I’m having a really hard time, I need a moan and don’t want to burden my friends or DH

[FFSOMG]

I’m inpatient in a psychiatric intensive care unit, I’ve been here about a month? I think. Before this I was on an acute psychiatric ward, which I was admitted to in October last year, so it’s approaching a year of being inpatient. I had a month at home in April.

I have emotionally unstable personality disorder and mixed bipolar disorder. I self harm severely (without being graphic) and have made many serious suicide attempts which have led to staff needing to resuscitate me, seizures etc etc blah blah. I’ve absconded and been picked up by the police a lot. Had good and rough treatment.

I haven’t slept in two days and I just broke down today in a meeting with the psychologist, consultant psychiatrist, ward manager and nurse. I lost it a bit I’m ashamed to say. I just feel so lost. I have a loving, supportive DH and two beautiful DS’s, I should be enjoying my life not stuck in endless misery.

I’m waiting for a bed to come up in my home town on the acute ward, endless waiting. I haven’t seen my family for three weeks. I’ve had no psychological input here apart from 4 sessions when I first arrived. I had therapy in the acute hospital but I was having ECT treatment at the same time (I had ten sessions of ECT) so I don’t remember any of it.

I spent all of Christmas on 1:1, children weren’t allowed on the ward and I wasn’t allowed off the ward to go to the family visiting room so I didn’t see my children over Christmas at all.

I know people with EUPD get a bashing on here, but we are suffering humans, not trying to make lives harder for everyone else.

Urgh. I’ve spent so much of today crying. I had a job I enjoyed before my breakdown last year, now I can’t see me ever going back.

I asked to be discharged today, they said no. I asked for escorted leave on the hospital grounds, they said no (too risky). I’m just sat waiting. The acute ward had a meeting about me today with their psychologist to work out what they’re going to do with me (“how best to support me”) so I find out what they’ve said tomorrow. More waiting.

I know it’s self sabotaging but I stopped taking my medication because I feel like I should feel worse, as punishment, and in the hopes it will give me the drive to end it quickly when I get off the ward, before the police find me. So that’s stupid of me I know, but that makes me feel worse, which just continues the cycle. So I’m having withdrawal effects to deal with (venlafaxine is one med I’m on which is known for horrible withdrawals).

I’m so sorry, I’m ready for a bashing. But I just needed an outlet, I don’t talk to the staff, I find it difficult to open up.

aww love, I cant pretend to understand what you are going through but I can send you the love and best wishes from a stranger on the internet! take care of you. try and love yourself a little and think of how much your children love you.

Do they staff know you're not taking your medication?

I've no words of wisdom but it sounds dreadfully hard for everyone.

Can you write to your children?

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It sounds as though you are really suffering with your mental illness at the moment. I don't understand how you can expected to get better with no therapy but I don't know much about treatment. They're not releasing you for your own good and for the benefit of your loved ones, they want you to get better and go home when you're ready x x

God, that sounds horrendous.

I think sometimes, and this will sound harsh, I know, you have to remember that however hopeless it feels for you, and however, much of a burden you feel you are on your family, and no matter how much you feel you let them down - your children would prefer to have a living mother than one who didn't love them enough to stay alive to watch them grow up.

Yes I refuse the medication when staff bring it to me. And yes, I write letters to my boys sometimes and speak to them on the phone as often as possible. They’re doing brilliantly and my husband is doing a fantastic job. Thank you x

(Just continuing the moan, sorry)

Yesterday I ran off during escorted leave, got caught and brought back to the ward by police, tried to end my life, and was restrained and physically held down and stripped of my clothing and had rip proof clothing put on me, so I have the indignity of that. Yesterday was a really tough day and I think that plus today’s meeting was just too much for me. I can’t eat because I feel sick. I need to talk to DH soon and pretend everything is fine and I might just ignore his call instead as my voice keeps breaking when I try to talk.

I just feel guilty as there’s people here who are actually ill and I’m just a dickhead.

That sounds so hard.

You clearly have family who you love and they love you. Please don't put them through the hurt and pain of a suicide.

I'm shocked at how little treatment that you are receiving but please take the medication and get yourself better and home to your children. They need you, big hugs xxx

Your not a dickhead!

Tell yourself - I am FULL NAME, and proud mum of BOY1 and BOY2- say it and keep saying it!

Hey OP Just sending you some support What you’re going through sounds so horrendous and so unfair.

It sounds like you haven’t had an opportunity to process the traumas which perhaps have led to this agonising reaction you’re in the midst of? Do you want to talk to us about anything which may have led to what you’re suffering through now?

I absolutely believe you can get through this. But it sounds so overwhelming and so painful.

I just feel guilty as there’s people here who are actually ill and I’m just a dickhead.

