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Original poster

Unplanned pregnancy, need to talk it through.

34 replies

Confusion77 · 17/09/2019 23:29

I can't believe I'm typing this. I've name changed.

This evening I have taken pregnancy test. Positive, no doubts about it.

Dtd 31st August late at night. Again, unplanned, not much wanted. Took MAP Monday a.m. 2nd Sept.

My cycles are a bit hit and miss but the usual way is for me to have shorter cycles, longer periods. Have had some spotting. Bought tests today and here we are.

I have 2 DC, 2 and 4. Split up from husband for almost 2 yrs. He's emotionally abusive, manipulative, moody, controlling. It is him that I dtd with. Once. No one else at all.

I work pt. Rely on family for 2 data childcare. Not yet divorced but planned to do so as soon as 2 yr separation is up.

I have had reasonably difficult pregnancies with very large babies.

That said, under different circumstances, I think I'd go ahead. But the circumstances are as they are and I can stand the thought of thing myself to stbx even more. I don't know how I'd cope physically, or mentally. I can afford to stay in this house after divorce, but would need to move if I had a 3rd child. I'd need a bigger car, it's a struggle to get 2 car seats in mine . I haven't got the money for all this. I can't afford maternity leave on part time wages.

I just can't believe it. It's so upsetting.

I had a surgical termination when I was young, pre children. It really didn't affect me at all. No grieving, nothing. Looking back in horrified as I think It was relatively late.

There's no way I could do that now. It's 2.5 and since dtd, so can't be more than 4.5 weeks.

Someone, please talk to me and be kind. I know I was stupid to allow this to happen but felt I didn't have much choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusion77 · 18/09/2019 05:34

Anyone at all? I have no one to talk to about this.

OP posts:
namechangedforthisinparticular · 18/09/2019 05:39

Hi op

Do you mean you couldn't have a surgical abortion? You can have the medication if you don't want surgical. It sounds like having another baby with your ex would be detrimental to your health and lifestyle.

Sorry this has happened. Thanks

namechangedforthisinparticular · 18/09/2019 05:40

Op what do you mean you felt you had no choice? To have sex with him?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
Confusion77 · 18/09/2019 05:45

Yes, that's what I mean. It's not that that I'm really worried about at this stage, I hope you understand. I feel wretched. Yes I couldn't go through with a surgical abortion so it's good I know so early. I was researching last night and it seems it can take several weeks to be seen. I really hope that doesn't happen. I'm devastated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusion77 · 18/09/2019 05:46

And do you know what? I knew this would happen. I took the MAP, I read that it works by stopping ovulation and I thought "but what if I've ovulated already?" Looked at the timings and I knew it wouldn't work.

OP posts:
IVEgottheDECAF · 18/09/2019 05:47

Hi op, sorry to hear you have found yourself in this situation. You should be able to access some counselling through your gp. I think you perhaps need to weigh up the pros and cons to having the baby

Also, did you give consent?

namechangedforthisinparticular · 18/09/2019 05:51

It sounds like you didn't consent op? I think you need to report him and get some support from Women's Aid or Rape Crisis.

rapecrisis.org.uk

Would you consider a medicated abortion?

www.mariestopes.org.uk/abortion-services/medical-abortion/

You must be feeling so stressed. I really feel for you.

Original poster
Confusion77 · 18/09/2019 05:52

I just can't see how I'd manage with a 3rd, regardless of all the stiff with my ex. I felt (apart from this incident) that I was finally managing to get him to understand that it's over.

This all seems so much harder, now that I've got children.

OP posts:
namechangedforthisinparticular · 18/09/2019 05:56

What's been happening over the two years? Does he harass you? Does anyone know about his harassment?

Original poster
Confusion77 · 18/09/2019 06:01

I'd say low level harassment. Periods of constant, long texts. Rambling. Declaring undying love and how great the future can be. I've just been mostly ignoring it, to keep the peace, as we jointly own the house .

But I'm.ready now to move on and get all that settled, but now This

OP posts:
Silvercatowner · 18/09/2019 06:43

Poor love. I'd contact Marie Stopes ASAP and access some counselling.

Michellebops · 18/09/2019 06:46

Here offering a hand hold.

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Speak to your gp, I'm sure there is tablet options instead of surgery.

You have to do what's best for you and your health.
❤️

ShippingNews · 18/09/2019 06:59

Do what is best for you, OP.

Either surgical or medical abortion would be fine at this stage. You certainly don't need to go through with this - your ex could be quite unpredictable if he found out , and your life would certainly be worse off if you continued with the pregnancy.

