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Original poster

Is this financially controlling?

35 replies

Redcliff · 17/09/2019 21:26

My DP is a sahd and has been for the last few years. Our youngest is now in year one and DH has been job hunting but only because I have pushed him into it. He has a bad back (which was better on holiday as he wasn't sleeping in our very old, knackered bed) and is saying we need a new bed so he isn't in pain everyday. I agree with that we need a new bed but we are currently paying off some credit card debt.

If I say once he gets a job (he is not looking very hard right now in my opinion) we can buy the bed is that financially controlling? Just getting a new mattress is unlikely to help as the base has had it.

OP posts:
bubs80 · 17/09/2019 21:27

No I think you are being reasonable . It makes financial sense to make a big purchase once finances improve .

WineIsMyMainVice · 17/09/2019 21:43

I agree with bubs

Crinkle77 · 17/09/2019 21:57

If the bed is going to improve his quality of life then surely it is worth it. Plus if his back gets better quicker then he might be more inclined to get a get quicker.

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General money
SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 17/09/2019 21:58

I think that if you can afford the CC repayments, you should get a new bed. It must be miserable to be in pain all the time, and your DP will be in a better frame of mind for job-hunting if he’s not constantly aware of his back.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 17/09/2019 22:00

If he is in pain, you need a new bed. I'd be really sad in his position.

Singlenotsingle · 17/09/2019 22:01

Not financially controlling at all. He obviously has to be encouraged to contribute towards household necessities.

TheCatsACunt · 17/09/2019 22:02

Yes, I would consider withholding money that will improve a partner’s heath and wellbeing until they do the action you want to be financially controlling.

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 17/09/2019 22:05

Could you not get a decent mattress and sleep on that on the floor in the short term. It would surely be better than the current situation. It does seem a bit unfair for your DP to be in pain if it is avoidable.

Original poster
Redcliff · 17/09/2019 22:06

Humm - seems like a split in opinions. Tbh if we didn't have the credit cards to pay off I would just get a new bed but adding to the amount we owe makes me nervous.

OP posts:
tunnocksreturns2019 · 17/09/2019 22:09

“Yes, I would consider withholding money that will improve a partner’s heath and wellbeing until they do the action you want to be financially controlling.”

That.

Crinkle77 · 17/09/2019 22:09

Not financially controlling at all. He obviously has to be encouraged to contribute towards household necessities

I get the feeling of this was a woman writing this thread about her husband being financially controlling then the responses would be different.

TheCatsACunt · 17/09/2019 22:12

I think the responses would be a bit different if the sexes were reversed.

I am a sahm and have been for the last few years. Our youngest is now in year one and I have been job hunting but only because DH has pushed me into it. I have a bad back (which was better on holiday as i wasn't sleeping in our very old, knackered bed) and I’m saying we need a new bed so I’m not in pain everyday. DH agrees that we need a new bed but we are currently paying off some credit card debt.

He says once I get a job (I am not looking very hard right now in his opinion) we can buy the bed is that financially controlling? Just getting a new mattress is unlikely to help as the base has had it.

I think it’d sound financially and emotionally controlling.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/09/2019 22:12

If the bed is so bad that it is detrimental to his sleep, and that the only good sleep he has had is in a different bed then it is an essential purchase. To the point where if I didn't have the means to pay I'd find something to sell or take credit.

If a woman came on here and said that her husband would not allow her to purchase a new bed and her sleep was having a detrimental effect on her physical and mental wellbeing, then she would be told/asked
1 - why on earth don't you have access to family money?
2 - just buy the damn bed it's essential
3 - leave the bastard

Duvetdazed · 17/09/2019 22:14

This is one of those threads where the response would be very different if a sahm was posting and saying her husband refused to buy something which would improve her health...

Duvetdazed · 17/09/2019 22:15

Cross posted with so many lol..

Whitejasmine · 17/09/2019 22:17

I’m a sahm and to be honest my dh would get told to fuck right off if he said this to me (coincidentally I have a bad back and am planning to buy a new mattress!). The difference is we can afford it so it’s not a problem, and I’m not going back to work any time soon so it’s a different situation... I can understand you not wanting to get in more debt for a mattress. Is it not possible to save a bit each week until you can afford one?

C0untDucku1a · 17/09/2019 22:17

Absolutely financially controlling. You've agreed his health is suffering. You've agreed the bed is the cause. A new bed doesn't beed to be very expensive. If it hells him get a job it will pay for itself in a month.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/09/2019 22:20

Whose debt is it OP?

Wildorchidz · 17/09/2019 22:20

I cannot believe that you even have to ask if this is financially controlling.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/09/2019 22:23

You don’t have to spend a fortune to get a good mattress and it’s an essential. Get a second hand bed if money is tight. If he was after a bigger tv you’d have a point but you should have prioritised a fit for purpose bed over a holiday!

Your husband, who you’re meant to love, is in pain and you’re forbidding him from buying something that you know will help.

JoyceJeffries · 17/09/2019 22:29

Just buy a new bed. He’s in pain!

AJPTaylor · 17/09/2019 22:35

Get a decent bed frame off eBay or similar and get a mattress on interest free credit. Yabu.

Queenonfleek · 17/09/2019 22:36

I cannot believe you would be even asking - your husband is in pain and it will be impacting his quality of life and ability to work. I think you need to get your priorities in order if you cannot see how awful your stance is to make him wait

Aberhonddu · 17/09/2019 22:40

Living with back pain is very debilitating and to be told to get a job and then you can have a new bed is cruel and heartless.
It's not really being financially controlling, it's being a fuckwit that doesn't really give a shit about their life companion's pain.
I'm someone that has lived with back pain for most of my life and what I sleep on makes a massive difference. Can't you see that if his pain improved when he slept on a better bed, then if you invest in this essential household item his pain will lessen and he'll be in a better place to look for full time work.
Seems like you don't value him or his SAHD status at all

Sunshinegirl82 · 17/09/2019 22:46

I'd go to Ikea and buy a new bed, Ikea mattresses are brilliant for the money. I think if your DP is genuinely in pain because the bed is so bad then it's pretty essential.

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