Parents who are Dds of unloving DMs?

[MrsNotNice]

Hi,

Just looking for positive stories. Did anyone have an extremely unempathetic mum who made them feel rejected as a child?

If so, how did you find parenting a Dd of your own? And how is your relationship with your DM now?

I read about trans generational trauma and it freaked me out. I’m expecting a daughter and my relationship with my mother is unfortunately unemotional and so I’m quite terrified.

Looking for hope

Reason I get scared is because I attribute both my parents extremely bad parenting to their childhoods,

Mother suffered severe emotional neglect and it has shaped her even though she was conscious of it. Dad sufferer physical abuse and he was scared of having kids but ended up doing exactly the same.

I want to excuse them at times because I know they tried not to be their parents but failed. But it scared me.

I wasn’t conscious of how bad my relationship is with my mother because I blamed myself for ages for how she doesn’t like me. Until recently when I stood up for myself and discovered she has a problem

But one thing to be aware of is that parenting your own daughter will bring up emotions from your own childhood as well (I had PND and some of that, I am fairly sure, was from the return f abandonment and misery from when I was a baby).

Yes this resonates. I am experiencing prenatal depression because the idea of having s daughter has brought up emotions in me I never thought I had.. feeling rejected and abandoned and realising no one was really there for me.

I’m so scared of pnd after delivery.

I really just want things to be as natural and loving as possible.

My problem is I never realised the situation until now, pregnancy. I’ve grown up always thinking I’m the problem.

To echo unwravellingagain I think it might be worth exploring some sort of talking therapy to run alongside having your daughter. I had a hideous childhood and like you, understand my grandmother treated my mother the same. I was so terrified I was destined to repeat this and I think it was a very big part of my PND.

Thankfully, DD and I have a really close bond, but I find that makes my own experience all the more painful. For example, when I cuddled her as she cried inconsolably, I found it so upsetting to know that my own mother left me to cry. When she is dancing and singing, looking for some recognition from me - it breaks my heart to remember how it felt to be told off for that. I cannot imagine hitting her or telling her all the things that are wrong with her and how she’s ruined my life.

I think having your own daughter could also make you see just how awful your own mother was - it’s important to have a structured way of coming to terms with it

Oh gosh SteveHarrington exactly, exactly, exactly.

Let her be herself and love her for that

That’s beautiful. And maybe that’s how we should think about ourselves as well.

I’ve grown up always thinking I’m the problem.

Yes. This. I've only just realised that my mother's disinterest in spending time with me as a child caused me problems, the risky and dangerous behaviour as a teen was not my fault, that I was just a child.

I try hard to be different, I don't always succeed and I'm about to start CBT to deal with the here and now and one day I'll get round to counselling to deal with the past. From the outside it was a perfect childhood.

Another one here for "you are not your mother".

As children in the 70's my DSis & I received very little affection from our family, including parents & grandparents, aunts & uncles.
It wasn't abuse at all but I felt it as a lack of being loved.
It struck me recently that I didn't actually have a happy childhood, life was more about simply getting stuff done.
As a result, I had (& have) very little self confidence & have always been prone to anxiety & depression.
That it was my DD who made me realise this, as I watched her playing, made me feel both deeply sad (for myself) & extremely happy (for her).

That you are aware of your own situation, OP, is a huge positive & can only benefit your DC. I strongly suspect that you will have happy, confident & well-adjusted children who know that they are deeply loved - they will be so lucky to have you as their Mum.

I actually never wanted children as I thought I'd be a terrible parent due to my own childhood. When I first found out I was pregnant I worried I would be the same as my mother and wouldn't be capable of loving my own child. But I was fiercely protective of DD and loved her right from the start and that love just grew and grew.

DD and I have a great bond, I absolutely adore my little baby (well, she's 10 now), she's my little best friend. She knows I would never hurt her (sounds like a strange or obvious thing to say but I'm sure those of you who grew up being abused will understand that constant fear and I'm glad my children will never ever experience that). I brought her into this world, I will always take care of her and support her, she knows that. I'm far from the parent I wanted to be (mainly my mental health) but DD (and her bro) know that their happiness, health and safety come first always and most importantly they know they're so so loved and are my whole heart.

DM father had a traumatic childhood, DM says her father abused her as a child and DM abused me but I broke the pattern.

Me.

I was so worried about being a mother to a daughter when I was pregnant with my first, that I was incredibly relieved when I realised I was having a boy.

I know that makes no sense but for me it felt important that I could start “afresh” and not use the basis of my own mother/daughter relationship for mine with my dcs.

But I have struggled a lot - things like not understanding why my mum did what she did etc (although now I do, as she struggled with mental health issues and she was orphaned at a young age).

I could do things better but I’ve tried hard and been very mindful. I’ve now also got a daughter and have to really remind myself to connect emotionally, to listen and not ignore - even if her concerns seem minor to me!

