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Original poster

How do I deal with this childcare situation with friend??

46 replies

TellerTuesday4EVA · 15/09/2019 20:47

Apologies in advance as I know this will get waffly & long winded but I think all info is relevant.

DFriend has been stuck for childcare on a weekend since before the summer holidays as her mum who provided it previously has had to go back to work herself. DF's main work day is a Sunday as she gets paid double time. I now have DF's daughter (age 10) - I'll call her M - from 8am - 6pm on Sunday and I have my own DD (age 6), DH works away so isn't around unless on longer leave. This all fine, the problem comes with activities etc we do & DF feeling indebted to me.

It was agreed from the start that I didn't want anything for having her, it's a favour to DF & M is no bother at all, both DD & I enjoy having her with us.

DF & I are in very different financial situations, she's a single parent on a low income and her parents who previously helped her out a lot have had their own financial hardship recently hence her DM going back to work herself. DH & I are by no means rich but we're comfortable and have two wages coming in (DH's considerably more but that hasn't always been the case).

On a Sunday M comes with DD & I wherever the 3 of us decide to go. Today it's been the cinema, last week trampoline park, we've done a theme park one week, swimming etc. I honestly do not begrudge paying for M at all, whatever DD gets M gets the same (popcorn at the cinema & so on) it's not a problem but DF is getting anxious & said she feels that she's taking advantage of me and said it feels like charity.

She's attempted to give me £10/£20 when dropping her off which I've said I don't want, she's insisted a few times, I kept it to one side then gave her it back when she was going food shopping as I knew she was short after getting school uniform.

Now she's keeping a list & is insistent that she will keep a record & pay me back which I know she can't afford to do & I just honestly do not want it but she just doesn't see it that way. She said it all adds up which yes I know it will but it's not enough to effect anything for us, I've tried saying it's only what I would spend if DH was time with us on a weekend anyway. I've said just to get me a nice candle or something at Christmas if she really feels she needs to get me something in return.

I'm starting to feel wary of doing activities & things with them as I don't want her recording it all on her list but the truth is I would rather take them out & do something to break the day up. Also now DD is back at school during the week she wants to do things on a weekend. Plus I think it's going to get harder now the weathers turning as we did a lot free things on the Sunday in the summer such as beach, splash park etc.

This isn't every single Sunday, sometimes we'll just do swimming for a couple of hours & be at home the rest of the day do some baking, DD & M playing computer games, watching TV etc.

We've been friends since our first day of primary school 30 odd years ago, she knows me well enough to know that if I say I don't mind then I don't but it's just getting awkward & I don't know how to get around it.

OP posts:

ShirleyPhallus · 15/09/2019 20:50

I’m not surprised she is giving you money, I’d feel awkward about that too

Can’t you just do free / cheap stuff? Craft days in the garden, trips to the local park, feeding the ducks etc

It sounds like you’re picking pretty expensive activities, when there is so much free stuff just do that then limit the good treats to once a month?

BackforGood · 15/09/2019 20:52

It's really difficult as I'd feel the same as your friend.
She already feels really indebted to you for doing the childcare - that is incredibly generous of you in itself. Now, when my dc were young we didn't have th budget to do things like cinema or tramploine park more than once a year or 6 months, so it must appear to your friend that you are paying out masses of money to entertain her dd, which makes her feel even worse about you having her each week.

OTOH, if that is your normal family budget and way of doing things and it really makes no difference to you to pay for the other dc as well, then it would be unfair on your dc to be limited in what you do, because the other girl is with you.

I don't know the answer, but can totally understand your friend, tbh.

jellycatspyjamas · 15/09/2019 20:53

Let her give you something - it doesn’t matter how much or whether it makes a difference to you, it’ll help her pride especially if you’re going places that she wouldn’t usually go to. There’s nothing worse than feeling like the poor friend, so let her contribute a bit.

Put it all to one side and get a massage or a treat for yourself, or give it to her daughter to use to pay for popcorn etc.

