Friend becoming a little possessive over helping me.

[BenWillbondsPants]

This is a weird one.

I've been ill this year (cancer) and have had lots of treatment/hospital visits etc. I am incredibly lucky with my friends, they have been awesome, so helpful and thoughtful and I feel very fortunate.

One of my closest friends (A) has been an absolute diamond, she really has. Always there with a kind word or pick me up some shopping when I've felt really crappy. We are all part of the same friendship group but recently (I've been quite poorly), she seems to be getting a bit off with other friends who are also offering to help me out a bit. She suffers quite badly with her mental health and I am very conscious of this, but she was really quite unkind to another friend this morning on a group chat we have, when the friend offered to do something for me.

It's like she's becoming a little territorial over me. One of my other friends came to see me this morning and said that A messaged everyone on a separate group to say that they needn't worry about helping me out as she has everything in hand. I'm not sure what to do about it - if I say anything, it could really upset her more than you would generally think. She overanalyses everything and small things become huge to her but I kind of want to nip this in the bud a bit.

To be clear, I'm not asking for a lot of help. Maybe just the odd pint of milk/pick up DS if I'm feeling really unwell, but they have all been so lovely with their time and friendship. I appreciate them all, but I feel like friend A wants me to ask more of her (I don't need to), so that she can tell everyone what she is doing. That sounds awful and ungrateful, I really don't mean it to. I'm not sure what to do, I really don't want to upset her.

Well, you’re right - she is possessive and you’re her ‘project’. Tricky situation where helping you is boosting her self esteem and giving her a sense of purpose.
I would make it clear to your other friends that their friendship and help is valuable and that friend A, while well-meaning, is not in charge of your care!

Rather than say anything directly to A, you could talk in terms of how much you value all your friends. Perhaps arrange for others to help with specific tasks. In the kindest way, she needs to understand that she’s not indispensable.

Try to put your health and well-being first; easier said than done maybe!

Well, you’re right - she is possessive and you’re her ‘project’. Tricky situation where helping you is boosting her self esteem and giving her a sense of purpose.

This has hit the nail right on the head. I think she wants to 'fix' me. She's such a lovely person, I really do value her friendship, but I don't need to be fixed. She mentioned the other day that she didn't know what she would do when I go back to work so that kind of made me think that that's not a usual way to think.

Sorry op but I immediately thought of this

She mentioned the other day that she didn't know what she would do when I go back to work so that kind of made me think that that's not a usual way to think. 😬

That's a bit heavy isn't it? She's going to have to be told in the nicest possible way that she doesn't need to be doing so much for you.

@Soola 😂

Op this sounds really unhealthy. Your friend is using your illness as an opportunity to fulfill some need in herself rather than doing what's best for you. Obviously not consciously, but if she really had your best interests at heart she would be happy for you to receive help from any one of your friends. I would address that message she sent to your other friends by saying that you're very grateful for everything she has done and that she means a great deal to you, but that you need all your friends, not just her. Perhaps explain that accepting assistance from other people at times doesn't detract in any way from your relationship with her.

@MattBerrysHair I'm worried that she's almost using my situation as a crutch for coping with her anxiety if you know what I mean. I think she wants me to need her. I value her very much, as I do all my other friends, but I'm uncomfortable with her trying to 'lay claim' to me. Our other friend messaged me tonight with a 'WTF was all that about?' regarding her message to the other group (a couple of friends told me about it).

You really need to nip this in the bud, because it will only get worse.

I think I would tell her that as things are improving, you're going to taper off the amount of help you need, and share what's left between your different friends. That you appreciate everyone's help, but psychologically it's not good for you to lean on just one person. She will protest, but say that this is important for YOU as you need to feel that you're making progress towards normal life.

...and as there's a WhatsApp group without you on it, maybe you need a group without her on it, so you can ask your other friends for help without her butting in.

I'd be asking different people specifically if they could do a job, so she can see that it's a whole friendship group and that when you're well you'll be returning the friendship favour to all not just having a party celebrating one person.

I have joined as a member as I felt so moved to add my two penn'orth to this.
Your instincts are correct. this sounds unhealthy. may be a narcissistic type behaviour. it sounds like this person is invested in controlling you and her role as valued helper. she may get quite angry with you if you seem to pull away from the role which suits her. be careful. don't be too grateful, or express any particular affection for this person. she may regard it as evidence that she has a special relationship with you, and feel aggrieved / misled if you reveal that she is only one among several friends/helpers.
I am maybe not expressing this well.
I suggest rather than addressing this directly with her, try to gently pull back, be vague, and arrange for others to be present when she is likely to be around.
try to avoid time alone with her. try to be busy if she suggests social meetings, unless it's a group activity. maybe ask other trusted friends never to leave you alone with her.
she obviously has a problem, but you've got enough to look after your own health. you cannot be a surrogate therapy project for her.
all the best. ps, I know whereof I speak....

I do think that perhaps the best thing is to withdraw a little, gently. I've never really asked for much, but thinking back, she kind of tried to make herself indispensable. She would 'drop by' most days - I'm always happy to see her as she's lovely, but I think that perhaps it was more planned than accidental.