I'm in this club too. It's hard to describe my mother, she was emotionally unavailable and never once praised me or showed me love, she would subtly put me down when she got the chance. But she did most of the right things otherwise so what it looked like was not what it felt like.
I had two boys before I had a daughter. It was having a daughter that scared me, but as others have said, I found out I was not my mother. I'm very close to my daughter, she's confident and knows she is loved.

The main problem has been that I compare my daughter's experience to my own childhood. I feel so sad for my small self and I realise how fucked up I am because of it. It doesn't go away.

Don't worry!

I found having a daughter extremely healing. Yes, my mother showed me exactly how not to parent, and I can feel sorry for her now on what she missed out on by her attitude - the best way to sum her up was spiky.

If you're already thinking this through, you'll be fine. Really, I would strongly advise you to think as positively as you can.

I find myself thinking more about what I say and how I say it because of my own first-hand experience of being 6, 7, 8, 9 and being treated poorly, being shamed or shouted at. I remember how those feelings are created and I KNOW how important it is to be encouraging, laid back about mistakes, or just to be cuddly. You do too!!

I can't help thinking sometimes that my children are benefiting from my experiences in that way... even though there will be plenty of other stuff I'm doing wrong I know.

A lot of us, who had this sort of childhood, worry constantly about what sort of mothers we will make. I loved my children so much but inside I just thought that they would not like me when they were adults.

One thing my mother taught me, was ‘how not to be a parent’. My children are approaching their 50s. We have always had a great relationship, even through their teenage years. I have cared for them to the best of my ability and am rewarded by having such deep joy in their friendship and their respect.

I have a large horde of grandchildren and a few years ago we were all together to celebrate a significant anniversary. In a speech, the eldest said that, ‘when they had been on a night out, just after the first had got married, they talked about having children of their own’ They all agreed that they wanted to give their children the same childhood as they had enjoyed.

Those few words made me realise that I had thrown off the horrors of my own childhood. Things like, my brother and I hiding under the table with the table cloth making a tent. This was in the hope that my mothers cruel words would not reach us. Praying fervently that my brother would not cry or wet himself, making her angrier. Sobbing in my room, because yet again she had threatened suicide. So many more things that I have never told anyone in real life.

It is possible to throw of the childhood trauma by not believing you are the person said you were.

That is lovely FLO.

Sorry haven’t read all posts but nc with dad for 30+ years and haven’t set eyes on mum for 2 years no bad thing as the older I’m getting the more I realise how bad she is, I’m a bloody good mum, too good, self sacrificing martyr comes to mind which can come with its own problems and I blame her for that

Can so resonate with this. Kept it together after having first DD but after second became so scared I couldn't "control" everything in my life anymore (had been a coping mechanism) and was terrified of taking it out on my girls.

Started counselling once a week when second was 3 months old. 60 minutes of time for me followed by a takeaway coffee in my car and 20 minutes to decompress afterwards and that saved me and made me the not perfect but best I can be parent to my girls.

Not sure how your childhood shaped you but for me to accept l AND my girls do things "not perfectly" and life is still great (genuinely great) was the biggest achievement of those counselling sessions!

That should read ‘the person she said you were’.

One other strange thing that I have just remembered. After hosting a family birthday party I was lamenting to my husband about how, yet again she had been so overly pleasant to everyone yet so horrible to me. She was a master at throwing out disparaging remarks and then laughing as if it was a joke.

My MiL overheard and said, “ take no notice, your mother is a bully. She is eaten up with jealousy of you”. I was shocked that my quietly gentle MiL would say such a thing. I just assumed that everyone bekieved Mother was right . It never occurred to me that mother was jealous.

I have similar worries OP. My relationship with my mum isn't neglectful or abusive but it's so, so far removed from the one I want to have with my daughter. I've found Philippa Perry's The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read very useful.

I'm not close to my mum, she's not a awful person but she also wasn't the best mum, she had MH issues and in a way blamed/involved me too much for issues with my dad (not been around, not contributing financially)
I vowed that my DC wouldnt ever feel the way I did, un-loved and in the way I would do everything the opposite to my upbringing.
My eldest is almost a teen, we are very close and has never felt the way I did.
Take your upbringing as a lesson on what not to do, you will have the empathy and understanding not to let your DD feel the way you did, you will be there for her and show her unconditional love, because you know what it feels like not to get it.
You will do fine, the fact your even thinking about it shows you will be a great mum, your already showing the empathy and love your worried you won't have.

DH and I were talking about this the other day as there was never any affection from my mother during my childhood. To say that she was distant would be a massive understatement though i think i know why (too outing).

We still don't have much of a relationship but i've accepted that and realise that i am not the cause of it. I still see my parents most weeks (relationship with my dad is ok) but mostly because i feel an obligation to now that they're elderly.

My own style of parenting has been completely different. I'm always there for my DD and have supported her unconditionally. She's nearly 18 years old but if she needs me to climb into bed next to her for a chat and a hug, i'm there for her (and for her brother too).

