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Original poster

Low sperm Count & he's telling me to leave him

36 replies

Pionalbe · 16/09/2019 12:20

Name changed for this for obvious reasons.

Partner went to GP because he couldn't get an erection and he did a seman analysis and was told he has a low sperm Count so probably won't be able to have children.

He's been telling me he knows I don't love him anymore.

He told me to leave him because I want children and he won't be able to give me a child. And this morning he told me to leave him and be with a real man.

And it doesn't help that his parents keep asking us when I'm going to have their grandchild (he's an only child). Partner told them we are trying (to try and get them to shut up about it) but now his parents ask how it's going. Yesterday we went round and they asked and he walked away because he was going to start crying and they just assumed I had a miscarriage.

Don't know what I want from this post.

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 16/09/2019 12:44

I think you and your DP need to keep talking.

You together need to discuss whether you together would be willing to stay childless, try ICSI/IVF, use donor sperm, or adopt. You probably need time to read up and dwell upon the pros and cons of each option.

His parents need to be told politely to stop asking and you will let them know if there is anything to tell them.

TeenPlusTwenties · 16/09/2019 12:45

(I'm assuming neither of you really wants to split up over this, whatever he says.)

Original poster
Pionalbe · 16/09/2019 13:27

Yes I want to stay with him. But he thinks I don't and that I'm only with him to make him happy.

Yesterday his parents asked me what was wrong with him and when I said I didn't know (i did) they assumed I had a miscarriage. And they went on about how we will have another chance at being parents.

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sebanna · 16/09/2019 13:34

My husband was diagnosed with a low sperm count, ten years ago. I was absolutely desperate for a baby at the time. We were both heartbroken and devastated by the news so I just wanted to offer my sympathy to you both. We were referred for ICSI, and while it wasn't always emotionally easy to go through and didn't work the first time, in the end we were really lucky and ended up with twins.

I think this really hard for your husband because he feels he has failed you when in reality it is a medical problem. I think he needs reassurance from you that you still love him and want to stay with him and that you will find away through together. Hope it all works out for you.

sebanna · 16/09/2019 13:36

Is your husband close to his parents, are they likely to be supportive?

beachcomber70 · 16/09/2019 13:36

A close relative has a low sperm count. Him and his wife had IVF treatment and now have 2 children.
He should not despair.

PamEars · 16/09/2019 13:38

It's a bit odd of your PIL to ask how TTC is going. Were they hoping for a blow by blow account?
Keep reassuring him you love him for him and explore your options.

Original poster
Pionalbe · 16/09/2019 13:54

They probably would be supportive but not sure. He doesn't want anyone else to know especially his parents because he is an only child so would feel like he's failed them aswell.

I think his parents are asking if I was pregnant when they ask how ttc is going.

I told him I still love him but he said i dont and that I'm just saying that

OP posts:
TheSecondMrsAshwell · 16/09/2019 13:57

It's a bit odd of your PIL to ask how TTC is going.

Not really, my DDad was really keen to have DGC and once shouted at me about it. Never mind that I wasn't in a relationship at the time. Not even sleeping with anyone on a casual basis. He kind of got blinkered about it and I suspect OP's ILs are the same.

I believe my DM had a quiet word with his kneecaps him.

sebanna · 16/09/2019 14:14

Have you asked your partner how he would feel about you, if you were to be diagnosed with a medical or fertility problem, would he still love you? Or would he want to trade you in for someone new with no problems?

Could he tell his parents you are still trying but there been no news as of yet but he will let them know when there is and in the meantime could they stop asking for updates. His parents are probably worried about him if they have seen him upset.

Original poster
Pionalbe · 16/09/2019 14:15

Yes his parents want a grandchild so they keep asking.

Partner thought they would they would stop going on about it when he said we are trying but they keep going on about it now everytime we see them.

OP posts:
berlinbabylon · 16/09/2019 14:16

His parents sound like peaches. Your kids aren't there to be, or be with, brood mares to make them grandparents! How horrible.

