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Original poster

Is my DD being rude or is this just a part of her autism?

52 replies

slavetolife · 17/09/2019 07:15

My DD is 17 and on occasion when she is upset or frustrated with someone (mostly me, or her auntie), she will bombard with long text messages which I can only describe as like a stream of consciousness - obviously this seems incredibly rude when she does it, however I have learned that the best thing to do is to ignore it and wait for her to calm down - my sister however bites back and makes the situation worse.

Is this a "thing" with some autistic people? I'm struggling to manage the relationship with my siblings and DD as they just don't get it - I hardly do myself, she was only diagnosed 18 months ago! Generally my DD is quite well mannered except when this happens but it's almost like she is having some sort of meltdown at that moment.

OP posts:
yulet · 17/09/2019 07:31

You've described it as a meltdown. Have you talked to her about it when she's calmer?

Whether it's "rude" or not depends more on what she's saying I think. It's more that other people just don't want to hear it usually. People don't want long-winded detailed explanations in the panic of the moment, and they tend to respond best to short calm replies - but it took a lot of growing up for me to really understand that.

Does she like writing generally? Ways of trying to manage her panic could include writing out a long text for herself, and then later on when she's calm writing out a much shorter less emotional version. That could become an important life skill.

WillLokireturn · 17/09/2019 07:31

I DK about autism, but It's a (some) teenage girl thing at the very least. Hormones, long thoughts about why you are in the wrong/ how you upset them and they've realised/you've ruined their life (insert minor thing blown out of proportion), etc ... Teenage girls mostly do it to each other but heyho, you're getting it too or instead.

Best ignore, ask her to stop, tell her when not angry not to send those sorts of texts as you won't read them. It's better to know how she's feeling, incase she might self harm. Or so she can let out random anger to her mum and auntie, but I'd be explaining to her that ranting negative texts can escalate it not resolve it and ruin friendship/ relationships.

WillLokireturn · 17/09/2019 07:35

Unless of course it is an autism thing. Sorry it's hard to know without knowing content of texts. (Teengirls do send long texts to each other when they are arguing and one or both have been stewing)

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Original poster
slavetolife · 17/09/2019 07:46

Well she has been feeling a bit let down by said auntie lately however struggles to appreciate that obviously she has her own life and can't just be there for her at the drop of a hat - so rather than talking to her about it waits until she is feeling angry and then wallop! out comes this long angry, totally unfiltered message that I totally understand is upsetting but when you actually read it, only really states my DD's emotions at that point. My sister has said though, and this is where we disagree, that she doesn't care that my DD is autistic - she just doesn't seem to grasp the fact that they are different. She thinks it's plain rudeness. She just doesn't understand that my DD does not see the world in the same way she does!

OP posts:
NoisingUpNissan · 17/09/2019 07:51

Interestingly the only adults who do this are autistic!

Teachermaths · 17/09/2019 07:52

Could you perhaps say to DD that she types the message and then you both look before she sends it? Explain that she is coming across as rude even though she might not intend to.

I think your dd has to learn she can't just send messages like this when she's frustrated. She's 17 so will soon be in work etc. It's a good life lesson even if she sees things differently to know how to deal with that.

NoisingUpNissan · 17/09/2019 07:53

That I know I mean.

One was my sisters 50 yo boyfriend!! Defi not teenage girl!!

AJPTaylor · 17/09/2019 08:19

My dd has adhd and can be like that
Utterly unreasonable.

GrimalkinsCrone · 17/09/2019 08:37

My DD1 is in her late 20s, autistic, usually manages but if she’s in meltdown state that’s what happens. Either verbally or text, a monologue.
It’s definitely part of her autism.

GrimalkinsCrone · 17/09/2019 08:38

The adult part is that now, she only tends to do it with me or very close friends. Never with work.

MeadowHay · 17/09/2019 08:41

I do this to DH rarely when I'm having a meltdown of sorts Sad Blush im mid twenties and autistic. We've been together since our late teens and I definitely did it a lot more when we were younger, partly because I didn't realise I was doing it really and the impact it was having and partly because my MH was worse then. And maybe partly just more immaturity? Anyway he has spoke to me about it a few times and I have more strategies in place now for dealing with my emotions and my MH is just better in general so I rarely do it now.

MeadowHay · 17/09/2019 08:45

Also I suppose I essentially do this verbally if I'm having a meltdown or after a panic attack or whatever too. But that is quite rare atm. Like I can't think of the last time...maybe a couple months or so ago? Depends what stressors are going on on in my life and how my MH is really.

BlankTimes · 17/09/2019 09:08

Ask dd to write it, that way she gets all her feelings and thoughts on the issue sorted, but then delete it.

She just doesn't understand that my DD does not see the world in the same way she does!

What an ignorant fool your sister is.

Do find lots of info for your sister and keep explaining what autism is and how it affects each person differently and how girls and women have a different presentation to boys and men. Hammer home it's a neurological difference so she can't judge your dd's behaviour by the same yardstick as an NT teen. If she carries on being so thick - sadly many friends and family just won't accept that an autistic person has any differences - go very low to no contact.

