Who was at fault here?

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

My mum has been staying for the summer. She's been having all kinds of health problems but refuses to get any help for any of them-this could be clouding my judgement.

On Saturday afternoon she mentioned that we needed some shopping but she hadn't any money to get anything I said I couldn’t do it then because we were about to head off to London for a concert (Muse-totally amazing) but I would get it the next day if it could wait. She said it could.

Coming back from London yesterday was a nightmare with changes and bus replacements etc. I was staying at DP's and we were really late to pick his daughter up from his mum’s. I totally forgot about the shopping. When I got home and said it was only flying visit my mum pulled a face. When I asked what was wrong and she said ‘I thought you were doing some shopping-I’ve got no coffee left’. I said I didn’t have time to go to the shop but she could have what money I had left to go and get some. I only had about £4 but it would have bought some coffee and milk. She's previously borrowed my bank card but I knew I'd need it today so couldn't lend it to her.

This morning I e-mailed her asking if she bought coffee and she said she hadn’t because she was ‘so upset at being made to feel like she had to beg for some change to buy coffee’.

I've come home from work and we're sitting in frosty silence.

I don't want to drip feed but there's such a long back story to the complicated relationship my mother and I have that I don't really know where to begin.

Have I been a cow?

Why do you have to pay for her coffee? She sounds very childish.

NO

She’s your guest and you’ve treated her badly. She must have felt anxious and then humiliated at having to go cap in hand to you.

That’s really not a nice way to treat any guest let alone your mother.

How have I treated her badly? She said the shopping could wait, I forgot about it and offered her an alternative solution.

She's been here all summer and has barely paid for anything. She's been constantly skint.

No you’re not!

She could have gotten it herself

Why does she have no money if you've been subsidising her?

She said it could wait, and you offered her cash to buy it herself... unless she has mobility problems and can’t get to the shop on her own then I don’t see what the problem is. Sounds like the relationship is very complicated but you offered her with the means to buy the bloody coffee so I don’t get what the problem is.

How has the OP treated her badly? How would she have paid for food if she'd been in her own home all summer?

Impossible to give a proper opinion without all the back story but on the face of it she's being childish

I feel like some mums get to an age where they expect us to go out of our way to help out and assist.

No you didn’t have to go get the coffee for her, you gave her the cash for it and she didn’t even ask you for money so she didn’t even have to “beg” for it like she said.

I feel this in my bones, my mum stays next door to a shop but calls me to drive 15 minutes to go for her but can take her dog out fine.

She spends her money on wine, chocolate and bloody vaping stuff. She's not got much money-only the state pension and a tiny personal pension. Plus she's run up massive debts in my name that she's trying to pay off. I know she's struggling every month but I can't afford to cover them for her.

I suspect the main reason she's pissed off is that she won't have had an alcoholic drink since Friday night. She's a functioning alcoholic.

You poor thing. Don't feel bad. You're juggling a lot. She should be understanding. Good luck trying to get past this OP :-(

@Soola are you OPs Mother???

she's run up massive debts in my name that she's trying to pay off

And you are worried that you are a cow for expecting her to buy her own coffee?!

Personally I wouldnt be hosting someone who committed fraud against me, let alone paying for their food and drink.

Agree with @BeanBag7

I have no view on the majority of the post however I want to know where £4 buys coffee and milk!

Hmmmm depends. Did she have food? Or was she with nothing waiting for u to get her shopping. If she had some stuff in the fridge/freezer to substain her then no you are not being unreasonable. But if she is sat at home hungry waiting for you and u forget then u are. £4 wont get much these days.
The debt thing needs it's own post but she is bu doing that to her own child

I'd be irrationally grumpy if dh was bringing coffee home then didn't, meaning I had to go to the shop before having coffee.

I'd assume your mum was embarrassed about her financial situation and being low on your priorities. I don't think you're massively wrong but people in their own often have too much time to over think things and feel even more lonely. It's like dc - what's important to them often seems minor in the scheme of things. The coffee was important to your mum and she felt forgotten and am after thought.

@PolPotNoodle haha I was wondering if I'm buying expensive coffee as mine is £4 with no milk!

Your mother is being ridiculously selfish. You have been putting her up all summer and feeding her I presume and she has the cheek to get pissed off with you because of a lack of coffee in the house. She is the one that should be feeling guilty.

I know £4 wouldn't have bought a lot but it would have bought a small jar of coffee and some milk. Enough to tide her over the weekend. There was plenty of food in the house. She did actually have some money on her as it's DS2's birthday on Friday and she said she'd kept some money to give him-she could have used that, I'd have given it back to her. Believe me, she has no qualms about asking for money, my brother and I have bailed her out numerous times, him more than me as he's got the means to do so.

This evening didn't go well. We didn't speak until my poor brother messaged me to say that she'd e-mailed him to say I wasn't talking to her. He gave us both short sharp shrift and said, quite rightly, that he wasn't going to be stuck in the middle of it and that we needed to sort it out. I said to her that I wasn't not talking to her but that I didn't know what to say to her any more. She just replied 'well that's fine' and put the tv on.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm frustrated, angry and I don't want to feel uncomfortable in my own home, but I can't ask her to leave as she hasn't got the money to go home. My brother won't have her as his partner can't stand her. It's all a big complicated mess right now.

YANBU
She has committed fraud and still you put up with her in your home. Is she not intending on going home?

Why is she living with you? Why are you keeping this awful woman in your life? I wouldn’t want an alcoholic living with my kids.

My mother took out phone contracts and clothing accounts in my name and ran up huge debts. It took me a long time to realise that parents who love their children don't do this to them. There's a million and one other stories but long story short is that we're NC now and it's like a huge weight has lifted. OP please seek counselling and get some distance from this person who just sees you as their bank and whipping post.

Your mother could use a food bank she can be referred from her gp or social services or any other professional known to her. If she has food can she then go back home, how old is your mum is she able to work?. There are plenty of services around especially in london for different things that your mum may be able to access and get support.

My mum lives in France and I don't know quite what services, if any, are available to her, especially in light if Brexit.

Just to add insult to injury, this morning her dog peed on the hall carpet...she just looked at it, said 'oh you are naughty' then did NOTHING to clean it up. I was rushing to get me and the boys out the door so couldn't do it.

We have a very strange, codependent relationship. It's only been through a lot of therapy that I'm realising just HOW strange it is. And because I'm pulling back I don't think she likes it. I don't want to go NC because the boys love their grandma but I've spent 30 years bailing her out and I'm just done with it right now. I've got nothing more to give.