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formerbabe · 15/09/2019 20:53

Maybe she could repay the favour by looking after your dc occasionally?

Hassled · 15/09/2019 20:53

Firstly - you're a great friend and she's lucky to have you. And she appreciates your loveliness - it's so nice to have two nice-sounding people feature in a thread!

You're just going to have to sit her down and just say everything you've said here. I can understand why she's feeling the way she does, though - she must feel massively in your debt, and that's never comfortable. So can she repay you in kind, if not in cash? Could she babysit one weekday evening for you to go out somewhere? Is there a club/hobby you've always wanted to take up that means you need weeknight childcare?

howdoesitworkwork · 15/09/2019 20:59

Let her give you something. She wants to, it's worth it to her. You can spend it on popcorn, tickets etc for the kids and she'll feel better.

Gymbabes · 15/09/2019 20:59

If I was the friend I would feel uncomfortable with this - silly I know but there is pride at stake. Can you offer up some situations that she can help you out with? Maybe she could look after your little one one evening a week so you can get to a gym class or whatever, have her for a sleepover when dp is home? Would be tricky not to make her feel like she's got to do something expensive though! Not sure that helps really

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 15/09/2019 20:59

I think formerbabe has the best suggestion.
Can you talk to her and ask if she'll have your DD a few dimes (possibly even overnight) when your DH is home so you can go out?
She can pay you back with something practical, then she doesn't have to struggle financially but she isn't in your debt IYSWIM?

I have to say, I would feel massively uncomfortable about the amount you're spending if I was her.

Soontobe60 · 15/09/2019 21:00

It's possibly embarrassing for her to have you constantly spend money on entertaining her DD.
My suggestion would be that you tell her you'll take £5 off her if you stay at home for the day, but will want to go on outings every few weeks with your own child and on those days you'll take £10 off her. If you didn't want that money, put it in a piggy bank and buy her DD a nice present for Christmas or her birthday.
It's you making it awkward by refusing any money. She needs her self respect.

imnotinthemood · 15/09/2019 21:03

It sounds like she knows you are massively helping her out and really appreciates it but has the guilt that she may be taking advantage. If you really really mean it that you don't want anything from her and you are as good as friends you say you are they you need to have a chat .
Perhaps like you suggest she buys you something nice at Christmas or the occasional nice bottle of wine / flowers to say thank you . Tbh if she didn't offer in a few months you couldn't start to feel resentful and not want to mind her dc anymore perhaps that's what's she's worried about .

Happypelican · 15/09/2019 21:06

Why don’t just accept the money she gives you and put it aside it will make her feel less guilty and uncomfortable. Save it all up and use that for taking them out at some point.

cherry2727 · 15/09/2019 21:09

It sounds like you’re picking pretty expensive activities, when there is so much free stuff just do that then limit the good treats to once a month?

So OP's dd has to go without the activities that her parent work so hard to provide because she doing a friend a massive favour by providing childcare ??!!! Gush!! The likes of some people on here !!

Op - firstly, you sound like a very generous friend - that's very kind of you . I can see your dilemma though. The fact that it's very Sunday and not occasional will eventually take its toll financially. Whilst your friend isn't as financially stable as you are , I believe that she is offering you money as she values the help that she's getting from you as it would have cost her far more than than £10/20 if she used a professional childminder/sitter. Could you possibly take half some times and return the other half to her , take none at times or take a certain percentage ? Just alternate it . That way you're showing empathy for her financial situation but also not making her feel awful as I imagine she would be . You sound like a lovely friend .

hidinginthenightgarden · 15/09/2019 21:11

Let her give you £10 every now and then. It will help her feel less of a charity case. Also dial down the big outings a bit. It may make her feel worse if she cannot afford to treat her daughter to these activities.
You are being a great friend to her so don't let this make you feel any guilt but she obviously cares that you know she isn't sponging which after reading all the CF threads on here means alot!