This is enlightening
theaspergian.com/2019/05/04/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/

Workingmum8 · 17/09/2019 09:11

Can she write it and delete it. Or send the Aunties messages to you instead- if she feels like she has to send it?

No idea about autism, but I was a bit like this as a teenager. It’s not easy being 17.

Original poster
slavetolife · 17/09/2019 09:13

Thank you so much for the replies - I feel justified in sticking up for my DD now! I have said again and again to my sister that because she is autistic - DIAGNOSED PROFESSIONALLY- she isn't the same as she or I, when this sort of thing happens though all I get is "I don't give a shit if she's autistic" and it's literally like banging my head against a brick wall. I do speak to my DD about what she says, I will however take on board some of your suggestions and mention them to her.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 17/09/2019 09:18

One wonders if your sister is autistic as well, OP?! That stubborn refusal to see another’s point of view... Grin

Teddybear45 · 17/09/2019 09:26

Autism / Aspergers etc is a spectrum. It’s tempting to blame every inconsiderate thing your DD does to that but the truth is that long, inconsiderate, stream of consciousness text messages, is what a lot of ‘normal’ people do too. If you think it’s rude and wouldn’t like it if a non-autistic person did it to you then it probably is rude - explain it to your DD. She can get away with rudeness to an extent with you and her aunt but others may not be as understanding - especially young people who use their phones more regularly and may feel as if they have been ‘taken hostage’.

99problemsandjust1appt · 17/09/2019 09:31

It’s not rudeness my dd is 17 with asd and does the same.
I find it utterly exhausting I frequently end up burnt out and ill because of her but she can’t help it I try to liken it to if she was in a wheelchair and I had to push her and carry her at her she and size I would be physically overloaded and challenged and so I am mentally overloaded.
Try to take it a day at a time
Thinking too far ahead causes anxiety for the long term
I will be returning to work when my little ones at school as I know dd so t be able to work and yet we will need to support her so that’s our plan. I’ve put that to the back of my mind and take each day as it comes. I go off to cry sometimes and I comfort eat too to cope

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 17/09/2019 09:52

Interestingly the only adults who do this are autistic!

Would you like to clarify what that comment means, because it comes across as incredibly ignorant.

Booboostwo · 17/09/2019 10:09

From my perspective I would be motivated to do the endless texting because of the injustice. The feeling of injustice triggered by being misunderstood, misrepresented, etc. would compel me to rectify the injustice and this may lead to the texting. I am much older than your DD and have a firmer grasp on what might be exaggerated by my autism so I find it easier to stop these behaviors. But it does take effort to let go of things where I know I am right.

Could something like this be happening here? Of course each person is different so I may be completely off the mark about this.

Abstractedobstructed · 17/09/2019 10:24

You are completely misunderstanding autism.

If you are autistic you don't turn it on and off. You don't answer your phone autistically but get dressed non autistically, then eat breakfast autistically but speak to your friends non autistically.

It's the way your brain works - ALL the time and for EVERYTHING. Your daughter does everything autistically. Even the things that look the same as when an NT person does them.

The core difficulties with autism - where the different way an autistic brain works really show - is in social interaction, communication, and in being able to think flexibly.

Your dd's text messages are a form of communication and so will probably be atypical in some way, either in scope, intensity or volume. The fact that she does this repeatedly would demonstrate her issues with flexible thinking. They will unleash further problems from Aunt, yet she carries on doing it.

This doesn't means you don't do anything about it. You can teach her an alternative strategy if you find out what function these messages serve. If she wants to put her point of view down, teach her a more appropriate way - but do it step by step.

And tell your sister she needs to educate herself.

Original poster
slavetolife · 17/09/2019 10:27

One of DD's biggest issues is that she finds it incredibly difficult to focus on herself/look at her own behaviour/understand/verbalise her feelings. We sort of coast from day to day, at home things are manageable because I know how to handle her but if I asked her to look at what she says and try to understand how that can be hurtful, she finds that very difficult indeed and reacts with anger - she is not empathetic. I feel like I'm dancing a constant merry dance just to keep her happy and to guide her towards the right path. I can't cope with extending my merry dance to keeping other family members happy too!

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 17/09/2019 10:59

Don’t ask her to ‘consider it from someone’s perspective’. She probably won’t be able to do that as that’s too woolly as an instruction. You can, however, point out that sending long messages in the heat of the moment is rude and unacceptable and if she wants to be taken seriously she should do something else instead (eg wait until she has calmed down and can articulate properly).

Teachermaths · 17/09/2019 11:10

I think her writing the messages is part of her autism of course. But it's part of your role to teach her alternative strategies. Such as write the message but don't send. Or hand write her thoughts. Or once she has written it, read it back to her as if it was going to her and ask how she would feel.

You're doing a great job raising a teen who is trickier than your average. Your sister sounds irritating but so do the messages. Can your sister just delete them for now? Or even block your daughter.

Comefromaway · 17/09/2019 11:13

Ds is autistic and he does this when he is stressed. The texts become more and more agitated.