How do I deal with this childcare situation with friend??

[TellerTuesday4EVA]

Apologies in advance as I know this will get waffly & long winded but I think all info is relevant.

DFriend has been stuck for childcare on a weekend since before the summer holidays as her mum who provided it previously has had to go back to work herself. DF's main work day is a Sunday as she gets paid double time. I now have DF's daughter (age 10) - I'll call her M - from 8am - 6pm on Sunday and I have my own DD (age 6), DH works away so isn't around unless on longer leave. This all fine, the problem comes with activities etc we do & DF feeling indebted to me.

It was agreed from the start that I didn't want anything for having her, it's a favour to DF & M is no bother at all, both DD & I enjoy having her with us.

DF & I are in very different financial situations, she's a single parent on a low income and her parents who previously helped her out a lot have had their own financial hardship recently hence her DM going back to work herself. DH & I are by no means rich but we're comfortable and have two wages coming in (DH's considerably more but that hasn't always been the case).

On a Sunday M comes with DD & I wherever the 3 of us decide to go. Today it's been the cinema, last week trampoline park, we've done a theme park one week, swimming etc. I honestly do not begrudge paying for M at all, whatever DD gets M gets the same (popcorn at the cinema & so on) it's not a problem but DF is getting anxious & said she feels that she's taking advantage of me and said it feels like charity.

She's attempted to give me £10/£20 when dropping her off which I've said I don't want, she's insisted a few times, I kept it to one side then gave her it back when she was going food shopping as I knew she was short after getting school uniform.

Now she's keeping a list & is insistent that she will keep a record & pay me back which I know she can't afford to do & I just honestly do not want it but she just doesn't see it that way. She said it all adds up which yes I know it will but it's not enough to effect anything for us, I've tried saying it's only what I would spend if DH was time with us on a weekend anyway. I've said just to get me a nice candle or something at Christmas if she really feels she needs to get me something in return.

I'm starting to feel wary of doing activities & things with them as I don't want her recording it all on her list but the truth is I would rather take them out & do something to break the day up. Also now DD is back at school during the week she wants to do things on a weekend. Plus I think it's going to get harder now the weathers turning as we did a lot free things on the Sunday in the summer such as beach, splash park etc.

This isn't every single Sunday, sometimes we'll just do swimming for a couple of hours & be at home the rest of the day do some baking, DD & M playing computer games, watching TV etc.

We've been friends since our first day of primary school 30 odd years ago, she knows me well enough to know that if I say I don't mind then I don't but it's just getting awkward & I don't know how to get around it.

I really dont think OP should change what she wants to do with her DD because shes doing her friend a favour. The friend cant (indirectly) dictate what activities OP does or doesnt do with her own weekends!

Ask her if the situation was reversed would she want to take money from you? And tell her she can pay you back, whether that’s in babysitting when needed or in another 30 years when you might be the one needing her support.

Different situation, but I was in a similar position with a very close friend a good few years ago. Like you, I genuinely didn’t mind in the slightest, financially it made no odds to me but contributing would have to her. I was just happy I was able to be of help and was upset at the idea of her going without to repay me. The only real way of getting round it was to discuss it openly and tell her that it was a friendship helping hand, not a financial one that could only be repaid in cash, and more importantly friends don’t keep favour tally’s. And that any relief/ pleasure I got from the situation would be taken away if she felt she owed me.

Why can't you and Dd do your expensive day outs on a Saturday and use Sunday as a chill day, go to the park, go for walks day, bake biscuits and cake kind of day.
It's making your friend uncomfortable enough to offer money she can't afford.

Some good suggestions, thank you all.

Sorry the theme park does sound massively OTT when I've read it back... we all have season passes (DF included) so it's not the actual theme park entry I've paid for. We got them one Christmas & then get a massive reduction to renew them each year.

I do like the suggestion of taking £5/£10 depending on if we're staying at home or going out but this is what happened previously & I ended up giving her back. I just don't want her leaving herself short by giving me it which I know she was doing.

You're a great friend, OP. Having been a working lone parent I know how dark those days were- thank you for being a light for her.

In your shoes I'd tell a few white lies. "we got 2for1 at the theme park" "I had a voucher for the trampoline park" etc!

You sound like a lovely person OP! I don't think you should change anything or not take them out because your friend may be embarrassed. I would talk to her as openly as you posted and explain and if she does offer £10 or so, take it. Something like this shouldn't ruin the arrangement that works for all of you, DD'ss included.

What a wonderful person you are. I can’t really add to other comments! Perhaps say you’ll only do Groupon days out or freebie days in for a while? Perhaps a special day at half term. WHY am I welling up

Does your friend get to do similar fun stuff with her child or is she constantly watching the pennies? This might be contributing to the guilt.

I just don't want her leaving herself short by giving me it which I know she was doing.

I think if she could plan ahead for it though, she'd budget for the cost and not leave herself short. It's the panic feeling of trying to come up with a contribution you weren't planning for that's stressful on a low income.

She obviously wants to 'pay her way', but realistically she can't do that because Sunday all-day childcare would be prohibitively expensive. So take a token payment, have it be a predictable expense, that you've both agreed to, and then everyone feels like their side of the bargain is upheld. She said it feels like charity, which is making her uncomfortable, and as you don't want her to feel uncomfortable you really do need to trust her that she can afford to give you some money. Giving it back because you "know she's leaving herself short" is crossing the line, really. Different if she's trying to cover the full costs, then that would make YOU uncomfortable, but agree a token amount and then you can both draw a line under it.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong, and understand your position, but I also get where DF is coming from! Could you not spend a few Sundays doing stuff at home, such as baking, crafts, dvd afternoon, board games afternoon, painting their nails etc so that it doesn't look like you have spent a fortune? I think I would be mortified if I was your friend, and knew there was no way I could financially pay you back.

