Parents who are Dds of unloving DMs?

[MrsNotNice]

Hi,

Just looking for positive stories. Did anyone have an extremely unempathetic mum who made them feel rejected as a child?

If so, how did you find parenting a Dd of your own? And how is your relationship with your DM now?

I read about trans generational trauma and it freaked me out. I’m expecting a daughter and my relationship with my mother is unfortunately unemotional and so I’m quite terrified.

Looking for hope

My mum's mum was catastrophically unloving and unempathetic. Beat her and her siblings and not at all demonstrative.
Conversely, she has been an incredible mum to me. Struck a great balance between love and 'discipline', is empathetic and kind. I think it's a miracle that she turned out so well rounded and naturally loving, despite her upbringing.
She took inspiration from my dad's mum (who she met in her mid teens), as she had no role model of good parenthood herself.

I know I love my daughter. I want to be fair.. I do not want her to experience what I experienced. I do not want her to feel less significant than her siblings.. I don’t want my affection with her to be forged..

I want to be able to kiss her just because it feels good to see her smile. I don’t want it to be a chore. I want to be able to tickle her feet and let her take from me as much as she likes just because...

I want her to feel safe to be herself and feel unconditionally loved.. without being restricted with my expectations or with my taking my parenting towards her so personal that she feels to blame if her little child self failed to make me happy.

But I... know I’m already struggling. I want to admit to this before she comes and it’s too late..

I’m already burdening her with my emotions and past.. Something I didn’t do with my son...

I’m already interpreting everything through the eyes of little me... or through the idea that “I want to be fair to her and treat her same as her brother”, so through the eyes of her brother..

What about her own little eyes.. how she sees the world??

I wasn’t given the chance to access my own emotions and feelings as a child.. so I fear I’m struggling to know how to respond to hers.. how to connect..

I feel like a damaged mother..

I’m only putting this out there not to be negative..

I’m signing up to counselling to deal with this issue. But it really helps to hear experiences about how to be secure about my parenting when I feel so overwhelmed.

I feel I can do this. I’m sure I can do this. But I feel I’m so premature in this journey and I want to be proactive. I don’t think it will come naturally. Unlikely..

The empathy that is. I’m worried the empathy won’t come naturally because I’m so clouded with my own past and emotions around my childhood...

I keep wondering whether I’m destined to be that narcissistic mother..

But I know myself and I know how much love I have for my children. I just don’t know why my emotions are controlling may logic..

I hear lots of people say how it’s all in my head. But examples before me of mothers who treat their daughters with lack of empathy , from friends to relatives, all seem to be carrying out a pattern they never set themselves to do.

I am signing up to counselling. To parenting classes.. I want to stay mindful of her until it comes to me naturally.

I know it might happen suddenly when I give birth but I’m so worried what if it doesn’t. It will destroy me.

So counselling. Parenting classes. What else can I do to stay mindful and make this experience about her. Put her emotions first. Despite being so clouded and depressed about being reminded about mine.

I haven’t moved on from my past. I never realised o needed moving on. It all suddenly heightened in pregnancy.. that’s when I realised I need to address them.. and I don’t want to be doing this at her cost.

I want simple words of wisdom that will stick. To be able to connect and empathise.

I don’t want to use my mother as a benchmark. Neither positively nor negatively. I want to be myself and want her to be herself. And let the magic happen.

and o don’t see that happen until I put my past to rest.. be at peace with it..

Sadly my mil is worse than my own mother :(

Another one over here!

My mum didn’t have a ‘good’ Mum to learn from. I’m determined to break that chain though.

When I found out that my third child was a girl I felt just as you describe MrsNot. It was a horrible pregnancy, but as soon as she was born I knew it would be fine and it was just the same bond I had with my sons. I'm sure you will be fine too.
I found reading parenting books about how to bring up girls helped me to feel like I was doing something with the mess of emotions. It helped a bit.

Like many of the PPs, I too had a horrific mother. to all.
Luckily my bf mum helped me when my mother killed herself.

I know how to parent. I do/did what I would've wanted.
It made me more protective, more helicopter but they know they are loved.

If anything the love that you'll feel when your dd is born will make you more distant from your mother as you'll never understand how or why she is the way she is.

Any recommended movies about mothers and daughters that could help keep me positive ? I wanna watch it whenever I’m feeling a bit conflicted

I know I’m pretty late to the game but...

You reckon maternal jealousy is a thing? I’ve always thought it’s impossible for a mother to be jealous of her own daughter. That’s just weird..

But I’m reading online that mothers who had a crap childhood could actually be jealous that their daughters have it so easy. I guess it emphasises their negative feelings about their self worth , why couldn’t they be loved or worth it enough for their parents to do that ? Sort of thing..

I’m starting to realise why the issue with my mum has nothing to do with me. But I wonder whats the solution !!

The solution is to care.

Give your children the childhood you didn't have.
Love them, be interested in what they say.

Make sure they know they matter.

My mother was a complete cow. I feel very little affection for her, she's now nearly 90 and has Alzheimer's which strangely has turned her into a sweet old woman. No longer obsessed with what people might think or cleaning up.

I parented much differently, I offered love, affection and time. I don't give a fuck what anyone thinks but can be a bit of a clean freak.

My mother had the most loving and caring parents, I don’t know what happened. She does have an official dc of Npd. She is still (in her eighties) a spiteful and divisive cow. I haven’t spoken to her for years. My 23 year old twin dds however are amazing. Funny clever , loving and beautiful. They FaceTime daily and come home regularly. My god I was scared when I was told I was pregnant with girls, I thought I would turn into her overnight, fortunately her mother pointed out that I’d been fine with the boys and would be with the girls. We’re all great. My mother is a bitter , lonely woman.

You’ll be fine op 💐

My mother had the most loving and caring parents, I don’t know what happened. She does have an official dc of Npd.

That’s strange. Did they find out what caused her Npd? Was her relationship with your dad good?

My god I was scared when I was told I was pregnant with girls, I thought I would turn into her overnight, fortunately her mother pointed out that I’d been fine with the boys and would be with the girls.

Really hope so. Thanks for sharing your story.

I do feel a lot more confident after trying to process everything and reading peoples experiences. I feel like it helped me accept that it wasn’t me and that what I was feeling was valid and I paid attention to my own feelings for once and I’m starting to feel like ...

Perhaps a lot of those parents that project on their kids is because they’re desperate for validation for their suppressed emotions, because they’re never had a chance to process them and be told they’re significant and normal.

I feel like I was a blink away from doing massive projections on my daughter because everything was so unconscious and I was so programmed to take responsibility for my parents behaviour that I could horribly see myself doing that if I wasn’t conscious.

I’ve had to do a lot of digging as all my revelations of stepping out of my scapegoat role has been coming to me the past two months and so I’m processing things so quickly.

I must say I was feeling ashamed of my feelings which is why I buried them because these feelings of ever daring to think my parents have wronged me, were never welcomed at our family but instead met with extreme rage.

I often wonder when people talk about narcissist having deep shame, I wonder if it’s the same type of shame I was experiencing.

I’m empathetic in nature so that’s the only thing I have to keep reassurinfnme that I’m not going to suddenly find out I’m a narcissist when she is born.

I feel a lot more relieved that I’ve allowed my feelings to resurface so I can deal with them like an adult and remove all the stigma fed to me as an infant/child by parents who weren’t looking at my best interest at that time.