Is my DD being rude or is this just a part of her autism?

[slavetolife]

My DD is 17 and on occasion when she is upset or frustrated with someone (mostly me, or her auntie), she will bombard with long text messages which I can only describe as like a stream of consciousness - obviously this seems incredibly rude when she does it, however I have learned that the best thing to do is to ignore it and wait for her to calm down - my sister however bites back and makes the situation worse.

Is this a "thing" with some autistic people? I'm struggling to manage the relationship with my siblings and DD as they just don't get it - I hardly do myself, she was only diagnosed 18 months ago! Generally my DD is quite well mannered except when this happens but it's almost like she is having some sort of meltdown at that moment.

Some people with autism have difficulties with theory of mind,I had not heard of this until recently when my daughter was being assessed.

It may be worth reading about

Your sister sounds completely ignorant and self-centred.

How many texts are we talking?!

Is the content venting her feelings, personal criticism of the receiver, or insults?

Could try to explain that this type of communication is unlikely to be well received, or to encourage the responses from other people that she might want.

And encourage her to write down her feelings and grievances for herself, then “park” it, later reduce it down to the key points, for example things that she would like to express or the receiver to do. And decide whether to message them, email, speak to them, or drop it!

Your sister sounds completely ignorant and self-centred.

No, you sound ignorant of the difficulties someone with an autistic spectrum disorder has.

Agree with PPs that your sister’s handling isn’t ideal!

Apologies, Loopy I have misread you.

BooBoo, that’s a very similar response to DD1’s. So she feels compelled to explain and justify her POV, and coupled with a ferocious level of intelligence, sometimes it feels to the recipient as if they are being hammered into the ground, or facing a hurricane. She is more able to control, and judge the situation than 10 years ago, but the need runs through her like a flame.

Yay, another autism bashing thread.

And again I misread, the apology should have been to autumn, not loopy!

Sorry you see it that way, pottedshrimps. I saw it as the OP trying to work out how to maintain a relationship between her DD and sister whilst defending her DD against her aunt’s ignorance.
My adult Aspies have worked out effective strategies for coping with a number of different stressers, I thought this thread was a supportive one.

No, it's talking about autistics as though we're zoo animals all displaying a particular species behaviour.

So as an adult with autism and a late diagnosis, what would your advice be? What would have helped you through the challenges of your teens and twenties?
All individuals on the spectrum are exactly that, my two are completely different to each other despite the same upbringing and environment.
To say that we are discussing our children as if they were zoo animals is very offensive.

I wonder whether she'd like to write it all down in a diary rather than texting. I think the physical act of writing by hand helps and that it's a way of ranting without the other person having to read it.

Apologies for the awful format of this - I hate twitter - but I saw this on Facebook the other day (you need to click through each photo in turn to read) and it does explain why some autistic people sometimes find it helpful to communicate in this way. It is not necessarily rudeness if it has a useful purpose.

Of course, it could still be a teen girl thing. (Does that preclude it from being an autism thing? I could relate to this from the perspective of an ex teenage girl, TBH) But just in case it is helpful.

www.facebook.com/garth.lokisson.5/posts/352824432287822

FWIW I have ADHD, as does my son, I find it useful to look at these neurodiversity awareness things online, I also show them to him if appropriate, we talk about what parts we relate to and whether it's useful.

I am not sure what the "hot take" thing is about (I guess some kind of slang for opinion)

I do this and I’m autistic, diagnosed 3 years ago at 24.

Firstly I only do it to be I really trust and am sure of their affection for me. So maybe take it as a compliment that your daughter feels secure enough to express this to you.

Secondly I agree that the primary causation is a feeling of injustice. In those moments I am completely able to comprehend that these messages are difficult and intense for the other person to receive.

Thirdly, I do not do it because I want as detailed and in depth reaction from the other person. I find that more what I am seeking is an assurance that the other person acknowledges and understands my feelings, usually driven by my own insecurity that my feeling and reaction is the right one. This is why I ferociously explain.

Fourthly this behaviour can be managed. Your daughter needs a place to vent but you can guide her on the most appropriate outlet. When she is calm explain that she shouldn’t target her auntie for this but maybe offer yourself or a friend as an alternative. Tell her that in these times you want her to feel listened too but if you are busy you may need to send an “interim” response e.g “I’m at work until 5 but we can discuss this in more detail when we get home tonight”. Predictability and structure is important for autistic people so you can use this to ensure she feels listened to but also schedule the offloading in a way that works for you. Also talk to her about other people’s feelings e.g. feeling overloaded, other people might not process like she does. She might not adjust her behaviour immediately but I tend to find with regular and ongoing conversations about other people, I gradually start to work it into the way I calculate and predict people’s output. It takes time but I think I’m slowly improving.

Lastly, what she is going through is tough. Being diagnosed with a disability so late on has probably shaken all her ideas of her own identity. I found that at the start I slightly regressed and “became the diagnosis” before I realised I didn’t want to not achieve in life. Then I reassessed the diagnosis as a tool to help me learn about myself rather than a reason I couldn’t do things.

GrimalkinsCrone yep that's me! It makes for an interesting experience online! But, equally, I take advantage of it at work, I am a philosopher!

@Comefromaway I'm actually autistic.

You misread who my post was about. Not the autistic daughter. The nasty sister who couldn't give a toss about her niece being autistic.

Please get your facts straight before opening your mouth.

I'm sorry @Comefromaway I see you have apologised. My mistake, I missed your second post

It's both! Autism can mean you don't understand social norms and can't communicate effectively.

But that isn't a green light for being rude.

I'd say you need to understand dd intentions may not be to upset. But she needs to be told she has upset someone, how and why and given a better way to do things in future.

My ds is autistic (he's 15). He's worked very hard at "not making a scene" (as his school describe it. But then then also say they understand he then doesn't always say what's on his mind so he has mentoring sessions regularly.

slavetolife

I notice that you have skirted around exactly what is being put in the messages.

You have said generally what they are about but not about the wording of them.

That to me would make the difference between a general rant that would get a whatever response and a pissed off response.

To be succinct about it if its normally worded as justification and these are my thoughts then fine, if its sweary and full of abuse then no its not fine.

Ok the messages said along the lines of not going to bother any more (meaning DD getting in touch with aunt), aunt always speaks to her like crap, that she had messaged her because she really needed someone to talk to but aunt is always too busy, that aunt is too busy to make any time for DD but makes time to spend with other nieces.. Messages were sweaty yes, but not directly insulting if that makes sense, definitely saying what DD thinks about the situation!

**sweary not sweaty!

Does her aunt speak to her badly?

So the messages were heavily critical of your sister, DD’s aunt.