I give up

[Goodbyefarewell]

Have obviously namechanged as to make myself anonamous...

My DP is in jail for DV against me. I can't describe the hurt he has caused me. I will not go into it unless someone specifically asks me. Do i get back with him? my heart is broken.

What a stupid question.
Why would you willingly get back with someone who abused you so badly he is in jail for it?

@Octopuscrazy I know your hearts in the right place but you clearly know nothing about the mental processes involved in victims of DV so may I suggest you do some research before commenting?

OP you absolutely will still have these feelings and they persist for a long time. I'm sure your ex had some good sides to him that made you fall in love with him - most people do - but no matter how good those points are they are all outweighed and dissolved by his abuse of you. He may say he loves you and he well do so in so as far as HE understands and believes he can but that is a twisted love NOT real, healthy love which is AMAAAAZING when you REALLY experience it. It doesn't have those excruciating painful roller coaster highs and lows to start with.

You need to really understand that the cycle of a relationship with DV is addictive It induces a 'reward' and 'deprivation' cycle which influences a dopamine 'surge and deplete' reaction in the brain. Believe it or not you are addicted to this man and the RL and need something like WA as well as ongoing counselling to help you break free.

It's very tough, but please do not go back to him or you will get it worse next time. Ride it out and go absolutely no contact. Join DV support groups on Instagram or facebook etc.

The first thing to do ,is to decide to not visit him in prison. Also, hopefully, the prison has denied him the access to allow him to phone you. If not contact them to ask they block your number ( and any family numbers )
That will at least give you some head space away from him.
In you head you know this man is no good. It's just that your heart needs to catch up with this information. He is also probably quite good at getting under your skin, men like this are.
You need him to function ? Well actually you don't, he has just manipulated you to think that.
You can lead a good life without him, yes it takes courage to break free, but do you want to spend your life on being a punch bag, and having any children you may have seeing you black and blue, yet still making excuses for daddy ?

Thank you everyone for the replies.

I do still love him, and the only way i can describe the pain i am feeling is like grief.. but grieving for someone who hasn't died. He has contacted me and i have visited him which i know is stupid of me. I have had absolutely no support from police/womans aid/ IDVA since the trial ended which i am assuming is making me sway more towards the idea of getting back into a relationship as clearly nobody actually gives a shit to tell me otherwise.

@dotty12345 did it happen again?

He is due to be released next summer on good behaviour and i honestly believe there is absolutely no chance he would let me split up with him. He wouldn't leave it and it is not worth the bloody hassle of being harrassed, stalked and abused it is honestly easier to stay.

I think a bit of visualisation might help you here...

First, picture how your life might go if you don't take him back. Yes, there will be some sadness and loneliness, that's inevitable, but imagine all the things you're opening yourself up to, not having to fear what he might do next, not having to explain yourself to anyone who thinks you shouldn't have taken him back. Being able to make the best decisions for you.

Then picture how it might go if you do take him back. Most DV doesn't just stop because someone says they'll change and you'll never know what might trigger it again. Of course you'll be with the man you love but will you be able to trust him to be worthy of your love?

I know it's hard, but I'm sure that your future will look much brighter without him in it. Good luck

@eenymeenyminyme thank you, you are right. It is just so exhausting breaking up with him. I have tried to end the relationship many many times which he then bombards me with phone calls off mobiles and threatens me repeatedly so i just end up getting back with him. I wish i wasn't so bloody weak!!

@Goodbyefarewell it's not that you're weak, it's just that he knows the chinks in your armour to go for to hurt you. Take this time while he's inside to sort yourself out, practically and emotionally. Change your phone number + get a new email address.

You can do this!

You need to either block his calls or buy a new phone with a new number and eventually stop using the other one.

It's pretty essential you get support. Please contact WA and if he's ever raped you contact Rape Crisis also.

Not to be harsh here. But you need to recognise the danger you are in. You are very vulnerable and will end up back with him without intervention or help. You should not leave it to just your feelings which are deceptive and are not working in your best interests at present. Ask yourself how much hurt is enough? If you feel he will stalk you and harrass you please please contact the police ahead of him being released.

@eenymeenyminyme thank you so much!

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook he did rape me but i pulled out at trial of getting him done for it and ended up saying i did consent as i could bare being interrogated by his barrister for a second more as i had already bee there for 4 days.

We have a child together which his family are largely in contact with therefore he will always find out my phone number/email address.

I know i need some sort of councelling/ support but i just feel like nobody cares. My DV counsellor literally never rang me again and wont answer the phone after seeing me just twice! Its like everyone has forgot about me since the trial and only cared before the trial to support me so i would be strong enough to get on the stand! He pleaded guilty to most physical assaults so the trial wasnt for those.

So what your saying is you are actually with him under duress. You are also in a prison sentence.
Have you personally contacted Womans Aid ?
You might find that they will be of help. Or perhaps speak with a nurse / doctor at your surgery, they might be able to get you some counselling. Please do something to get out of this controlling relationship.

couldnt not could!!

@VictoriaBun the doctors have been useless, apart from dosing me up on anti depressants!

Im sure the woman who wont ring me is from womans aid. I feel awful bad mouthing these people as they usually do so much for people but honestly ive had no support!

Why are WA unsupported of you , and when did you last try ?
In the nicest possible way, could your dp worked a real headfuck on you so that you see these type of people as the enemy ?