Sending my thoughts and a hand hold .

fsk53 · 18/09/2019 07:12

I'm so sorry for you. It's an awful situation and it's not your fault. Only you can know what is right for you, although you may well always feel it was wrong - even if you have the child.
My sister has had one surgical and one medical. When I felt I couldn't have a third she told me to ask for surgical because she found medical very traumatic and the guilt induced by seeing it was hard. Bpas will push medical and obviously it's much quicker, but waiting for the surgical appointment gave me time as well, and in the end I cancelled and told my husband we were having it. It destroyed my career (getting terminated on my contract because I'm too tired), but we can live from his income. Utimately we were only worried about birth defects so we did the harmony test privately.

stucknoue · 18/09/2019 07:13

Can I reassure you that a surgical abortion at 7 weeks (I was told this is the earliest date that they did them then) is simple, quick and I walked out and went shopping for the family food shop and drove home. Sometimes there's times when it's simply not feasible (my dd had already been diagnosed asd and was non verbal, my other was going through diagnosis, slip ups happen, he got the snip shortly after). Talk to your gp or practice nurse potentially, it will vary by area but 2-4 weeks I've heard here

Tiredtessy · 18/09/2019 07:32

Just be careful this isn't an ectopic pregnancy as same happened to someone I know after taking MAP, you can also opt for general anesthetic for a termination I think as I know personally how horrific it Is. If you do go ahead are you betting all the benefits wtx you are entitled to?x

meccacos2 · 18/09/2019 07:51

Hi OP, a few months ago I had an found out I was pregnant (unplanned).

I always thought I would never ever have a termination, but I seriously contemplated it.

Like you, I worked part-time; I was very sick (chronic illness and several surgeries during a 6 month period), living with an abusive family member (sister) and there was no way I could afford it on my own. I was on medication which had the potential to cause birth defects. I also had (still have) a small amount of debt which seemed huge in the circumstances.

It was a very very tough time.

I was very lucky to have an understanding GP who told me all my options, I went to a specialist, I also had counselling.

I’m keeping the baby and only told family yesterday. The outcome of that: I’ve been cut off by my abusive sister. Pure relief. I was sick of providing her with free childcare and having to deal with her bat shit crazy rants.

You have a really tough decision. When I posted on mumsnet previously I was told to end the pregnancy. Before 9 weeks it’s two pills that you take. After 9 weeks it’s surgical.

I kept him, he’s due next year. I wanted him from the very beginning. In spite of everyone else not wanting him.

Through all the people telling me to abort on mumsnet, there were a few telling me everything would be ok.

I think I need to tell you that everything will be ok, no matter what you decide.

Original poster
Confusion77 · 18/09/2019 09:18

Thanks everyone. This morning I feel a bit more clear headed . Getting myself ready for work, one child for school and taking one to family, has kind of highlighted what a bad idea adding a third would be. There's no way my parents could help, they'd offer, but they're old, and struggle already. They are relieved that the dc are getting older and easier. I've had 4 long messages from stbx this morning. Unrelated, as I haven't told him. Again, it's pointed out what an awful effect this would have on my life as it would of course, involve him even more just as I think he's letting go. The messages are because he knows he's lost. I'm not going back (I've been clear about this, but he hears what he wants).

I am going to call bpas today, there is a cloning in town so hope to het an appointment asap.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 18/09/2019 10:31

OP I would 100% say that not going ahead is the right thing - not only for you but for your very young children.

Things sound very tough and you need to be able to have as many cards on your side - time, health, money - in order to get them and you through this period as best as you can.

Don't tell your exH, ever. Good luck with bpas and you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Original poster
Confusion77 · 18/09/2019 10:59

Thank you. I've just called, I have a telephone consultation on the 28th. I can't believe the delay. I'll need another appointment for the treatment.

I was hoping that I'd be able to be seen much sooner.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 18/09/2019 11:11

Can you go through your doctor?

Original poster
Confusion77 · 18/09/2019 12:03

I thought this would be quicker? Would the Dr just refer me on?

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusion77 · 18/09/2019 12:04

I was offered an appointment somewhere else, 1.5 hrs drive away, that I could have consult and treatment on the same day, but not allowed to take children with me. And the appointment is at 9.30. I just couldn't manage it.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 18/09/2019 12:09

I think the doctor would refer you to the hospital?

Are you sure you couldn't make that appointment? Invent a relative needing hospital help from early, and get a childminder to take your kids from 7/7.30???

PetetheCat · 18/09/2019 12:12

For what it's worth I think you are absolutely doing the right thing.

I don't think they can see you until you're 6+ weeks anyway so try not to worry too much about the date (appreciate it's difficult when you just want it to be over)

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