Fookinwot · 15/09/2019 21:12

You’re making her feel so much worse by not accepting her token gestures, it would be much kinder of you to accept them and put them towards buying snacks on your days out.

moanyhole · 15/09/2019 21:13

Could she mind your dd sometimes if only to give you a break. It wont cost her anything but helps her repay you something and gives you a break to yourself

Carpetburns · 15/09/2019 21:16

You sound like a lovely person OP. I'd love to be as nice as you...your friend is lucky to have you.
I'd take the odd £10/£20 that she offers you as it might stop her from making the list.

GetUpAgain · 15/09/2019 21:24

I can see both sides and empathise with both of you. You sound like great friends and my only advice is keep talking, you will find a solution.

NoSquirrels · 15/09/2019 21:33

Theme park is really a big treat - trampolining same ... I can see why it’s awkward.

I like the PP’s suggestion of £5-10 per week. That’s affordable, clear, you can point out that some weeks you won’t spend it so sometimes you’ll have more saved up to do other things. Limit the ‘big trips’ and make it clear on those occasions it’s your treat entirely, but most Sundays will come under the £5 costs.

Ask her if she’ll babysit and/or provide a different quid pro quo if she’s got skills etc.

Don’t embarrass her. You need to accept something, and it’s easier if you agree to because then she can budget rather than feeling obliged to scrape an extra £20 together when you’ve surprised her with a theme park outing.

ThatLibraryMiss · 15/09/2019 21:34

Does she have skills that she could use to make something for you, thus swapping her time for your money? Cakes, hats, gloves and scarves if she knits, a quilt if she sews...

Hugsgalore · 15/09/2019 21:42

I think what you are doing is really lovely BUT... if I was your friend I would be gutted that the only time my dd get to go to the cinema, theme parks etc is not with me.

I think as parents we always have the desire to be the ones to provide these things for our children and to share these experiences with them. I would be eternally grateful to my friend for taking my dd while I worked but I would be secretly heartbroken that I was unable to bring my dd on these trips.

As someone said earlier maybe you should scale it back for a while and do some free activities.

Next time she tries to give you money why not tell her to keep it and maybe she could return the favour by bringing your daughter for an ice cream son day

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/09/2019 21:47

Can you frame it that your daughter enjoys a day put more because her friend is there? When we take a friend with us we never expect a payment, we do it because it great for our son to have company now he's the only one at home.

sanmiguel · 15/09/2019 21:52

I would ensure the theme park/cinema days out are every other Sunday or every third and try and keep some days for craft/baking/cheap to free at home and accept a tenner on the days you go out.
I would personally feel uncomfortable you having my child every week without a contribution. It'll make her feel anxious about picking up the shifts.

Timandra · 15/09/2019 21:54

Explain to her that you would like to be able to take the girls out to activities they enjoy without worrying about her feeling guilty and under pressure to pay. If she insists on paying, you won't feel able to do the things you want to do with your weekends so please could she just let you get on with it and take responsibility for any costs.

Hazardd · 15/09/2019 21:58

I think saying a fiver each week would be an okay compromise? Explain some wks you do free stuff, other wks it costs so a fiver every wk will cover it pretty much. And explain you love having her dd and you would hate to profit off your friend.

woodymiller · 15/09/2019 22:03

Well, this is the complete opposite to the usual "problem providing childcare" threads, not a CF in sight, just friends genuinely wanting to help/not take advantage. Totally refreshing. Is your DD an only child? Can you tell your friend how lovely it is for your DD to have company on these outings, that you appreciate her DD being an older role model. I think asking her to reciprocate by having your daughter for a sleepover maybe once a month would be a good way to "balance the books" as it were. Don't stop the outings but maybe check for deals eg on Groupon, or a family membership for National Trust or local zoo where it doesn't make a difference if you're taking an extra child in with you. (Haven't checked any of this myself just brainstorming for you). Or sort something beforehand eg/ I'm going to take girls to cinema this week, I'll get the tickets but would you provide snacks? Some popcorn and pick 'n' mix from the supermarket would be a couple of quid

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