I’m having a really hard time, I need a moan and don’t want to burden my friends or DH

[FFSOMG]

I’m inpatient in a psychiatric intensive care unit, I’ve been here about a month? I think. Before this I was on an acute psychiatric ward, which I was admitted to in October last year, so it’s approaching a year of being inpatient. I had a month at home in April.

I have emotionally unstable personality disorder and mixed bipolar disorder. I self harm severely (without being graphic) and have made many serious suicide attempts which have led to staff needing to resuscitate me, seizures etc etc blah blah. I’ve absconded and been picked up by the police a lot. Had good and rough treatment.

I haven’t slept in two days and I just broke down today in a meeting with the psychologist, consultant psychiatrist, ward manager and nurse. I lost it a bit I’m ashamed to say. I just feel so lost. I have a loving, supportive DH and two beautiful DS’s, I should be enjoying my life not stuck in endless misery.

I’m waiting for a bed to come up in my home town on the acute ward, endless waiting. I haven’t seen my family for three weeks. I’ve had no psychological input here apart from 4 sessions when I first arrived. I had therapy in the acute hospital but I was having ECT treatment at the same time (I had ten sessions of ECT) so I don’t remember any of it.

I spent all of Christmas on 1:1, children weren’t allowed on the ward and I wasn’t allowed off the ward to go to the family visiting room so I didn’t see my children over Christmas at all.

I know people with EUPD get a bashing on here, but we are suffering humans, not trying to make lives harder for everyone else.

Urgh. I’ve spent so much of today crying. I had a job I enjoyed before my breakdown last year, now I can’t see me ever going back.

I asked to be discharged today, they said no. I asked for escorted leave on the hospital grounds, they said no (too risky). I’m just sat waiting. The acute ward had a meeting about me today with their psychologist to work out what they’re going to do with me (“how best to support me”) so I find out what they’ve said tomorrow. More waiting.

I know it’s self sabotaging but I stopped taking my medication because I feel like I should feel worse, as punishment, and in the hopes it will give me the drive to end it quickly when I get off the ward, before the police find me. So that’s stupid of me I know, but that makes me feel worse, which just continues the cycle. So I’m having withdrawal effects to deal with (venlafaxine is one med I’m on which is known for horrible withdrawals).

I’m so sorry, I’m ready for a bashing. But I just needed an outlet, I don’t talk to the staff, I find it difficult to open up.

You can do this. You can get through this and get better, I believe in you. Please believe and keep trying. Please don’t give up

You are so not a dickhead. You're extremely ill and it sounds as though you're having an incredibly tough time of it.

I know of two acquaintances with very similar diagnoses, both of whom were hospitalised but have made a full recovery within two years. They both have boys too. Once they started to recover it happened quite quickly and both have returned to work now. Friends have been massively supportive - I'm sure yours miss you and will be too.

Yes please take your medication so that you can get well and back to your children

OPand bloody well done for taking them tonight.

I wanted to post because I feel I have been through this from a different angle.

Eight years ago a professional friend and colleague called me and asked me to meet her at the local mental health unit after court, we are solicitors. I didn't think twice, it was a common occurrence for us, I assumed she wanted a second opinion on a client or something witnessed. I met her in the car park and several hours later she was detained in the unit. She had come from a trial in court that morning to a complete breakdown. I can remember like it was yesterday calling her husband, and parents, with her permission. Both thought I was going to say she had been in an accident. It was so sudden and out the blue.

She was a patient on a residential basis on and off, mainly on for nearly two years. She had the maximum level of ECT treatment, nothing seemed to work. With time and cooperation ultimately she is doing great.

A few things spring to mind for me with you. Like with her, your medication clearly isn't working for you for whatever reason as yet. Now that may be because as you say you stopped taking it, or it may be it needs adjusted. Either way that needs raised with your doctors. She had many many different combinations before a rhythm was established.

Do you have someone to talk to? I don't mean a medical person, I mean someone talking for you sometimes and listening to you? Many services offer an advocate support system. Almost like an independent friend who will meet you many times a week and sit with you at meetings and advocate with you or on your behalf. The fact that you say in your title you don't want to burden family or friends makes me think you would benefit hugely from this.

When she recovered, many things did give for her. Her job, she did not return, and me. She sent a heartfelt thanks but I had been there and seen to much and she needed, rightly so, to move on from that. It still makes me sad but it wasn't about how I felt, just that she was better and home with her children and husband.

Wishing you a restful night OP. I hope things begin to improve for you. If you wanted to give a general location by PM or here geography wise I'm happy to research advocates or similar that might be of help to you.

As the child of a parent who attempted suicide, I promise you your children would be devastated by your sucess. Your continued existence in the world sounds painfully hard but the hole you leave won't be filled. You are important, you are incredibly fragile but you can heal. It takes time, a lot of time but it will happen, slowly.

I have had a similar experience before, the staff are waiting for you to begin your mood lifting upward. You know it will happen, try to avoid self-sabotage, follow the motions towards a boring normal existence and eventually you’ll find you’re there again.

Eat. Medicate. Breathe. Bathe. Sleep. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Okay first of all sending you lots of hugs and happy thoughts

I've been in a very similar situation (not inside as long as you though) and the best advice I can give you is to TAKE THE DAMN MEDICATION! Yes you may get side effects and feel a bit sorry for yourself at first but please please please take what you're prescribed unless you have a really good reason not too (very bad reaction), I have BPD and I laugh on a daily basis when I think about how far I've come, I'm SO healthy and even though it took a long time I gotta tell you it's so worth it. Psychological treatments can only work if you want them to and the meds will help you get into that mindset. You are ill and you don't deserve to be, fight it and overcome it because life is so much better than this. My husband left me when I was in hospital, never saw him or spoke to him again. You've got support and I would've given anything for that. Take it one day at a time. I did it and so can you

Sorry you are going through this, op.
Keep taking your medication and slowly it should begin to help your recovery. Love to you.

How are you doing this morning?

Hello everyone, thank you for your messages. I took zopiclone and lorazepam last night and I slept! The whole night! 10-7.30, then fell asleep again and have just woken up. I hope I can still sleep tonight. I feel like I just need to sleep, which is a good sign.

I feel less desperate. I briefly saw the ward psychologist who told me that I will get the first bed that comes available on the acute ward, and that she will speak with the psychologist there to liaise, and the doctor here is going to speak to the doctor there too about their assessment of my needs and what they think will help me.

I haven’t been brought my morning medication so I’m going to ask for it now.

@ffsomg obviously I don't know anything about what your doctors are recommending but it seems sensible to see if you can eat a little something too. I'm no doctor but I know that all bodies need sleep and nourishment in order to feel even just a little bit human. So see if you can keep things going in the right direction, ok?

A mother at my children's school died by suicide and the devastation it has caused is unbelievable. Mental illness and its fallout impacts on entire communities. Your head is telling you all kinds of nonsense but I know from bitter experience that even those who know you only tangentially would be horribly upset if anything happened to you. You are precious and deserving of love and care.

Tell them you have stopped taking your medications.

You will not get better without your meds.

Sorry - I missed your update about starting to take your meds again.

Well done.

Maybe remind yourself that illness requires medication, and mental illness is no different.

Also remind yourself that illness can strike anyone, including mental illness. There's no 'should' about illness. You wouldn't say "I shouldn't have had a heart attack' and the same goes for a difficult episode of mental health.

Hi op . I'm so sorry you're having such a rubbish time. I understand a bit because I was sectioned and had an extended stay in a mother and baby unit a few years back, nothing as severe as you though. I really understand that you want to be home
But you're probably in the best place for you atm

How’s it going OP?