LemonPrism · 16/09/2019 14:18

Sounds like he needs some therapy to help him reframe his self esteem. It's not healthy for him to be thinking this way.

I mean wouldn't he rather you had a baby with him using donor sperm than you just left and had one with someone else? He sounds utterly destroyed.

Original poster
Pionalbe · 16/09/2019 14:22

He said he would stay with me and love me but he said he isn't good enough for me anymore and I would be better off without him.

After he told them that we were trying they stopped asking for about 2 weeks but started again. He said they were like this when he was single as they kept asking when he would get a girlfriend and when we went on our second date they kept asking when he would ask me to be his girlfriend.

OP posts:
narkedinNI · 16/09/2019 14:22

I think you need to have a good talk about what practical steps (if any) you are both willing to take to have a baby. In the meantime he needs to have counselling to get out of failure mode. You need to honestly ask yourself if this is a dealbreaker or not. What you really, really don't want is to be childless in ten years time and he is still going on about not being a real man and you finding someone else. He needs to work towards acceptance that he may never have bio kids and how he can come to terms with that not only for himself, but wrt you and his parents.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 16/09/2019 14:47

I felt like this when I found out my changes of having children were slim and I’d let my DH down. You can work together on it but there is a massive feeling of guilt about denying the person you love something fundamental. Guilt is an incredibly powerful emotion and can eat you up.

However his parents are rude and need to be told not to raise the topic again. If they do have a plan between you of what you do, something like staying completely silent or saying “we have asked you not to talk about it and do not wish to discuss you with you”.
Boundaries required.

Original poster
Pionalbe · 16/09/2019 15:02

Partner usually doesn't answer them but yesterday they kept talking about it and they upset him.

He doesn't want to talk about it with me properly except when he tells me to leave him etc

OP posts:
Boopeedoop · 16/09/2019 18:22

This happened to a relative of mine. He produced no sperm at all. The drs have him medication to make him produce sperm and now he is a very proud dad.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 16/09/2019 18:52

Hi OP. Do you know his actual motile percentage? Mine was below 20% when we went through AIH, and we got the bullseye first go. As long as there's even 5%, there's a fighting chance.

slipperywhensparticus · 16/09/2019 18:55

I have two kids naturally from someone who had a million to one shot at having kids according to the doctors

Original poster
Pionalbe · 16/09/2019 18:58

I spoke to him earlier and he has told me to leave him and have a child with someone else and he just won't have any children and that he wouldn't be a good dad anyway.

I told him that we could adopt, use donor sperm etc but he said that the baby wouldn't even be his.

And I suggested him get counselling and he said no because that wouldn't help him be a dad.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 16/09/2019 19:10

I would give serious consideration to how these people will be once your have children with their son. I would also he very concerned that your husband has jumped into marriage to you and having children not because he wants it but because his parents told him too.

Your husband doesn't seem able or willing to maintain healthy boundaries.

Take a step back for a second. Think about how your life will be with these nutcases constantly harassing you and no choice to pull back as your share children with your husband...who won't deal with it and expects you to put up with it. In the event of divorce, I guarantee these in laws would ensure it would be hideous.

Think very carefully. 🚩🚩🚩

Original poster
Pionalbe · 16/09/2019 19:28

I know he wants children and when we spoke about children before I know he isn't saying he wants children because of his parents.

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 16/09/2019 19:42

I reckon 99% of the joy in children is the same whether you are bringing up genetically related ones, or not. You still get the same joy in in seeing them grow and learn and love. (adoptive parent)

FaithInfinity · 16/09/2019 19:48

It’s worth asking for his prolactin levels to be tested. There are health issues that cause low testosterone (so erection problems and low sperm count) including high prolactin levels. DH had this, they found the cause, treated it and I got pregnant. It’s worth exploring.

Fertility issues put a huge strain on any relationship. We had counselling which helped to get us talking again when things got strained. Your DH needs to be firm with his parents though. A basic ‘We will tell you when there is news but please stop asking, it’s too upsetting’ should suffice.

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