No, you are ill. That is why you need to take your medication. So you can get better.

You can get better. Life may never go back to the way it used to be, but one day it will get less dark if you hold on.

I have a friend who went through similar but has come out the other side and is now home with her dc and taking her meds regularly. 2 things she learned:

1. accept you need meds to balance you and allow you to be the best you. use the time on the ward to work with staff to establish which meds work for you.

2. sleep is the most important thing. You can cope with so much more if you've had sleep but when you don't sleep everything goes out of proportion!

Be kind to yourself and trust the staff. You can do this and you are loved. Just because you have behaved one way previously doesn't mean you can't behave differently next time. Take it a day at a time.

I haven't got anything useful to add, but I wanted to send you some vibes and support across the ether. I am sorry you feel so I'll and am truly hoping things improve for you soon. And I don't think you are a dickhead for one moment.

You are not a dickhead and I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds horrible for you. Please don't feel guilty, it's not your fault you are unwell. It's not as if you are choosing to be unwell.

I hope you can get better sleep tonight.

You are not a dick head. You are ill and you deserve to be given the help you need. I really hope things improve for you soon.

Hello, please will you go and ask the staff for the venlafaxine? I wish something I could type would make a difference but it probably won’t - venlafaxine will help a bit tho.

It’s horrible feeling so mixed up and poorly but if you could just put that first step on the ladder asking for the meds I promise you it will help.

I have a loving, supportive DH and two beautiful DS’s, I should be enjoying my life not stuck in endless misery.

You know it's not your fault though don't you?

Tragically, having a wonderful family doesn't prevent you suffering mental illness any more than it prevents you breaking your leg or getting cancer.

A friend of mine has bipolar disorder and had a breakdown that sounds something along the lines of yours. Really awful stuff and she was in a locked ward for a long period of time.

She is now doing pretty well again. She has been back at home for a long time and able to lead a normal life. She enjoys it and takes pleasure in lots of things. This seems amazing to me when I remember how she was in hospital; she was in a really bad way.

I mention this because you say you can't see things getting better. My friend couldn't either. But eventually they have.

You aren't a dickhead at all, you are ill and need help.

You are clearly in a very bad place and as difficult as it is to be stripped of your dignity through restraint and having items removed from you, you must recognize how high risk you are.

How do you see things moving forward? Nursing staff will do everything within their power to keep you safe. You mention your boys and husband and wanting to love closer to home. For that to happen surely you need to have a higher capacity to keep yourself safe as an acute ward is less intensively staffed.

Identify a positive goal (maybe moving closer to home) and think about and talk through with staff what you need to do to work toward it. When you feel impulsive reach out to staff, talk to them, know that the intensity will pass. You can do this.

And start taking your meds again. Stopping them helps nothing.

I wish you all the best💐💐💐

Thank you everyone for your lovely replies, after naming my diagnosis I expected to get a bashing. I took my lithium and anti psychotic and anti anxiety drug (gabapentin) tonight, and I’m going to take a sleeping tablet. I’m going to have a slice of toast too as I haven’t eaten since Saturday lunch time. Venlafaxine is prescribed in the morning so I will take that then.

You poor love I wish I could say something to make you feel better.

Please do keep taking your meds. You can get better and your children love and need you.

Update us in the morning OP

Hope you have a more restful night.

That's really positive FFSOMG well done💐 Please acknowledge the positives for yourself. It may not se m much but to be able to take on board advice and carry it through is really good.

Recovery is a very rocky road but it is possible. Please keep fighting and use the nursing staff, OT resources and whatever psychology input is available to you.

You will have thoughts of wanting to self harm or harm end your life but with the right support and your own self belief, you will learn to navigate those moments without acting on them.

I wish I could change this for you, so much. You’re not a dickhead; nothing of the sort. You sound a lovely person. Bloody well done taking some meds tonight.

You have so much to deal with. Your illness sounds so hard.

You write so well and sound like you have such a good understanding of what's going on for you, yet you feel driven to attempt to end your life. It must be so confusing and exhausting for your poor brain to try and process it all.

Why would anyone give you a bashing? You're really unwell. That doesn't deserve a bashing. You are ill, you can't be with your family, you are not getting the most proactive treatment by the sound of it, you have been in hospital for so long, you deserve a cup of tea and a cuddle, not a bashing.

Can you see any hope of an improvement or positive change? Even a small one? Or does it just all seem too hard right now?

Aww it sounds like a really hard time. I have anxiety and have had a rough day. It obviously nothing like your experience but I do understand the frustration. It's like why is my mind doing this?! You're unwell not a dickhead. Do you have anything you enjoy you can do? Like read or watch something or craft? Sorry if this is a shit suggestion. I know doing something but it too challenging helps me.