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Original poster

Am I a terrible person? (Miscarriage related)

35 replies

Croquembou · 13/09/2019 18:52

I'll put the TL;DR at the start: I've had a miscarriage and I don't feel that sad. I feel like an awful person for not feeling worse.

Long version: I started to miscarry naturally on Wednesday and had a medically managed miscarriage yesterday to get it done. By dates I was 11 weeks but baby had stopped growing around 6/7 weeks. I was fairly sure it was going to happen, all my symptoms had gone away and an early scan was measuring very small at dates that just didn't make sense. So I suppose I've known this was going to happen for about three weeks.

Of course I do feel sad and have had a couple of big cries but I don't feel that sad. I've read things about people burying the embryo, I just flushed it all away without looking. I don't want any kind of commemorative baby thing. And leaflets have things about how you'll never forget this baby but... I don't really feel like it was a baby just...a slightly dysfunctional bundle of cells that I wanted to be a baby? And I had lots of hopes and dreams for my baby and I daydreamed about it constantly but I know that I can put all those hopes and dreams on to the next baby so it's all ok...

I really just want to stop bleeding so that we can TTC again. The doctor looked horrified when I asked when we could try again and talked a lot about feeling emotionally ready. I feel emotionally ready now. But these thoughts are also making me feel like a horrible person.

Please just tell me I'm not awful?

OP posts:
Theoverstretchedmultitasker · 13/09/2019 18:55

Of course you're not awful! Society is very keen on making women feel guilty about their feelings. You feel what you feel! Only thing I'd consider is whether you might have a delayed reaction or are burying any upset. If not, fine! Wrt TTC: you both need to be ready, so make sure you discuss this carefully with your partner.

Effy1990 · 13/09/2019 18:56

Nope, I felt similar. I don't think I even cried tbh.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2019 18:57

You are in no way a terrible person, however I do think you should take a bit of time to physically and emotionally recover before you try again. Your feelings about the miscarriage may never change, or you might be in shock and sadness will hit you later. Just be kind to yourself and get support if you need it. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

HumphreyCobblers · 13/09/2019 18:57

Of course you are not awful, what you are feeling is normal for many women.

BernardoTeashop · 13/09/2019 19:19

I felt exactly the same. I read about people commemorating what would have been the birthday etc but I don’t think about my miscarriage as a baby. Not at the stage it happened to me. But I totally respect those who view it differently

MyDisposableUsername · 13/09/2019 19:22

Not at all. There's no right or wrong way to feel about what's happened.

I had two miscarriages between DC1 and DC2. I will admit that I was upset, both times, but we only ever planned to have two children, therefore, logically, if either of those pregnancies had been successful, I'd not have the specific child that is DC2 now.

Sure, I'd still have a DC2, but the child I ended up with is such an amazing human being that I can't help feeling simply relieved, rather than any lingering grief or loss.

I have no clue what my due dates were for pregnancies 2 and 3 any more. It's not something I feel needs remembering/acknowledging.

I know my feelings would likely be very different if I hadn't gone on to have another child and that my feelings about my own miscarriages are very different from most other women's. Their feelings are just as valid as mine - just different.

Shagged · 13/09/2019 19:28

You are absolutely not awful

I felt the same when I had a miscarriage. I just accepted it 'wasn't meant to be' and moved on

How you feel is how you feel. Different women cope in different ways and there is no right or wrong way to feel after a miscarriage

TheGirlWhoLived · 13/09/2019 19:31

I felt the exact same, you aren’t a terrible person at all!

Starlight456 · 13/09/2019 19:33

No we all deal with things differently.

Just give yourself time to ensure it isn’t some shock response but no one can tell you how to feel..

I would also add for those that feel the polar opposite those are the ones you see on sm so the ones that are heard about

Original poster
Croquembou · 13/09/2019 19:38

Wrt TTC: you both need to be ready, so make sure you discuss this carefully with your partner.

Husband has confirmed he's willing to try again at a moment's notice.

(He's not a shitbag, he brought champagne home to toast the baby which seems as good a thing to do as any)

OP posts:
BackseatKnitter · 13/09/2019 19:42

I felt the same - had a bit of a cry the first time but barely thought about it the second time. A few old friends on Facebook were so vocally upset about miscarriages and it just made me feel like I was missing some big part of my brain that should have made me react like that.

Just like MyDisposableUsername Ive since had my lovely little DD and just think I’d have had a different child if it worked out the first time so can’t bring myself to have any regrets.