My mum wasn't awful, but I knew from an early age that I was not the favoured child, both my parents were very very controlling of me and I was under so much pressure to 'achieve' whereas my brother had freedom and financial support. That has given me a lot of issues as an adult, and also informed my decision to not have more than one DC. I've had no issues as a mother to DD, she is my world. I think having struggles with your own parents can help you avoid making the same mistakes. I'm sure I'll fuck up somehow, we all will, it will just be in a different way to the one we experienced.

While I was pregnant with my first I hoped for a boy as my Mother was awful with me growing up, As hers was with her, I didn't want to keep that vicious circle going.
I had a DD, She is wonderful and I am a fantastic Mother to her. I basically do and say the opposite of what my Mother would have done.
I owe my Mother a great deal as she showed me exactly what NOT to do.
Easier said than done OP but try not to worry, You will be amazing.

I had a horrible relationship with my mother. She was unloving, uncaring, just awful. My relationship with my daughters couldn't be more different. I am the complete opposite.

My mum wasn't as bad as some here, but there's plenty that I won't be copying, put it that way.

No 1 of which was that she would talk all through the drive to school every day about the abuse doled out to her by her own parents and her first husband (e.g. telling us, a 6 and 8 year old about how our older brother used to scream as her husband beat her).

She was and is a damaged woman, but I think the cycle is broken with my sister and I. My sister is a very loving mum, and I know I won't do as she did.

I think my attention span is fucked for life though. She monologued so much when I was a kid that I zone out really easily.

Wow, agree with all these posts.

You often hear people talk about how they'd die for their mum, how she's they're best friend, but I never had that and have no idea what that's like.

Our relationship was more like a stupid puppy she got for Christmas, got bored of and kicks away as it irritates her when it does what puppies do. And the puppy keeps coming back for affection.

I think I turned out a decent mother and absolutely agree it shows you what not to do. I can't wait for DD to have the happy home life I didn't really have.

I had an un-empathetic mum, and whilst I don’t have any daughters, I do have three sons, and I think that the lessons I took from my childhood (how not to be a mum) applies just as much to me parenting my sons as it would have done if I had had daughters.

I am 100% sure you will find the same thing, @MrsNotNice - you are clearly very self-aware and emotionally mature, and I am sure this will be reflected in your parenting.

I also think that the vast majority of us are good, loving parents - not perfect, no-one is that - but we put our children’s needs first and care for them in a loving way, as a parent should. It is sad that some of us didn’t get parents like that - but it doesn’t have to be a perpetual cycle - there are plenty of us who prove that - we’ve had uncaring parents but have gone on to be good, caring, loving parents ourselves.

I am not sure I am making sense - but my main message is that I don’t think having an uncaring parent means you will be one, OP.

I wish you all the happiness with your lovely baby when she arrives - and like I said, I am sure you will be a loving and caring mum.

Wow this was a therapeutic read. I had not realised how common it is to feel this way!!. I suddenly feel calmer knowing I’m not alone.

But I still have a nagging feeling that I need to do something.

I think I want things to flow naturally and not let the challenges of parenting destroy my confidence. I don’t want to expect myself to be the perfect parent, but I want to be able to trust myself.

I’m a good parent to my son. Quite good actually. I make mistakes but the bond comes sooo naturally and the instincts drives my confidence. If there is anything I’m not insecure about in this world it’s my love for my son and me devoted parenting.. I’m not a perfect parent to him and I’m able to examine my mistakes and grow as a parent without it knocking my confidence. I’m able to accept that I’m a good mum despite my flaws and that I’m always striving to be my perfect self.

But I’m just so insecure about my relationship and bond with my daughter to be.. from pre conception, to pregnancy... I’m suffering anxiety about my parenting.. I’m searching for answers about how to ensure I don’t screw up.

Yet I already feel like I’m falling in my mothers mistakes...

She had the deepest most flawless empathy with my two brothers. She never had to put effort to cuddle or kiss them or show them affection.

It was just me. She isn’t cruel... I think she realises but for her it’s tooo difficult.. she is a damaged person.. it’s too difficult to be happy for me when I have a better life than her. Too difficult to feel sorry for me when I suffer serious abuse, because she had no one there for her...

I’m so scared that I already see myself as different with my son and daughter.. I want it to flow. I want to have that natural bond. I don’t know why I’m suffering ptsd and anxiety and remembering myself and my childhood in this pregnancy when it should be about her.. why am I already projecting. Why am i putting expectations of myself and my relationship with her and not letting things be.. why am I so insecure..

Why are my emotions clouding this experience. Why am I not able to just be in the moment and instead reliving the past and fear of the future. Why am I constantly having to be logical about how to nurture a relationship .. I never had to do that. I just let my heart lead the way with my son.

Why am I already differentiating.. I feel sorry for my daughter. I’m already being such an emotionally absent mum becshde I’m so stuck in my own overwhelming emotions and having flashbacks about my own relationship with my parents.

I want to address this..

Plz don’t judge me.