I don't want there to be any issues and I've been thinking of having a little night in soon and inviting all my close friends (just for a few drinks etc) just to thank them for being so lovely and supportive. I thought I would send a message out later that's very general i.e. not singling anyone out as being especially helpful. Does that sound like a good idea?

Oh wow. This really is a tricky situation!
I like the idea of your text. Could you say that everyones help, support and presence has been amazing but you have spent a lot of time living a life you didn't plan this year and surrounded by people most days, friends, family, doctors etc and you feel a little 'peopled out' and it's time to start having some time to yourself to breath and soak in everything that had happened. But you'd live to have everyone round at once for thank you drinks?

I think saraclara has it - that’s a good message to send. And then invite them round for a night in on the group chat. Just say you don’t want it to be about your illness and want to focus on good company and a good night or something.
Hope your recovery continues to go well

One of my other friends came to see me this morning and said that A messaged everyone on a separate group to say that they needn't worry about helping me out as she has everything in hand.

I'm glad you see this really isn't anyone's decision but yours OP, she is trying to isolate you even farther by taking control of a group chat
too.. limiting your contact.. this really is not good. Don't let her mistake your illness as weakness, that she can manipulate OP. Take good care OP.

Think your plan to invite everyone round sounds great OP.

Maybe if she says anything about helping you, you can gently suggest now she's had the experience of helping you out and done it so well you think she'd be a great help to others and would she think about volunteering? Wouldnt it be nice for some good to come out of something as horrible as cancer.

I remember reading about co-dependence a few years ago and I'm pretty sure this is a perfect case study. Not that YOU are co-dependent with her... It is a confusing label because it sounds like two people are dependent on each other... But it isn't. Its about one person needing the other person to be dependent on them.

@saraclara's suggestion. WhatsApp group without her in it.

I had cancer last year as well and we were very lucky to have lots of help from friends. I felt better when I could ask lots of people for a small amount of help rather than one person for loads of help. Made me feel as if I wasn't putting on them too much.

Another thing I've done is put myself first and this includes my mental health. If this friend is relying on you to help her mental health that won't be good for you.

I think the idea of a get together with all your friends would be a good idea. Could you invite the other friends a little earlier than this friend so that you can explain the situation and then hope you can all work together?

Was the original discussion (when the other friend offered to help) on the group chat you're part of? If so, how did you respond? If you haven't yet I'd be tempted to take that friend up on their offer in the public (ie in the chat).

As the last thing you need on top of cancer is this shit, what about phrasing it as you absolutely insist she needs to give herself a break after doing so much etc? I know that’s just postponing whatever issues she has going on. But as that would be a reasonable thought to have about a partner/ best friend/ relative that you genuinely thought was doing too much for the right reasons, it would be a less confrontational way of dealing with it until you’re up to any possible fall out.

the drinks evening sounds good, but be wary of this person busying herself in the kitchen, to further her chosen role as special helper, and then staying on late to tidy up etc.
make sure all your other, real friends have got your back and do not leave her there in your house.
I am assuming you are the only resident adult there. if so, could you arrange for a relative, sister, cousin, aunt anyone related to stay overnight after the drinks party to further protect you. if it is a relative that makes it a different category to her, so she might have to, grudgingly, accept that.
I know this might sound extreme, but better safe than sorry; head off any possible trouble before it develops.
as for her being lovely, well maybe, but that is exactly the word that 2 other mumsnetters used initially to describe colleague/ house guest who both revealed themselves as unhinged and difficult to get free of.

reminds me of something I heard on womans' hour this week, re controlling/coercive type romantic partners.
a woman said when some people speak of being bowled over, love-bombed, with red roses etc, she thinks uh-oh, red flags !
I know this isn't a romantic relationship, but I think it's similar in terms of control, ie making you fit into her drama. she has assigned you the supporting role, or object, to her as the hero helper, and she will resent it if the play is denied her.
she will have to start again, on another stage, assign/ recruit parts for her to continue in a self=aggrandising role.
watch out ! just ease away gradually. and don't let on that you're wise to it. good luck. keep us posted.

ps, trying to isolate you from other friends is classic controlling abusive behaviour pattern. they start as lovely too, cant do enough...

I don't want to single her out as being any more helpful than anyone else because I think that will give her the 'special' status that I think she wants. She really has been wonderful, so kind and thoughtful, though these gestures have been unasked for. I feel horrible even saying this.

I am assuming you are the only resident adult there.

No I have DH and DCs here too. The thing is that most of my other friends work and she doesn't, so she's been around during the day when others haven't. She's not a new friend either, we've all been friends for almost 12 years and I know we won't fall out over this (I really hope not anyway), but she's very fragile and I don't want to hurt her feelings. I think I just need to be as inclusive with other people as I can in my thanks.

Everyone knows how lovely she is, but we're also aware that her mental health can be wobbly and she has periods when life is really hard for her.

I fear that she'll take over the evening. She's clearly appointed herself as the Most Important friend. I honestly think this event could make things even worse.

You might have to get DH to guard the kitchen etc, and not let her start taking over.

Nip this in the bud. That separate group message is pretty disturbing.

I'd post a message in the main group saying that you appreciate the help everyone has given you, but you feel ready to get back on track with things now.

Don't single her out, just draw a line under it.