I give up

[Goodbyefarewell]

Have obviously namechanged as to make myself anonamous...

My DP is in jail for DV against me. I can't describe the hurt he has caused me. I will not go into it unless someone specifically asks me. Do i get back with him? my heart is broken.

The answer to your ? Is and do not judge is simple if you want to. No one knows what you have been through apart from you. No one knows how you feel and or the pain. I got back with my dh and we had an abusive relationship for the first 4 years. I have been with him now for 19 years. Some was his doing and I know that I antagonised him. It can work although love is not an easy road in life so you will have to try and try harder everytime you both have a disagreement.
IF YOU WANT TO!
Do not be put of by small minded people who have opinions that people do not change.
THEY CAN! And do.

Thatagain could not give worse advise. It may have worked for them but consider the consequences if it doesn't work, how damaging it would be. There's no current evidence to show it would work so don't even try. It's FAR safer to just consider it over. Children are an issue because you can't move away but you have to break free of his control. You think you are free of it but the fact is, if you're asking these questions and the only thing you have in response to our answers is "i do still love him" he still has you. Get used to being without him as soon as possible. Enjoy it and feel the benefits compared to being under his overbearing presence. Dont grieve, you should be celebrating being free so that when he's out, and he starts putting the pressure and the sob stories and the guilt trips on you, you won't care. You will be happier without him than with him. We, all, promise.

Do not listen to @Thatagain.

He will say whatever he needs to to keep you dangling and waiting for him. You say you can tell the anger is still there - believe your gut, of course the anger is still there he is trying to mask it but you have admitted you know it’s there.
Once he comes out and he has worked his way back in with you he will then unmask himself and show you the full brunt of his rage.
You have a daughter - do you want her to have a relationship like this when she is older?? By staying with him you are telling her that this is normal and acceptable and she will find herself drawn to sjmilar men.
If you want to take the risk of being battered /abused and possibly even killed (these men always escalate eventually) then that’s up to you, you are a stranger on the internet and I have no investment in whether you live or die but please leave him if for no other reason than to protect your daughter. Once she gets older and cheeky and normal child behaviour he will do the same to her. She doesn’t eat her tea - a whack, she goes out and doesn’t come home on time - a black eye and so on. Please think about your daughter. Even though you say she is young - she will know things and some of this will stay with her forever,

Please stop visiting him or taking his calls you will never be able to clear your mind of exactly how bad this situation is when he's still got some control of you and telling you things he knows you want to hear please take this time while he's in prison for yourself, get out and about and make new friends and try new things build yourself up (local groups or a new hobby, a part time corse at college, local events it's your life and only you should be in control of it build that confidence back up and take it back.
you have a child please don't let the life she's already had be her entire childhood and chances are he may move onto her as they so often do, this type of childhood seeing they parents like this and being controlled etc theres been so much research on what it does to a person one being women who grow up in this kind of family dynamic are far more likely to end up in a relationship just as they mother once was, us women/ mothers we much stronger than we know and it's up to us to lead by example to our babies don't let this man destroy your whole life, you and your dd deserve far more 💗

This piece of writing really helped me to understand and reconcile my feelings, OP I hope it helps you too. You are allowed to miss him, you are allowed to grieve the man you thought you knew and loved but please don’t go back. I was once told by a man who had been convicted of DV that “once I’ve done it once I will do it again”

When it was over, I wasn't permitted to mourn him. No one could understand how love, hate, fear and comfort could coexist simultaneously. They could not understand that in addition to my abuser, I also lost my confidant, the person to make dinner with, the person to watch movies with on a rainy Sunday, the person to laugh with, the person who knew me. I lost my companion. How can you explain to someone that the abuse was only a part of who he was? How do you explain that to yourself?

There are still days when I remember tender moments and wonder if it really was that bad. I still struggle with reconciling how he could love me to the point of tears and yet hurt me as if I was an enemy. Like a child, I'm learning to redefine the borders of normal behavior and to realign my expectations. I remind myself that acts of violence can never be acts of love”

I'm so sorry OP. When I read your updates, I feel like I'm reading the last words of a person who is already dead. Because he's going to kill you. He has raped and beaten you and you said yourself the anger is still there. And I get it - you're too tired to fight back and break free. It so sad that is how it ends for so many.

What will happen to your child after you are gone? Do you have family who will fight him for custody or will they end up with him full time? Xx

Dont listen to @Thatagain she sounds like a surrendered wife

A woman can bait a man all she wants a good man will not respond with violence he will walk away

Everyone has opinions if people want to criticise they can carry on their marry go round it does not bother me. Who has a perfect life? People who say do not listen to me have no idea what abuse feels like. Abuse leads to more abuse with someone else I know that. It is very hard to get an appointment with the cmht so you as an individual have to sort the issue out. You can not leave an abusive relationship with the thought that it's over now he's gone it does not happen you could be abused again by someone else as it's the chemicals inside the brain that's expecting and wanting abuse. I have spoken to several professionals and that is what they said to me..

Really! !!!!!!!!!!

Tbf I was abused from a very young age ie I was a child. Also I was abused by several men. I have not had a protected life until now.

Dear your still being abused

And I'm saying that as a survivor

But you’re so conditioned by previous abuse that you think you’re now protected. You’re not.

Jeez @Thatagain you are still being coerced and abused and you don't even realise it/have accepted it as your fate. Stop giving dangerous advice to the OP.

Her partner is in PRISON for violence against her. He is not a safe person to be with, a decent partner, or an option for her future. A Judge has decided that he is guilty and that the public must be protected from him.

OP, build a new life for yourself and for the love of your DC don't ever ever take him back. The abuse will get WORSE and your DC could end up with no parents at all.