You are a good friends. And it is lovely they children get to grow up so close and will have an amazing life long bond. Because u have been friends so long I would go down the road of "she is like a niece to me I honestly am glad of her company. Please dont give me money." "I know u would do they same for me".
It's hard because if u can afford to do the activities why shouldn't u. U should have to find free stuff all the time. In the same breath your finance are different and df obviously wants to pay her way but will struggle to do so. I dont think I would take any money in this instance. Not if it leaves her short.

I've been in a very similar position to you, with my very dear friend who is a lone parent to two children, one of whom has quite complex needs. I've provided childcare regularly over the years, as I know her Ds well, and I know she finds it almost impossible to find an alternative arrangement. It's been hard for her, as we're both very conscious of the difference in our financial circumstances. I would never ever want to take money from her, but she's a proud person and I'd hate to embarrass her. It was difficult at times, I couldn't ask her to reciprocate childcare, as it would be too much to ask her to take my two as well as her own two.
As it happened (to cut a very long story short!) I've had the most horrendous time in my personal life over the past three years, and the support she's given me has been incredible - to the point that I genuinely don't know what I would have done without her.
Long term friendships are like that, aren't they? Nobody needs to keep a tally of who owes what. You help each other out, and there will be times that one of you needs more support than the other. Remind her of this

Your both such lovely people...id take the money every do often just so she doesn't feel bad but I'd end up giving it back or buying her something she needs with it....keep being lovely

You sound like a really good friend.

She’s obviously feeling bad, but it sounds like she’s trying.

She is really lucky to have you 🙂

Firstly OP you sound like an amazing/super supportive friend and she is very lucky to have you helping her when she needs it.

I totally understand why your friend feels the way she does, it must be a bit uncomfortable for her. However, this sounds like a long term commitment to watch her DD that you are making, and that’s a big ask/thing to do. It’s your weekend with your DD as well so obviously you want to do the things you’d normally do- and if you are more than happy to include M in this and can comfortably afford it (and have stressed this several times) then you’re not doing anything wrong.

You’re friend also sounds like a lovely person for worrying about it so much and trying to offer you money that she can spare- far too many people would probably go the other way. Maybe you could just take the odd bit of cash if it made her feel better about the arrangement, or you could suggest as already mentioned, that she baby sits for you when you need it etc. I wouldn’t worry about it all too much. You sound like life long good friends- and relationships like this can swing in roundabouts- you never know when you’ll be relying on her for something in some way and I’m sure she’ll be able to repay the favour

I agree with the poster who said about white lies. Its shit lying but she feels shit about her situation.

I would say oo it was a groupon deal it only costed my 3 quid more to take your dd than it would have normally ect.

And ask her to have your dd once a month overnight so you can go out with your dh. She will feel like she's helping you too. It sounds like you all have a lovely friendship.

I would accept a token amount , it is very hard to be struggling and someone else is able to take your child to all the places you would love to take them to. I think it is important for the child to know her mum is contributing . You can take your own snacks to most cinemas and take a picnic on some days out . Making your own child aware that sometimes it's sensible to do something on a budget is no bad thing . You are doing is being a lovely supportive friend and I am sure she realises this and doesn't want to take advantage .

What a wonderful DF you are. Can my DC come to yours ?

Personally I would feel put out and feel I owe you (I even do with Aunts and uncles)
But is it more....she feels bad on
A) She can't repay you or
B) She can't afford to do this for her own DD ?? (Think its possibly more this tbh)
I would hate it in that situation, yes I have been there.

Maybe just have a chat with DF and find out if she is feeling "put out" by all the things you are doing.
I totally understand you don't want the children stuck indoors but maybe cut the spending down for a little bit ? My mum does all sorts with the children, including holidays 8n this country and abroad, makes me feel guilty I can't do it and I feel like the worst parent ever. But I accept it, the children love it, they get to spend lots of time with Grandparents who they love and adore.
So maybe it's not just about money for you DF.

Awkward.
I'd go down the 'we got a family ticket as it's cheaper that way' or 'honestly, dd is happier with a friend at these things, you are doing us a favour today'
I'd also let her give you a tenner, I hate feeling indebted to my friends even though I'm happy to help them. I guess she feels the same.

While I can well understand your friend feeling bad about it, I think she's being U to want you to give up the activities you'd normally do with your own dd, to spare her feelings.

She's extremely lucky to have free childcare from such a generous friend, so in the circs I think she needs to realise that and stop hassling you about it. OTOH it would help her if you accepted a small weekly contribution towards costs - maybe the fiver a pp suggested.

OP, you sound like such a lovely and kind person. I can see why your friend feels uncomfortable, I think I would in the same situation. But I also think it would be a shame for your DD to miss out on these activities.
I agree with what PP have said. It's clearly important to her that she doesn't feel like you're out of pocket, so I would either accept the amount she offers and put it towards activities for the girls or sit down with her and suggest some times that she might help you out with childcare so that the favour is repaid. It sounds like a really good thing for both girls to have each other's friendship!
The other thing you could do is look out for free events going on in the community- there are often lots of cheap/free things to do in the run up to Xmas especially. Sundays might be trickier but could be worth checking!