@VictoriaBun

Why are WA unsupported of you , and when did you last try ?
I gave up after the trial. I was ringing them constantly but im unsure if the woman i was ringing was from WA or a local DV support.

In the nicest possible way, could your dp worked a real headfuck on you so that you see these type of people as the enemy ?

Yes, possibly. He is clever. But i am angry at the lack of support anyway as i think its contributed to me feeling like its the easier option to stay with him. I also find it hard not to believe that he has changed.

I'm sorry , I'm all out of suggestions then ...... but please spend some time thinking on why everything is so negative in your life. It it the world is against you, or you against the world ?

Ok.

Contact rape crisis. Be aware their phonelines are often busy and you should email them if no one picks up. They can give you help and support

Contact WA again. Perhaps he has influenced you so much you are afraid to make progress.

As you have a child has Social services been involved? Please think about what your child is seeing. The damage of DV can last for generations. I'm sorry to say, but if you know that seeing your child will be a conduit to contact then perhaps you need to really think about whether you ought to stop contact.

Are his family supportive of him? Are they the sort of family that would give your details behind your back and set up meetings between you? If so they are toxic and please think about making a complete break and blocking them all and movibg away with your child. Same goes for joint friends or family.

You can also try your doctor for advice. You may understandably be suffering PTSD which makes straight thinking or taking any action overwhelming. Also possibly depressed. Choose a Dr you think will understand or a completely new one.

Definitely you need counselling. It is highly important you get some! Please ask your Dr to refer you!!

Either he's changed, in which case you can break up with him and he'll accept it, or he hasn't changed, in which case you should break up with him before he repeats the assaults and escalates, because he'll be pretty angry that you dared to complain about his treatment of you and thus get him charged and imprisoned.

This man raped you, something that is about power and control not about sex. "He pleaded guilty to most physical assaults" so it wasn't one isolated incident. What will it take for you to leave? Take a look at the eight steps to domestic homicide:

1. The perpetrator had a history of stalking or abuse prior to the relationship
2. A quick acceleration of the romance into a serious relationship
3. Coercive control comes into the relationship
4. The perpetrator's control is threatened by some form of trigger - for example, the relationship ends or they run into financial difficulty
5. The coercive behaviour and control tactic is then escalated through tactics such as stalking or threatening suicide
6. A change of tactics is then adopted, with the perpetrator choosing to move on through revenge or homicide
7. Weapons are considered and opportunities to get the victim alone feature as part of the perpetrator's planning
8. The homicide is carried out, and the perpetrator considers hurting others such as the victim's children

Which one has he got to?

If you can't trust his family to not give him your contact details, how can you trust them not to tell your child that Mummy was very silly and got poor Daddy into trouble? Leave, get out, move, vanish. You've got until next summer to do it.

@ThatLibraryMiss i wasn't the one who actually reported all of the assaults. The armed police broke into our home and i wasnt expecting it but then ended up doing statements with their support. He said hes not angry at me for doing the statements but he must be? Hes saying he deserves it. I can tell his anger is still there though

OP, please get some support not to take him back. It is possible that social services will eventually get involved when, not if, he assaults you again, and then your child could be put on the at risk register, and you would be forced to break up with him or face losing your child. Witnessing DV against a parent is emotional abuse on a child. And what happens when they get older and your DP turns his abuse into them? It will happen, trust me.

Move on from this relationship and build a new life without him. He is ruining your life and your child's.

@BendyLikeBeckham social services got involved and have closed the case for the time being. They said if i wanted to form a relationship back with him then he would have to do a course through them first.

You need to change your number and move BEFORE he gets out I'm sorry about cutting his family off too but if they were any good they would not give out your number send them a yearly photo album or something but get out of this

OP, no course is capable of fundamentally changing an abusive person. I used to think my partner had 'anger management issues'. Thing is, the only people he was violent or aggressive with were me and DC. Never at work, in the street, or outside the family. Everybody else thought he was A Really Nice Bloke.

I left him. He did an AM course. He didn't change because he didn't have an AM problem, he was plain abusive, narcissist, probably a personality disorder thrown in too, I don't really care about labels. He behaved appallingly to me and DC because that was his right and entitlement to do so. He cannot/won't ever change.

Please read "Should I stay or should I go?" by Lundy Bancroft. It is on Amazon as an ebook and paperback.

@BendyLikeBeckham controlling ane coercise behaviour is one charge he got and i find that much worse than any of the physical abuse i endured. I am hoping he changes but obviously my child comes before him. He is allowed to see our child unfortunately but luckily enough she is very young so will not remember

If you take him back then you are giving him the message that it's acceptable for him to abuse you. Your child will also be at risk and possibly taken away by ss where they will be safer. Your dc will see you as weak and not caring for them as you put them at risk. You know the answer. He doesn't love you. That's not how you treat someone you love. I'd move far away and cut off contact with his entire family or you could both end up dead. There's a 21 year old in the news today and dv is on the increase. Don't let your dc and become another statistic.

OP I have worked in this area for many years for him to get such a lengthy prison sentence what he did to you was deemed very serious by the courts, you must also be aware that his probation officer may prevent him from living with you while he is on licence (at least twelve months post release) and will make a referral to suicidal care regarding your child and the risk he poses, they will want to update any previous assessments as his risk will be higher when he is in the community than when he is in custody and you are safe. You need to show them you are capable of safeguarding your child by making good decisions. Please get in touch with women's aid again.