RufusthebewiIderedreindeer · 13/09/2019 19:44

he brought champagne home to toast the baby which seems as good a thing to do as any)

That was a lovely idea

Your feelings are perfectly valid and you dont have to explain them to anyone Flowers

SpinneyHill · 13/09/2019 20:00

I had 2. 1st I thought I was heartbroken over but I remember how far along I was 21 yrs later because I 'acted' like it was a big deal for years without any genuine feeling.
The 2nd I was 29 weeks and my waters broke on 21st Dec, I experienced 2 days of 'labour' but without any dilation just the contractions and ended up being diagnosed with Sepsis on Xmas eve-eve as she was dead and wet/warm inside me for a few days after 'labour' stopped, I spent xmas unconscious/delirious and new year close to death being visited by my kids before an emergency c section was carried out to save my life. I have her scans I'd bought clothes. I loved her I know I did, I have the scar but my son missed/mourned for her and I didn't.
I cried for a few days but it took longer to recover from the c section than it did for her to become a distant memory.
My son (6) said last xmas eve " this is the day our sister died when you were having her" I honestly almost felt angry with her for upsetting him.
I presumed I was callous with the First, I know I have been with the Second and I'm fine with that.

Frith2013 · 13/09/2019 20:02

I’ve had 2 and i couldn’t even tell you the years when they happened. I went to work afterwards and never think about them.

SpinneyHill · 13/09/2019 20:06

Out of curiosity Male or Female Dr?

Frith2013 · 13/09/2019 20:07

To be fair, I’ve made a point of NOT trying to remember/celebrate the anniversaries of people’s deaths. It seems so macabre to spend a day “suffering” because it’s the day a relation died. I know people must do what they think is right when grieving but I don’t think spending a day weeping will help.

So I can’t remember the date or due dates.

Imagineallthesheeple · 13/09/2019 20:20

@SpinneyHill Confused

Original poster
Croquembou · 13/09/2019 20:21

@SpinneyHill She was a she and looked so young.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 13/09/2019 20:24

How you have described your reaction sounds so similar to mine.

I did cry a lot but also because it was physically awful. Was happening naturally but after a week I was in A&E in agony and it had got stuck and had to be finished manually. So I was pretty scared of how painful it was.

But I never felt like I'd lost a baby. I felt like I'd lost a massive potential bit of my future and I was sad for that. But to me it wasn't really a baby and I'd never say I lost a baby.

I think anyone who tells you there's a right or wrong way to feel about a miscarriage is an idiot.

Oneforposy7 · 13/09/2019 20:29

I was similar to you OP. Had a couple of crys and was off work for two weeks because it was physically hard going but straight back to TTC and, like you, I just wanted it to be over so we could move forward. I'm sad but I knew something wasn't right so it wasn't unexpected and I was very lucky in lots of ways - it was early, it was natural, cycles have come back straight away.

SpinneyHill · 13/09/2019 20:37

I was only allowed to see a photo of mine due to the fusion and 'offensive' smell. She was definitely a baby of mine, looked like my youngest son.
But she never got to being born and she nearly killed me in front of my kids over xmas , I didn't love her enough for that to balance out if that makes sense. I'd burn to death to get my kids out of a house fire from the day they were born but she didn't get that far.

We never had that bonding (the eye contact although they can't see you, the feeding the snuggles) we didn't bond.

The 'maternal instinct' is based solely on that bond Women tell themselves they have because of nature, there is a reason babies look for the face in the first few weeks, it's bonding with the woman who will feed them and not let them die (hopefully) without that bonding there's no emotional attachment that needs to be severed.

Some women are heartbroken over a miscarriage but it's the idea of the baby they're mourning. It makes far more sense that we want to get well enough to carry on the reproduction process if it goes wrong then the idea that we should waste a year being sad over a pregnancy that didn't make it.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 13/09/2019 20:42

I had three miscarriages in 2017, though all a bit earlier on than you, and went pretty mad over it (ended up in a big depressive episode) but only really because I became increasingly convinced I would never have a baby. Now I have DS I almost never think about it and I don't feel any attachment at all to those pregnancies. I think if I'd known I'd have had DS in the end I wouldn't have been that upset - like you, they didn't feel like babies to me.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 13/09/2019 20:43

We went straight back to TTC each time (and the miscarriages were very close together). People told me at the time to wait, but I'm glad I didn't prolong the whole thing.

SpinneyHill · 13/09/2019 20:50

I don't understand the "wait till you're ready" brigade.
You were pregnant and ready, the only change is that you're not pregnant anymore.

MindyStClaire · 13/09/2019 20:51

If you're a terrible person, so am I. I had a missed miscarriage last week and I'm fine. My view is that it's a shitty thing to happen, but a perfectly normal shitty thing, and if one miscarriage is all the heartache we have in having our family I'll be forever grateful.

We have a one year old which makes things easier, we know I can carry a healthy baby. We conceived first month both times so we have no reason to think it'll be anything other than a one off. If it isn't, we'll cross that bridge when it comes to it.

My best friend had multiple miscarriages before she had her first, that's a whole other world of pain. I only know of one woman for sure who has had two children and no losses, I know many who've had one or more (and obviously many more I've no idea about).

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