life at uni. They’d spend evenings holed up speaking to their other half rather than hanging out making friends; and every possible weekend or holiday they’d be straight back home like a rocket.

I suppose it’s different for everyone, but I very much see university as a chance to spread your wings and develop into your own person, figure out who you are, make new friends, try new things. The course itself is almost secondary though maybe that’s why I got a 2:2

It will be hard for your son as well as she is going to have different experiences to him - I went to uni a year behind my school friends and I found it a bit isolating when they were all talking about lectures, student loans etc - I couldn’t relate at all.

KittiesInsane · 18/09/2019 14:44

The relationship that I know from my own era that has stood the test of time is one where both partners agreed that at uni they were free to have new boy/girlfriends. They did, but then got back together almost as soon as they graduated, much more sure that they weren't just 'settling', and have been together for the remaining decades.

Skap · 18/09/2019 14:49

DS had a g all through uni. She was from home town but went to a different university. She broke up with him right in the middle of his finals. He never really embraced uni life and I so wish they had broken up before uni.

MadisonAvenue · 19/09/2019 09:52

Bertrand I tried to cheer him up with a nice cream cake and ended up throwing it out after it had been in the fridge since Sunday 😂

He has at least had the distraction this week of getting a job offer for his first proper job, which he's been studying towards at college for the last three years. He currently works p/t in a supermarket, with hours which fitted nicely around his studies but his college course ended in June and while the free time in between shifts was nice over the Summer, meaning he could spend plenty of time with his girlfriend, it's not quite so appealing now.

Original poster

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2019 10:11

“I've felt so sad and almost unsettled for him this week though”

Yes me too .She’s going tomorrow so tonight’s their last evening together for a while. I’ve suggested he gets a couple of weekends between now and Christmas pencilled in so they know when they’ll see each other again. He’s very busy with one thing and another, so I think he’ll be all right. Even if his sad puppy look will break my heart.

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Foxyloxy1plus1 · 19/09/2019 10:18

My dd and her bf dated for over a year and after the first year, he went to a local uni. They split after a term. He left and started another uni further away, she went to uni the following year. They both had other boy/girlfriends for a year or two, but I became aware that they were meeting up again.

Now they are married with a couple of tweenagers.

Alarae · 19/09/2019 10:52

Slight difference to the circumstances, however I went to university and my boyfriend at the time followed me to my area. We had been dating for ten months when we moved.

Not once did I feel held back, but then again I am a creature of habit and much prefer home comforts to clubbing!

What worked for us though is that he was adamant he didn't want to intrude on me and only came to see me when I asked. He never said he was put out if I mentioned I was going out with my uni friends, as he didn't want to be the person to 'ruin' my university experience.

First year was in halls, second year in a student house. Third year we moved in together as I was annoyed by the people I shared with.

Worked out though as the boyfriend became the husband three years ago!

BarbedBloom · 19/09/2019 10:59

Some last and some don't. One of my friends just married his girlfriend and they got together at 17 and went to Universities on opposite sides of the country. We didn't see him much when she visited though . Another split with her boyfriend a few months after arriving. I was in a relationship at University as well and we were together for quite a few years after.

I think it depends on how well they manage long distance and whether she meets anyone else she really fancies (sorry).

I will say I work at a University and a lot of the students these days go a bit mad at freshers but then take it all very seriously rather than drinking and shagging all the time. They say it costs so much to go now they can't risk it. Quite a few are teetotal.

It depends on the gf anyway whether she is the party type. I would have sat inside on the computer or reading rather than drinking and partying whether I had been single or not. I was a boring older woman in a young body

Original poster

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2019 11:15

“I was a boring older woman in a young body”

Ds and his girlfriend are a bit like this- i’ve come home to find them cuddled up on the sofa drinking tea and watching Come Dine With Me! And in their last week together they’ve had a nice day out to the seaside and tonight they’re going to see Downton....

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lumpy76 · 19/09/2019 11:20

My then BF and I went off to different Uni's in the same city I then dropped down a year and ended up at the same uni as him. We're still together and have been married 19 years. My DBro met his DW in his first year - they're still together and married now for 23 yrs. It al depends on the people imo.

Original poster

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2019 11:37

He’s so sad today- it’s breaking my heart a little.

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